Help with relationship

(sorry, this is quite long..but really would appreciate some feedback)

About 8 years ago i was diagnosed with BPD.
I have had a lot of treatment (one year intensive and self-treating therapy ..not always consistently..thereafter) and i feel that for the most part i am very well mentally.
However, when it comes to my personal relationship i have some major trigger factors.
I have been with my boyfriend for three years.
He messed around a bit for a while (with women), which caused me a lot of distress...but i feel we are passed that now.
Anyway, i am shocked at myself for what happened a short while ago...
My boyfriend posted up this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq5i-6cJMJs on facebook.
I lost it.
I got very upset saying that he has no respect for me.
To make matters worse, i noticed he had a copy of Zoo magazine near him. He never buys this magazine, but a friend gave him his old copy.
I hate these kinds of magazines..makes me feel very insecure (and yet, i seem to be ok about the idea of him watching occasional porn. I think its because the magazine is so accessible that he may look many times...i dont know). The magazine sent me over the edge and i tore it up.
Anyway, my level of distress was unbelievably high. Exacerbated by how he handled it.
He told me that im a "######6 nutjob", that im mentally ###$ up, and get the ###$ away from him..etc. I got more distressed and began to sob. He cant stand me sobbing and began shouting at me and calling me names.
I tried to think more logically, in the hope that he would stop shouting and being upset. I wouldnt leave the room (bad idea maybe?), and so he said he would call the police on me..!! I asked him for what? Because i wouldnt leave his room and because im insane..he said.
My reaction was wrong for sure, but i cant get my head around everytime im upset (overly so), that instead of understanding and talking me to me rationally, i get called names and put down and told he cant live with a crazy women (and threatened with things like im removing you from facebook, im getting rid of my phone so you cant contact me.etc) He goes from a loving boyfriend to cold and cruel in an instant in these situations.
Does anyone else over react to images of women like that?
I dont know why i get so upset..i somehow feel that i am not loved or respected enough when he looks at these things.
I felt that him posting up on facebook was a slap in the face, like my feelings dont matter or something.
I feel wretched now..

I'm almost hesitant to NOT respond to this thread because i am terrible at giving good advice. But I also feel that once I post a thread, any response is better than none. I guess my biggest concern is my response will be of no help to you ... if that is the case, I'm sorry!

I clicked the link to that video and was disgusted as well. Its about 99% soft core porn and 1% music if you want to call it that. that beat has been played over and over a billion times.

I never heard of Zoo magazine but Im assuming its some smut magazine?

You say he doesn't have much respect for you but from what I can gather, it seems like he doesn't have much respect for women in general. sounds like one of those typical guys that is really all about the physical aspects and sex and checking out women whether you're in his prescence or not.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, again my answer might not help because i can be VERY cynical when it comes to the male gender but the way you described him just really upset ME.

He cheated on you before too. I believe you have A LOT of strength and forgiveness inside your heart in order to move past that. But it seems like you can and do deserve MUCH better than this guy.

The worst part about it is how he called you insane, threatened to call the cops and post things on Facebook. How old is this guy?! I'm guessing below 24 years old? He seems to not understand where you are coming from at all. sounds very selfish.

you say he can go from being extremely wonderful to awful. I'm sorry but from this response, i did not hear anything loving about him.

are you truly happy with this guy?

It's understandable that anyone with low self-esteem would feel insecure and possibly triggered around images or videos of people they feel inferior to.

This kind of has two parts:

1. Your problems with that sort of thing are directly related to your feelings of worth and value. The world is covered in sexual advertising and provocative photos and videos. There's no way anyone can shield you from all of that and it is your thinking pattern that translates it into some kind of slight or criticism again you. This means it is something you ultimately have to try to fix within your self.

BUT....

2. Obviously he knows this sort of thing is a massive trigger -- and he doesn't care.


Healthy people never resort to name-calling. That is the reaction of someone who lacks emotional maturity and many times it's purposely abusive. Your boyfriend has his own set of issues and they do not seem to mesh well with your issues which you are trying to address.

Healthy people also don't practice infidelity. Sorry if that offends anyone who has done it, but it's true. I also noted that you said "women", which is plural. He was unfaithful multiple times or that was a typo?

I'm just curious, do you feel it's possible you are often idealizing a person who is nowhere near as "fantastic" as you believe during those moments?

As I've said elsewhere, it's mind-numbing how many times people suffering from this disorder cannot identify a bad/toxic relationship and they stay in it due to various symptoms and yet the same disorder does everything it can to quickly sabotage healthy relationships as if they really were a bad/toxic one. That fact frustrates me.

What kind of feedback were you hoping for? It's hard to tell if you were looking for ways to improve your reactions or whether you're starting to wonder if this guy might actually just be a jerk.

i get called names and put down and told he cant live with a crazy women (and threatened with things like im removing you from facebook, im getting rid of my phone so you cant contact me.etc) He goes from a loving boyfriend to cold and cruel in an instant in these situations.

That's not just cold and cruel. That is highly controlling. He must know you have abandonment issues, right? If so then it's absolutely controlling. And where is the "love" part? Is that your reward for thinking and behaving like he wants you to?

It sounds like you're dating someone with Narc or ASPD traits. Obviously he has no respect for your boundaries.

I dont know why i get so upset..i somehow feel that i am not loved or respected enough when he looks at these things.

It's not just a feeling; in this scenario it's true! In a healthier relationship, a partner would be much more understanding about your current sensitivity with those sorts of things. Granted, we don't know the true extent of it (there's often a sexy women on every other page of most magazines nowadays) so we don't know if you're triggered by things that an average guy might look at or read or whether it's very specific things - so the triggering part might be an issue regardless of the person. However, he shows absolutely no consideration for your position. Furthermore, in this case, I'm wondering if he has purposely reinforced the things I said earlier (in #1) to manipulate you and keep you submissive. Either way, this is a toxic relationship.


I would be curious to know what kind of examples you could give of him being "a loving boyfriend". He sounds like the type of guy who does less "loving things" in one year than a healthy guy does in a month.

I'm sorry you're struggling with all of this but he's not helping you any. He's actually making it more difficult for you to heal and improve.

I agree completely with both of you.

I understand feeling inferior to those types of people. That stuff hurts like hell, and I really struggle with that feeling. It's improved, but it's still really hard for me.

He sounds very difficult and controlling and abusive. Does he have any mental disorders that you know of?

I really think you're better off getting away from him. He sounds very unhealthy.