Could I have BPD?

I was once just going around and looking at personality quizzes because I was bored and they were interesting, but multiple said that I am at high risk of having BPD. Because they are internet quizzes I completely dismissed them, but I looked into the symptoms of BPD anyway. A lot of them did happen to describe what I am like, but again, I don't trust internet quizzes very much so I still dismissed it. But as I continue to think about it, I keep questioning whether I have BPD or don't.

Closeness to other people scares me. I can't be in close relationships with people, because my emotions just turn negative and I can't get past that. I used to think it was the need for a lot of space, but as time passed I realized it was more, the closer I am to people the harder it is for me to be around them.

I am very impulsive. Though suicidal thoughts are not common for me, when I do have thoughts of suicide, it's after I am provoked, when I am angry. It is never a drawn out thing, but there have been times when I was really upset and just decided that I was going to commit suicide, out of the blue. And also, instead of blaming people, I blame myself for things that go wrong, and if I do happen to immediately blame someone else, I start getting angry at myself and just fall into this hole of self deprecation.

I don't trust people. I refuse to go to therapy because I don't trust therapists. I know that I should, but I can't imagine having to talk to someone about personal problems face-to-face. I refuse to sing or draw, or show any talent, really, because I am afraid that people are all going to use it against me somehow, and I don't feel I am good enough for them.

Little things get the best of me. I will be having fun with a friend and they will say something out of line. Instead of talking to them, I storm out of the house, and go into the wash behind their house. I get really angry afterwards because they didn't bother to go look for me. We will be planning a trip for weeks, and if one little thing goes wrong, I say "Let's forget about it! If this is how it's going to be, then let's just not go." When I say that I am hungry, if people aren't also hungry, or if the food in the area is not what I want, I tell people to forget about it and decide I am not hungry and don't eat for hours afterwards.

I honestly do want to love people, especially my current girlfriend, but I can't help pushing her away. Sometimes, I just can't be around her, and I hate myself for it. She's a very clingy person, and I can't be clingy. I can sometimes, but afterwards, I just need space and I can't be around her. She tries to kiss me, and most of the time I push her away, even though just a month ago I was perfectly fine with it.

I get these random fits of depression, that typically last only a few hours, but in that time I feel like I can't do anything, that I am worthless, and that there is no point in life whatsoever. I typically talk to made-up versions of my friends in my head, because I can't talk to my friends in real life, and I feel that if I don't talk to someone, even if they aren't real, I'll be alone.

These are just a few examples, and I don't know if all of them are relevant, but either way, I was hoping someone could either calm my fears or confirm that I might actually need to do something about it. I know that the internet isn't a diagnostic tool, but I want to know if I should see a mental health professional about it.

Yes, see a mental health therapist about this - if you can, write this down or print it off and show him/her the above.

I'm not saying you have BPD because I'm not a healthcare professional, much less a psychiatrist, but it is certainly worth exploring because the symptoms you've explained are unsettling - mainly because I exhibit the same ones myself.

It's very easy to self diagnose, especially with the wealth of symptoms that span several mental health diagnoses, but the most important thing is to seek help for it - even if it's just a small step in the right direction. Trust with therapists can come at a later date and is not something that comes naturally to people with BPD (and other disorders) but it can be learnt with the right person and the right therapist.

I wish you all the luck x

Well I mean, I'm feeling the exact same things as you are. Literally. I haven't seen anyone about it but I do believe you should, because it does sound like BPD. I can't really open up to people either, and I have no close relationships in my life because of the fact that I feel "smothered". Any time when I had a boy friend and we were together I had to "take a pause" from him for at least some days to be able to see him again. From experience, this doesn't really get better on its own, or goes away, as I always assumed it would. So if it really becomes an issue, you should consider seeing someone about it... Good luck.