How do I know if it's love?

I started dating this girl a little over two years ago. It has been the hardest time of my life. Like the typical story, I didn't even realize I had a problem until this relationship. I always knew I was a depressed with a little bit of a Woody Allen side of me. But a year into it I started getting really suicidal and have blow outs. She was pregnant at the time, and now we have a beautiful daughter together.

Since our child has been born, I feel unbonded with her at times (there has been drama since we dated, and got worse when she was pregnant) and I feel resentment. She also has two other girls 11 and 13, I really struggle with them. They are great, friendly, lovable girls, but I get so jealous of them when they are with my daughter. I feel anger when they call her their sister, because I am not bonded to them, and this is my first child. I know it's not "normal" to feel that way, I'm trying to work on it. I've been to therapy and about nine months ago I was diagnosed with Mixed-Bipolar and BPD. It's really hard for me to recognize which one is which, I am on medications for bipolar, but still will get manic from time-to-time. This girl I'm with, she can be the greatest thing in my life, or she can be the biggest resentment of my life. She seems to trigger me a lot when she gets in her "know-it-all" phases and when she criticizes me, I obsess with not wanting to be with her. She has done research on BPD and doesn't really get it, even though she tells me what she reads, she still comes at me really hard. I try to avoid any confrontation with her, but she digs. She tells me how horrible I treat her, I admit I do, I just can't control the feelings that stir up inside me. When she talks to me about it I get angry and I leave just with disgust. She read that a partner can hate their other, and I've been telling her I'm not like that. When in reality, there are days I despise her.

I have a dog, I love him so much. She treats him just like some animal when he is my life. I just want it to be me and him again. But sometimes I'm so in love with her, those days are fewer now. We are looking into moving in with one another, but I'm terrified. I feel like my life is coming to an end and it's worse than suicide, with suicide I have all the control on my fate. Now I have to support everyone, I have to deal with all their drama and cost, but I get to see my daughter everyday.

My question is this. How do I know if I love my girlfriend? I get so distant from her, and it gets to be addicting because I'm free from talking. I'm free from working on a relationship. But for the first year of our relationship, I loved every second of it. But since then, I hate her, then I love her, then I hate her, then I love her. I fear she'll leave me, but there are girls I see that I want.

I grew up in a religious home. And when she got pregnant my parents disowned me. I'm in my mid-thirties and have lost so much. My siblings will touch base very little, and when they do, they never ask about my daughter, which gives me rage, everyone seems to sweep her under the rug. And at times, I feel I do. When I'm not bonded.

Well other things have came into play. After we dated a year that's when my family left me. I lost a job because I couldn't get out of bed that morning. And then four months of searching, I lost another job because I took a week off when my daughter was born, they wanted two days. Since I lost my first job I've been sleeping in a Walmart parking lot in my car. It has worn on me, but at times I think I'd rather do that than deal with everything.

I'm so confused with what I'm doing. Some days I'm so sure. Then others, I want to drive and never look back.

there was a story i once read, in discovery channel
there was this guy who had an accident and that accident affected a part of his brain, like some nerve got broken or some other sort. so he could recognize his mother but since he had affected some part of his brain, he couldnt feel any affection for her. like he knew he had to love her, but couldnt feel it instinctly.

similarly you need not feel the affection for 'her' daughters..but i think you can be their friend. you're not their dad but the fact is they need you, your family needs you, your wife needs.

you got bpd and mixed bipolar. it doesnt change the fact that you have a responsibiliy. it's just extra baggage to carry, and i know it's difficult, very difficult but we have to move on.

your siblings ignore your daughter,

what is more important for your daughter, affection from their uncles and aunts or from their father

your parents/family has disowned you, but you do have a new family now, a family of your wife, your child and your wife's kids.

she may not love you, but do you love her, do you want to be with her. i know you're confused since most bpd's are. let the confusion remain for some time.

also dont beat yourself so much, you have a responsibility towards yourself as well

That would be a difficult situation indeed.

It's normal for the symptoms of BPD to manifest more frequently in relationships where true intimacy and closeness has developed. Also, we "Nons", usually because we care, tend to dig and want to explore emotions with our partners without being fully aware how incredibly difficult that can be for someone with BPD. I'm certain I've unintentionally triggered my ex several times while doing what I would normally do to anyone I loved.

In what you have shared, it sounded as if emotions and opinions about the relationship were stable for the first year but have declined since then. Do you feel that might relate to changes with employment, with your living situation and with your family? I ask because I could see how all of those events might trigger abandonment fears and stir up a massive amount of varying emotions. You even wrote that you "have lost so much" as well as "I fear she'll leave me" which leads me to wonder if life has unfortunately dealt you a series of intense triggers and whether you're beginning to pull away out of fear of even more loss occurring.


My BPDex began having problems with our relationship right after a series of similar events happened consecutively: her employment was being threatened and then suddenly ended, money/housing problems crept up, issues with getting her daughter into school, etc. Prior to those thing everything seemed straight out of a Disney fairytale romance movie. Literally! She had rushed off to therapy to take on her issues and help secure what we had. There wasn't a person around who didn't foresee a wedding coming up; including the both of us. I found it interesting that you used the word "resentment" because that's what she used with me several days after those triggers: "I am beginning to resent you." When I'd try to explore the causes with her, in hopes of figuring out what was wrong or how to improve things, she was never able to explain the cause of that resentment - which sadly meant there was little I could do to try to change it. "Digging" (as you called it earlier) annoyed her so I didn't push it. Sadly I watched her battle these shifting emotions for nearly two weeks before it apparently became too much for her and one impulsive act forever ended things between us.

You asked in the subject "How do I know if it's love?" and I so wish I knew of an answer to give you. If you're struggling with things right now, and you certainly have many areas where I would be struggling if it were me, then it's quite possible that you're using emotional-thinking with a lot of fear and predictions about the future which would certainly cloud what rational reality actually is. Those defense mechanisms would be you trying to protect yourself from being hurt even more than you are by all the recent changes. That's going to make it difficult, perhaps impossible, for you to recognize your feelings toward her. Those won't become more clear until you've become more emotionally regulated.

The "girls you want", would it make you feel better if you explored that and they made you feel as though you were wanted? If that answer is yes then perhaps you're looking for validations to help erase what you are currently feeling? That might be an important question for you to explore within yourself because maybe receiving that same validation and reinforcement from the mother of your child would help ease the pain you are currently in?

In my story, she ultimately sought validation elsewhere and, though we hardly spoke after that, her triangulations to mutual friends expressing regrets and wishing we could go back suggest that perhaps that might have helped her if I had only know to do a lot more of that while she was struggling. Your situation may be different? But if there is something you can learn from or take away from our story, then I hope sharing it helps.

I do applaud you for posting, asking questions, and looking for input and perspective. Often times the symptoms of BPD cause bad situations become even worse. I can see you're trying to be very cautious about that happening and I wish I had more to offer. Hopefully some others are able to relate their experiences and that will offer additional assistance to you.

I am sorry to hear about your current situation. That would be tough for anyone.