Substituting.

Firstly I just wanna apologise to whoever may read this. I tend to come here to offload and moan and be all self centred and I really don't think I give people as good advice as they give me so for that i'm sorry.
I just have nowhere else where I can be completely myself and say whatever the hell I want and have people understand.

So here's another selfish rant...

Sooo i've just been accussed of being an alcoholic. Well, technically I've been accussed of DEVELOPING alcoholism. So according to my boyfriend I'm on my way.

I Don't actually get this. He's basing this on the fact i've been out 3 times in the past 10 days. Which I RARELY do.

A few weeks ago I was in hospital because of ODing/self harm etc blah crap whatever. He told me he couldn't deal with the self harming anymore and threatened to leave me. I promised I would stop. I haven't cut myself since then. It's been so, so hard but I haven't.

Now he's telling me he thinks i've substituted self harm with alcohol.

I can't do anything ######6 right!

I don't think this is true. Maybe it is, I don't know.

I go out with friends, I rarely drink alone. Okay, last Friday I stayed in and got drunk by myself because I felt bored and empty and $#%^. But I hardly ever do this.

I don't know.

I'm always going to be flawed and I am never going to be good enough.

Been fighting those creeping feelings of depression the past week or so and I thought I was doing okay but something always ends up setting me off and now all I can think about is cutting myself.

###$. This.

Ophelia,
no need to apologize, it is support forum.

Imagine this post above
has been written by your friend, boyfriend, relative..., by me...
could you reply it at your earliest convenience, please...?
You know all the answers...
write them for me, please, and please, do it with your non-primary hand.

Hi, Ophelia.

I definitely know what it feels like to be accused of something you feel isn't valid, and the feeling of being not good enough no matter what you do.

If I'm in the moment, I find it hard to really see the other person's perspective. However, afterward, I try to let myself think of the following points and sometimes it helps:

[*]Is your boyfriend really coming from a place of criticism or a place of concern?
[*]What are his own insecurities in this situation?
[*]What can you do to explain your point of view without devaluing his?
[*]What's a good middle ground? Never drinking alone? Only drinking with him? Only drinking when you go out and limiting the amount you drink? Conforming to something like this doesn't mean you're an alcoholic.

I know it might feel like you're being controlled if you give in to any demands, but I would think of it more as a compromise. There's a reason he's uncomfortable, and it could nothing at all to do with you. For example, my girlfriend is uncomfortable about alcohol too, because she grew up in a family of alcoholics.

Been there. I try to turn it in a positive light ( it's really hard sometimes, I know). If my SO worries about me then he really cares is what I'd tell myself.

Hey thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated
I was in a ranty mood!

Well the thing is I am aware of his own issues regarding alcohol. He grew up with an alcoholic father who was both physically and emotionally abusive so I do understand where he is coming from. I've tried to explain to him that just because I drink doesn't make me an alcoholic and in no way do I become abusive. In a round about way i'm trying to tell him i'm not his dad!

I think maybe he is genuinely concerned about my intake but the fact these comments came after a bit of an argument about money (mainly how crap i am with it!) and how he thinks i'd have more money if I didn't drink 'so much'. So I don't know if he really is worried or if he's attempting to be a bit manipulative.

That's the thing, I am willing to compromise but it really does feel like i'm being controlled or at least, that he is trying to control me. I don't know. Maybe that's just my feelings and not what is actually happening.

I think i'm just a right bitch of a girlfriend sometimes ha.

Ophelia333 wrote:Hey thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated
I was in a ranty mood!

Well the thing is I am aware of his own issues regarding alcohol. He grew up with an alcoholic father who was both physically and emotionally abusive so I do understand where he is coming from. I've tried to explain to him that just because I drink doesn't make me an alcoholic and in no way do I become abusive. In a round about way i'm trying to tell him i'm not his dad!

I think maybe he is genuinely concerned about my intake but the fact these comments came after a bit of an argument about money (mainly how crap i am with it!) and how he thinks i'd have more money if I didn't drink 'so much'. So I don't know if he really is worried or if he's attempting to be a bit manipulative.

That's the thing, I am willing to compromise but it really does feel like i'm being controlled or at least, that he is trying to control me. I don't know. Maybe that's just my feelings and not what is actually happening.

I think i'm just a right bitch of a girlfriend sometimes ha.

I understand, because I have problems with spending money too and when my SO tries to limit me, I feel controlled. I would just... keep trying to tell yourself that it doesn't come from that place we assume it comes from. pwBPD tend to jump to the worst possible thing, and more often than not the other person isn't even thinking about that.

It's easier said than done, I know! Trust me! I'm still working on it. If it helps, maybe you could tell yourself that you're limiting the alcohol for YOUR OWN benefit and not for his. That way, it feels more like a choice you're making yourself.