I am losing myself over this girl

Hello everyone. I have typed this post many many times and tried to structure it before posting it here, but must admit it still is a bit messy.

Things aren’t going well with me. I am losing myself, changing into a person who lives in uncertainty, not knowing where I will end up and whether happiness will still be on my path.

7 months ago I have met a girl at university (I am 29 –she is too- and decided to study psychology in evening classes). From the very first moment I saw her, I realised that I was deeply in love with her. It just happened, I couldn’t control it. I have had 7 relationships up till now, and I have loved women, but must admit I have never ever loved someone the way I love her, never. During that time she was still dating a guy who didn’t look after her, threated her as carbage and who was cheating on her. But she loved him alot and was totally devasted over him, the guy that has threated her in no way she ever deserved (she was with him for 8 months). After they broke up, she told me she had borderling so I started reading about it and must admit she seems to be having it in a very very severe level.

Her relationship before that one was an even worse relationship. The guy dominated and controller her in every kind of way. She had a terrible car accident when driving after him in one of his furies, he broke her jaw, locked her up in her appartment, and made sure she didn’t have ANY friends anymore. She was with that guy for 7 years, until he left her for someone else.

Anyway, 7 months ago her boyfriend back then broke up. And I was there for her, every second of the way. We grew closer to one another and I kissed her 3 months ago. Back then she was mad that I did, and I admit, I probably shouldn’t have. But one week later she kissed me and we grew closer to one another again. I started sleeping over and have probably slept there for about 75 times. I tried to make a move once (for sex), but she told me she wasn’t ready and I respect her in every way, and will do so for the rest of my life. Most of the time she crawls up to me in bed, really close, and kisses me during the night But sometimes it is the total opposite.

During the months I was ‘seeng her’ (though she still says we are just friend atm, the moment like now, right now, the moment I am typing this message) I realised that she missed some factors of a human being. I mean, she changes her mind about things so quickly, so very quickly which makes it really hard to follow. A couple of weeks ago whe had a fight over some absurdity which I can not recall and she told me that she didn’t want to hear me for a month. It was very hard for me, the moment she said that. An increadible bang which would be very hard to deal with but I said to myself that I would try to do what she wants. But 3 hours later she sends me a text message asking me to let her know whenever I am free to receive a call from her, and when I did, she acted really really normal, like nothing happened.

Last week I’ve slept there 7 days in a row. 6 days everything was going well, and she was the coolest cutest person I have ever met. She crawled up to me in bed and we held eachother during the nights. But on day 7 we went to bed she kept almost 2 meters between me and her for the whole night, just saying ‘goodnight love’ and ‘goodmorning love’. The day after I asked her for what is wrong, and she told me that sometimes she just can’t tolerate any affection from anyone. For me, this is hard, because 70% of the time she doesn’t want to let go whenever we are lying in bed.
Yesterday I’ve spend the night again, and she was in one of her good moods. She held me and kissed me quite many times. And this morning she told me that she likes it so much whenever I am around, and that she likes me so so much.

Today we called on the phone, she called me at work, this noon and this afternoon. At 8 we called and she told me that she misses me. And that she is so looking forward to when the exams are done so we can go everywhere, every day. An hour ago, she called me to wish me goodnight and I told her that I missed her. And she answered: ‘to be honest, I don’t miss you that much. I still like my time alone, and that has nothing to do with you, but has all to do with me –not being ready for anything yet’. Some months ago I asked her whether we are in a relationship and whether we can ever be something and she couldn’t give me an answer to both questions. And today, she probably still wouldn’t be able to answer any of those questions. Whenever people ask her what I am to her, she would probably say that I am a soulmate of some kind.

What is hardest for me are two factors. 1) that I love her like I can not love anything else in the world. 2) that she isn’t stable. I am going through many emotions every day and the situation is sucking all the energy out of me, so much energy that well, I dont know what to do anymore 3) when she kisses me, or says she misses me, all is fine. When I do so, the blocks or something like that.

I am losing all my friends because she is taking all my free time, me trying to be there for whenever she might need me. 2 weeks ago a friend asked me whether we could see one another and I agreed to do so that saturday (didn’t ask her opinion about it, I have forgotten that, stupid me). She was incredibly angry with me, yelled at me, told me I was the most selfish prick she had ever met. She told me she never wanted to see nor hear me again told me we will never ever be something. I was losing all control and decided to do some sports and went swimming. During that 1 hour she called me 43 times, trying to get in touch of me. We talked all night long on the phone and the situation was back like nothing ever happened.

The thing is, I am losing myself. I hardly sleep anymore, and I am trying not to show her. Because I know that whenever I ask her for clarity, or she knows that this is too much for me to handle, that she’ll end all contact between us.

When I knew her for 3-4 months she asked me whether I wanted to go to NY with my. That I was the only person she wanted to share that experience with. The trip is planned in 2 months. She has cancelled it many times whenever she gets in a furious moment but always changed her mind afterwards.

I have made myself some options, which are very well considered (but I know that many of these, I won’t be able to put them into deeds).

1) I tell her I can’t talk nor see her anymore, that the situation is killing me (and cancel NY)
2) Option 1 but I do so after the exams (and cancel NY)
3) I wait till after NY to ask clarity
4) I wait a couple of months after NY to get clarity
5) I ain't saying that suicide is an option or anything, but I don't see mee living without her

I am very sorry to make this post so long, and really appreciate those who have read the whole thing. Thank you for your time, and sorry.

I reeeeeally don't know what to say, but I couldn't not post. Especially when you mentioned suicide... NEVER the answer. Don't even try it. Not worth the hurt to yourself, your family, friends and everyone who cares and loves you.(!)

All I can think of, is that you need to establish boundaries with this girl. Because, being a 20 year old female borderline I'm frickin similar ha! So, the ONLY way you can get her to respect you, and your life, is to not be around so much. Don't drop everything when she calls, you need a life too. Yes, its hard. Yes, you may want to be there 24/7 but that is not healthy for ANYONE and will only end badly, trust me.

I wouldn't do anything now, but maybe focus on your exams more, because that's important to YOU.

I don't know if that helped at all.
Hope you sort it out.

She might have BPD, its hard to tell from what you say shes been doing..

but I have news she came to you it sounds like because she wanted to be rescued..I sure she loves you but I have found out a relationship hardly ever works when you "rescue" a person

If she has BPD, she will go from chaos to chaos because frankly thats her life..ask any BPD they are so used to chaos that a stable life is "boring"

and I am naturally blunt so please know I am doing this out of respect and care. If she has BPD and you have suicidal thoughts, you need to get your ducks in a row, or this will repeat..I am have such a hard time break relationship habits because even though I have done a good job in recovery, some habits die hard.

Its nothing bad..we alll have junk..I am just trying to give you another perspective

well you are right. Everybody has junk in their life and I always feel ashamed that I am not happy comparing to all those who live in situation of war and don't even have a roof about their head.

Concerning the suicide thing, well. Maybe I do have overrated it a little bit but atm I feel all the energy being drained out of me. To be honest I can not understand how she is able to live like that. It seems to be draining alot less from her than from me actually.

Sigh, too bad we can't choose whom we fall in love with.
But I am here now, and I love her more than anything (which she sometimes doesn't realise)

you're right..

but you can love yourself enough to know that you're worth more than what you ahve been dealing with..If you're not happy, you're frankly not going to be of use to anyone else..

we can be our best for others when we exact the best for ourselves..hard to follow I know...thats why I have 5 years of therapy to boot

man, i feel for you.

i agree with some others here, that you need to not be soo avialable. trust me, i lost who i was in a girl.. lost friends, missed experiences. breaking it off with the girl was the hardest thign i had done to date. i can tell you that it was also the best thing i had done to date. thankfully the ones who were true friends where there waiting for me when i got back - and of course i had to explain a little. but they understood - alot of people go through this.

anyways - ask yourself if this is how you want to spend your life.. being controlled like that. i'm betting the answer is no.

i wish you luck - and remember, there ARE plenty of fish in the sea my man, more than we could ever meet in an entire lifetime.

Hi editor,

What you have described for us sounds like there might be enmeshment between you and her; which is not healthy.

As others have pointed out, it appears you have willing accepted the role of rescuer and protector for a person who is using you as a supply. This shouldn't be misinterpreted to suggest she does not care for you. I'm not implying that because I would not know her level of interest or caring.

What I do know, based off of what you have personally expressed and other provided facts, is that you've spent the past several months playing faux "boyfriend", nurturer and emotional-shoulder to a person you wish to have an actual relationship with - but who is not giving you that relationship and, whether intentional or not, you're being strung along with the occasional intimate-like action on her part -- as long as she really doesn't have to be intimate at all. There's a large element of emotional and psychological abuse that can be associated to that behavior.

There is a big difference between being "not ready for sex", "not ready to commit" and "not willing to date".

Your choices and actions shout co-dependency -- which would make you a grand target for any person in need of attention/validation but not willing to give very much in return. Having struggled with some codependent traits myself when I was fresh out of highschool, I can relate to a bit of this. In fact, I'll say "I used to know a guy". And, if I'm in the proper mindset of that guy I used to know, I'd bet there is a good probability that part of you feels if you just wait it out and continue to prove your love and dedication to her, she'll eventually come around and things will be like a fairytale where you live happily ever after? Would there be any truth at all to ever having that feeling/thought with her?

I noticed some people have commented regarding the possibility of her having BPD. I won't comment on that part because, in my opinion, this thread is more about YOU than it is about HER. Can she be extremely validating to you? One moment you feel like nobody has ever appreciated you more or accepted you for who you are -- and an hour or maybe a day or two later it's flipped around and you wonder if she's ever even liked you?

Often times people with codependent traits come from dysfunctional families where we were sort of forced into nurturing roles; making a parent feel better or taking care of them emotionally when that parent should have been tending to their needs instead. I think it's typical for the child to have played the "scapegoat" role in the dysfunctional environment; I know I did. This can happen quite easily to children of an untreated BPD parent but it's not uncommon for children of any parent with various PDs, PD traits or maladaptive behavior.

Much like those with BPD, it leaves us craving a real, genuine sense of validation and appreciation from people who care for us or whom we wish did care for us. And because we don't just want that but rather we NEED it, we will often cling to any 'love scraps' that get tossed our way. It's kind of sad because we'll deny that we only get scraps but deep down we typically know we're only getting the scraps and yet those scraps feel AMAZING the moment we're tossed one.

And then it gets interesting (in a disordered thinking type of way): Rather than see our realizations to mean that we're in an unhealthy relationship dynamic, we think we're supposed to try to do things to sort of prove how much we should be loved ... usually because mom or dad or another caretaker only seemed to give us some love scraps if we went overboard tending to their needs and showing them how much we deserved the scraps by over-extending ourselves and/or putting them ahead of us. (We were taught to behave like this!)

I don't know if what I just wrote speaks to you in any way but if it does, what 'relationship' you have with her is not the relationship your heart really wants and having an actual relationship with her will never give your heart the relationship it actually deserves.

She isn't capable of the level of mature, adult love you actually want to have. If she were, you wouldn't be in the situation you are currently in.

You might find this interesting but when I saw your list of choices, the first thing that popped into my head (back from when I 'knew a guy'') was that I instantly wondered whether part of you hopes and wishes things change during the NY trip; that if you both go together it will be this amazing time and she'll realize how much she appreciates and loves you and she'll tell you that and BOOM... you got the girl! Is part of you hoping for that?

It's completely understandable if so. I mean. you're in this spot but want to be in -------------> this spot! And it probably feels like it's soooooooo close ... and yet sooooooooo far away.


While I appreciate your list of options for yourself, I'll go DBT on you and reinforce that there are only four (4) things you can do when a painful problem comes into your life:

1. Solve the problem. (Figure out how to end the painful event or to leave the painful situation)
2. Change how you feel. (Figure out how to change the negative into a positive)
3. Accept it. (Simply accepting the problem as it is)
4. Stay miserable.

Your #1 & #2 are versions of solving the problem. Your #3 and #4 are delays (where I think you might hope the problem solves itself) and you're #5 is an extreme version of staying miserable (which has already been addressed elsewhere in the replies).


By the way, if you're anything like that guy I used to know, you may eventually find yourself with someone who actually gives you the love and appreciation naturally and unconditional.... and like that guy, you might have this inner-conflict develop where you actually believe you might not have enough to offer that person. In fact, you may even ruin the relationship due to that belief. And then, if you're anything at all like that guy, one day you'll sit there, reflecting and having a bit of regret and you'll want to go back in time to smack yourself and shout "If you didn't have anything to offer, they wouldn't be here! YOU are the thing they want. So offer it up, dumbass!" (or something along those lines. Maybe I'm a masochistic with myself? lol)

The point of this is that if you relate to a lot of this, it means there was probably some trauma in your past and that somehow disrupted your ability to love yourself as much as you should be. Because of that, it may be very difficult to accept that kind of healthy, mature love from someone else when they do give it ....and somehow it also makes us ok with accepted a messed up, distorted concept of love from people who cannot give healthy, mature love. Real, genuine love is never conditional and it's never something we "earn" or something we need to "prove".

Good luck with things!

is there annything more beautifull
and more painfull
makes me feel
alive