EVERY little thing is making me insecure

Wow. I just don't feel good enough anymore. When people ask me what my hobbies are, I go "uhhh..." feel like I don't have many. I feel like I'm ten steps behind with hobbies and interests. If i don't have many of these things, how am I ever going to look interesting enough to other people? I feel like i lack SO MANY THINGS and its going to take me months or years to add things to my list.

I don't bring anything to the table. If i was some item a salesman were trying to sell, they wouldn't be able to sell me.

the most random things are making me insecure. on top of it, I'm lacking a ton of motivation and energy to do anything so my days are basically staying in the house and not doing much and eating and sleeping and going to work if i have work that day.

i CANT be this insecure. i can't have every little thing get to me. its too much to handle!

I get like this too. A lot. I learned that we can't compare ourselves to anyone, because we are all different. You say you don't have many hobbies? Well what's one thing you find fun? Just name one. That's all you need. Put all your energy into that. Now perhaps find 2. Just slowly work your way up. There's no need to feel like you have a ton of hobbies. Just do the few things you enjoy, don't expect yourself to be all around.

If you're lacking in motivation, perhaps just try to slowly work yourself up. Give yourself one goal a day for a week or so, then 2, then 3. And reward yourself for doing it. Does that make sense?

Try to not worry so much. You're a nice person, and that's what truly counts.

noreally_imfine wrote:Wow. I just don't feel good enough anymore. When people ask me what my hobbies are, I go "uhhh..." feel like I don't have many. I feel like I'm ten steps behind with hobbies and interests. If i don't have many of these things, how am I ever going to look interesting enough to other people? I feel like i lack SO MANY THINGS and its going to take me months or years to add things to my list.

We need hobbies to be interesting?!? I am soooo screwed!!

noreally_imfine wrote:I don't bring anything to the table. If i was some item a salesman were trying to sell, they wouldn't be able to sell me.

I remember this feeling.... and that crappy salesman too!! I don't have BPD but that "nothing to offer" feeling is something that really had a negative impact on my life shortly after high school/college; and I was popular then! As I think back on it, the feeling was like emotional quicksand, sucking me further into this pit of despair each time I struggled just a little to get out. I virtually pitied myself and yet did little to change it. Maybe I was too scared to?

I wasn't making enough money, I wasn't successful enough, I wasn't ... uhh ... I don't even know. I just wasn't! (Somehow that was good enough for my mind back then.)

Thankfully for me I took a chance on a job opening - with the intent of proving I wasn't good enough by not getting it. Talk about a slap in the freakin' face when they hired me and another kick to the arse when my career began really taking off. Apparently I was a natural at it and that brought a lot of success and fame in the areas where I worked.

The irony of it though, is that I literally had money, fame and success and there were tons and tons of women who were interested in me (heck probably even some guys too!), and yet, I still found myself the loneliest I had ever been.

"How?!" I wondered. "How in the @#%# can a person feel lonely when they have all of this (car, job, money, etc) to offer and everyone and anyone would do almost anything to be around me?" (That's how the fame felt). That's when I realized that because I now had all of these things that I wished I had years earlier, it felt like that was the ONLY REASON any of those people did want to be around me!

It's really funny how silly we humans are sometimes. In moments like that, you start doing things that reinforce what you feel. It's like how people who are heartbroken put on depressing love songs and shout "Screw love! Who needs it anyway?!" --- and then wonder, usually during the Celine Dion ballad, why they still feel sad and heartbroken.

I did that sort of backwards reinforcement thing at first but then... then I got angry!

I got angry at all of these people who were clearly after the "somethings" I now had to offer and I got angry at the people who I feared only wanted those same things. That anger apparently awoke my inner-narcassist: "How dare those people focus on that meaningless crap!! I am freakin' funny! Don't you see that? Can't you see that I'm incredibly compassionate and understanding? That I am quite intelligent? I'm as more loyal than a pet dog; I am very loving and kind, I'm honest. I have an adorable dimple!! Oh, and I have this amazing personality!!" Heck, I was paid handsomely to be that well-known personality which seemed to be the only reason these people were around me!

I remember venting to a dear friend (an exgf actually) and she said "Why are those two different things? Did it ever occur to you that you are that personality that everyone wants to be around? That they want to be around you because that is you?""

Uhhhh.... no?!??

It was like I was miserably jamming out to a sad, sappy love song when some inconsiderate ass hit shuffle on my iPod and switched it to an up-tempo dance mix! I froze. How horribly invalidating to the negative things I had felt! But dammit... what she said somehow made sense. A lot of sense!

That's when I began doing an awful lot of introspection and I became aware that all of these "things I had to offer", the same things I just knew I needed to offer but didn't have years earlier, those "things" that caused me to feel too unworthy of the sweet, beautiful girl I should have dated and married, were never, ever things I needed to have; they were things my parents taught me to believe I needed.

We weren't hugged, supported, nurtured or appreciated by those parents. They were selfishly too busy worrying about themselves and all of the things they wished they had; the lack of them was their excuse for misery. We, their children, were inconveniences and were likely to blame for why they didn't have any of those things. I worked two jobs simultaneously during my junior and senior years of highschool (10+ hrs of work, 8 +of school) and almost did not graduate due to attendance because attaining wealth and possessions was the important thing; that was what made you worthy of praise! (to my parents anyway). Come to think of it, I never did get any praise for that either! LOL

Suddenly the world made sense in the most twisted, messed-up of ways. Even with all of my career success, I never once heard or saw my parents express pride or praise. The one time I thought I saw my mother do it, I later realized it had nothing to do with me, SHE felt important because she was related to someone thought to be famous. It was all about her feelings ...as it always has been.

I was sold a bill of goods; raised by two dysfunctional parents who magically taught me how to attain happiness despite being clueless because they've never been happy or content a single day of their lives.

Remember our pal, the crappy salesman?? It took me a few years and a bit of pain, but I realized why he was so horrible at his job: You can't sell a product if you don't know enough about it to actually love the product yourself.

Curious thing is... when you do love it, it practically sells itself!

Empathy, you aren't borderline? Do you have a mental disorder or come on here cause you know someone with BPD?

you seem so knowledgable of so many things. whenever i read your posts I'm like wow, this guy really knows his stuff!

was it more for you like one day, you just woke up i mean after your ex girlfriend said that the personality IS you and then you began to do some looking inside yourself? did you ever go see a therapist to help get you out of it?

-- Fri May 17, 2013 12:53 am --

Empathy201 wrote:

noreally_imfine wrote:Wow. I just don't feel good enough anymore. When people ask me what my hobbies are, I go "uhhh..." feel like I don't have many. I feel like I'm ten steps behind with hobbies and interests. If i don't have many of these things, how am I ever going to look interesting enough to other people? I feel like i lack SO MANY THINGS and its going to take me months or years to add things to my list.

We need hobbies to be interesting?!? I am soooo screwed!!

haha no seriously! i really can't get this out of my mind! i feel like one needs hobbies to be interesting. you DONT agree?!!! and can I PM you by the way? and i also saw your other reply to a different thread where i wrote to you and found out you're a nonBPD. sorry i found that out AFTER i JUST asked on THIS thread if you were one!

noreally_imfine wrote:Empathy, you aren't borderline? Do you have a mental disorder or come on here cause you know someone with BPD?

Yeah my exgf. Although in fairness, she had only just begun therapy a few weeks before things crumbled and the only dx she shared was PTSD (which I had felt she had) so I guess I probably shouldn't say she is... but she is BPD. I know her too well not to know.

How I got here, interestingly enough, did not have much to do with my ex - originally. There were two specific moments in that relationship where I felt so hurt, so unconsidered, etc. that I literally became triggered to the point of having zero control over my emotional reaction (which felt like anger/rage but I was aware that I was just crushed by what occurred). Thankfully I'm not violent nor do I participate in name-calling or anything like that, but the assault of verbal truisms I laid on her were over-the-top and it bothered me deeply that I felt like I had no control over it.

Months after the relationship ended I experienced something similar during a visit with my mother who had always been this impossible-to-understand, lashing out type of woman and I sort of disassociated during one of her arguments to the point of realizing, via 3rd person perspective (weird!) she was actually TRYING to invoke that state in me, and the more I did nothing (reaction-wise) the harder she tried. It felt humorous in a way but I also realized "Wow, that previous hurt-filled reaction is something I was taught!"

So I began looking into emotional regulation - for myself - and stumbled into DBT. Then I looked into what DBT treats and... whoa!!! That's my ex-girlfriend. 8 out of 9! And WHOA...

As it turns out, my own mother has BPD/NPD traits! Weird how I've seen both side of the traits/symptoms too. My ex was very quiet, inward-focused, she was self-blamed for everything - and my mom is loud, completely outward and anyone but her is to blame.

So it became a bit of a goal to understand both people, to find closure (through knowledge) for that past relationship, to see if I could somehow improve things with my mother and to continue ensuring that I've found myself and try to repair any damage done by any of this.

No disorder, no. I have some lingering issues from growing up in that household, one specific co-dependent trait (that I talked about in a reply somewhere) and I have wondered how much my parents dysfunction has affected me, but I had to pass psychological evaluations for some security clearance a few years back so apparently I'm actually okay! ...that's not to say some therapy wouldn't help. I think everyone could benefit from a bit of that.

noreally_imfine wrote:was it more for you like one day, you just woke up i mean after your ex girlfriend said that the personality IS you and then you began to do some looking inside yourself? did you ever go see a therapist to help get you out of it?.

It was a lot like the first part. She was an ex only because of career moves so this was someone whom I trusted very much and was still bonded with - which is maybe why it went as deep as it did? Bear in mind that from the point of feeling "nothing to offer" to having "everything to offer" and that ex-inspired epiphany was about three or four years worth of time. I guess I just buried or faked my way around some of it. But after she said that there was a moment of "Okay, why wouldn't I see it that way if she can see it so clearly?" and then backtracking to see WHERE all of that was coming from and why.

I suppose therapists do that. Help people unravel things and peel back layers until you get to the core. Somehow I was able to do that on my own but it took time, and I'm still seeing new (little) things every few weeks. I considered psychology as a career when I was in highschool so maybe that interest helped?

haha no seriously! i really can't get this out of my mind! i feel like one needs hobbies to be interesting. you DONT agree?!!!

Is making people laugh a hobby? Otherwise, I have to disagree or I really am screwed! LOL

In all seriousness, I like people so someone's unique perspective on the world is more interesting to me than if they collected stamps. I'm generally curious about personas and experiences and what people have learned in life. Are there many lessons to be had from practicing magic tricks or knitting? I doubt it. Well, maybe there's something about protecting ones thumbs that might be of use - but you get the idea! Haha.

I suppose I draw which I could pretend were a hobby if I did it more often. But I've yet to meet anyone who asked for information about hobbies. And, if someone said to me "No hobbies?!? Sorry. I don't find you interesting." I would probably reply with "Really?! I find you interesting because of your interest in people who only have interests!"

Odds are that I would suddenly become very interesting to them. Why? I don't know! But I'll bet that would work.

And sure, feel free to PM me.

I can relate to you noreally_imfine but also to you Empathy201..

I had achieved success and was popular but felt worthless until I dated my ex boyfriend...I felt like my ex boyfriend gave me the validation that I had been craving all of my life..I almost feel like I was dying emotionally until I got a man to approve of me..because I just didn't think that my father loved me ever.. I knew that women liked me..I knew that my mother loved me.. but I thought that my father hated me and I presumed that all men hated me.. I thought that men felt that I was too opinionated, too feisty for their liking.. My father was always telling me that I was a "bitch" when I stood up for myself so I associated being a strong woman with men hating me basically. I thought that the only way a man would ever really like or love me would be to tone down my opinions..tone down my personality...to just go with the flow..be this easy going person that I'm really not! But with my ex boyfriend, I felt like I could express all my opinions..I felt like he was really interested in what I had to say..and I was very aware that this was something that I had never gotten from my own father so in a way, it was kind of healing..to realise that I deserved that time..that I had been denied that time by my own father.

I hope I haven't strayed too far from the original topic of hobbies..with regard to hobbies, I would say just do a hobby that you love..don't make a hobby into a chore or an obligation..do something you're really passionate about..

I totally get this. You know what's weird though? I have a TON of "hobbies". I just don't consider them hobbies because I don't think I'm the type of person that has hobbies, and that the stuff I am interested in isn't "good enough" to be a hobby.

For example. I sing. All the time. I love singing. I'm a pretty good singer! But you ask me what my hobbies are, it doesn't even enter my head that singing is one of them, because I don't do it "properly" or whatever. So I made up my mind to consider singing a hobby.

Also reading and music. These don't seem like "proper" hobbies to me because I don't go to a special place to do them and while I was doing my degree, reading was work and not really a hobby. But they are totally things I am interested in and can talk about.

I also like to teach myself languages every so often.

These are not really "social" hobbies so I think that is one of the big reasons I don't think they're interesting. All while growing up I did stuff to get away from family/school people, not to make friends with them, haha. The main thing is that I don't keep up with my hobbies and spend lots of time procrastinating on the internet. But I bet these other hobby-having douches do that too!!!

You're more interesting than you think you are. I would bet any money. Think of things that you enjoy doing and try and see some worth in what you enjoy, imo.

bisousx wrote:I totally get this. You know what's weird though? I have a TON of "hobbies". I just don't consider them hobbies because I don't think I'm the type of person that has hobbies, and that the stuff I am interested in isn't "good enough" to be a hobby.

For example. I sing. All the time. I love singing. I'm a pretty good singer! But you ask me what my hobbies are, it doesn't even enter my head that singing is one of them, because I don't do it "properly" or whatever. So I made up my mind to consider singing a hobby.

Also reading and music. These don't seem like "proper" hobbies to me because I don't go to a special place to do them and while I was doing my degree, reading was work and not really a hobby. But they are totally things I am interested in and can talk about.

I also like to teach myself languages every so often.

These are not really "social" hobbies so I think that is one of the big reasons I don't think they're interesting. All while growing up I did stuff to get away from family/school people, not to make friends with them, haha. The main thing is that I don't keep up with my hobbies and spend lots of time procrastinating on the internet. But I bet these other hobby-having douches do that too!!!

You're more interesting than you think you are. I would bet any money. Think of things that you enjoy doing and try and see some worth in what you enjoy, imo.

Haha! the things you've listed are things i WANT to be my HOBBIES!

I want to learn to play the guitar. and there are several languages I want to learn. I studied abroad in Spain for a few months but I was in an intermediate program surrounded by american students so I didn't learn AS much spanish as I hoped. Now being back at home, I don't have any spanish speaking friends so my spanish is that of a beginners. haven't spoken it in years, not that i got far in it to begin with.

I don't really know of any way of learning a new language besides buying a rosetta stone which i don't have the money for. making new friends has been very difficult so i doubt i can go out there and just find a new friend who wants to hang out all the time and teach me spanish.

and the guitar... I have this dumb neck problem and I go to physical therapy twice a week. its a lot of stiffness and it gets tense and sometimes theres pain. I haven't tried picking up the guitar in many months but the last time I tried, it bothered my neck.

There ARE things I'd like to do but can't. Or ...maybe I am just making up excuses as to why I can't?

This morning, I woke up and thought about this tattoo I have on my back. Its by the band Incubus and its from their song "Warning" . The lyrics are "Don't ever let life pass you by". And i was just thinking how its such a LIE for me. I've totally been letting life pass me by. I got this tattoo when I had just come out of a deep depression and was feeling really good. that only lasted a few months though.

littlearcher wrote:no really im fine: so you do have interests and things that you liked, you just haven't gotten to the point that you've pursued them to the point that you would call them "hobbies"

sounds might be other things you are interested in as well....

would you say that music is a passion for you? it must have a lot of meaning to have a song lyric tattooed on you.

i personally have the name of my favourite musician tattooed on me and that's because music is a huge passion of mine, however, it's not a hobby as i don't make music, i just listen to it.

I don't know if this sounds really silly but, i guess i never looked at music as being a passion of mine because i only listen to it, i don't play any instruments or know much about music theory or any of that stuff. i just like listening to music. even when i listen to music, I'm sure i can be very superficial about it if that makes any sense?

I've always looked at being passionate about something meaning you have to really like every aspect about it. like it as a whole. really be nuts about it. i JUST listen to music. thats it.

littlearcher wrote:no really im fine: so you do have interests and things that you liked, you just haven't gotten to the point that you've pursued them to the point that you would call them "hobbies"

sounds might be other things you are interested in as well....

would you say that music is a passion for you? it must have a lot of meaning to have a song lyric tattooed on you.

i personally have the name of my favourite musician tattooed on me and that's because music is a huge passion of mine, however, it's not a hobby as i don't make music, i just listen to it.

I don't know if this is considered an epiphany or what but I think i realized what I'm really passionate about: exercising. which is GREAT but my body is very weak overall and i have lots of soreness and pain in my neck, shoulder and back. its no major injury to the body. not really even what id consider an injury at all they said its a muscular imbalance. i am in physical therapy twice a week for it. All i can do at the time and for the past year is walk. blah! i became so frustrated that several days ago, i jogged three straight days in a row. haven't done that in like... i don't know... 9 months or something?
One emotion i feel very intensely is anger. pure red hot anger. When I'm angry, i feel HIGH, i feel in control and very powerful. i felt that EXACT SAME WAY when i jogged the other day with the addition of feeling proud and accomplished. I got off the treadmill at the gym and had a huge urge to clap out loud and go WOO! and cheer myself on. I love every aspect about exercising and I don't know why I am suddenly becoming SO self aware of everything i love about it but last night on my overnight shift at work, i mentally made a list of things I loved. I love when I'm done jogging and my face is beet red and I've been sweating. I've also always wanted to REALLY sweat like have my shirt soaked. i was always jealous of people who did that at the gym. it sounds strange but i felt that the more they sweat, the more they were kicking butt and really getting a work out. i love the sore feeling i get from it. if its hard to walk, sit or go up stairs because my body is sore, i like it cause i know i got a work out from it. I feel "sexy" or that i look my best when i have on work out clothes, like those tight fitted shirts and spandex pants. when the boston marathon bombing happened, i was upset (like all the other Massachusetts residents did) but i felt like my reaction was a bit abnormal. i didn't know anyone who was running in it. but i know why i felt that way because I've always wanted to run a marathon and something horrific happened in a setting i hope i am one day in. my dad and step mom ran the jersey shore marathon and after they did, i always wanted to run one. it is on my bucket list. About a year ago, i saw the documentary The Secret and how they gave advice about using visualization to help be more successful, positive and happy in life. RIGHT after i saw that, i tried forcefully to visualize good things: a job, better relationship with my boyfriend, etc and realized i just couldn't do it. over the past several weeks, i have NATURALLY been doing visualization with running. I love getting my Women's Health magazines in the mail every month. Not only is cardio important but i miss strength training tremendously. i used to OBSESS years ago about toning my abs and my arms. always looking in the mirror. but then my back went and i couldn't get up out of the bed a few times. i did very light physical therapy that i didn't take seriously. i just stopped all strength training ever since then. and now lately, i am so frustrated and devastated how weak my body is and that I'm restricted to all kinds of physical activity. even walking bothers it. again, its just muscular imbalance. I've come up with reasons as to how i got such a weak body. depression=no energy= i lay down a lot. the bed is my favorite place. i lay whenever i can. TERRIBLE POSTURE. Stress makes my shoulders shrug. tension all over my body.
I've been thinking about this stuff for several weeks now but last night i was really in a deep obsessive thought about all this. Its made me come to the conclusion that I'm going to try that mindful stress reduction class that you introduced to me that is $450 because I'm honestly starting to believe if i don't physically relax, i won't be able to correct my issues with my body.

Sorry this is SO long but i felt really great to come to this realization last night that i just want to publicly talk about it!