I try so hard but I keep falling back

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I've read a few threads and I find myself incredibly lost and frustrated with myself.

As someone with BPD, I've recognized that I need to seek help and that I need to take steps so that I am a happier person in regards to myself and being able to keep relationships with my (ex) boyfriends. Each time I find myself falling deeply in love where they in turn fall deeply in love with me. To the point where they confess how much they love me and I get comfort from knowing this. I think my problem is that since I know how much they love me, I start to lose my sense of control and start this whole cycle of getting upset over something that might seem small to them but to me, I find this whole deeper meaning about how I am not being understood and how they make me feel rejected even though if I count up all the evidence, I know that they love me and will never want to hurt me on purpose. I find myself being so insecure that when I get reminded of his past lovers, I start thinking that I am not so special to him anymore because I start thinking about the things he says to me now and how he probably has said it to an ex-girlfriend before. I realize this is unfair as I've had other exboyfriends before him and I just don't know why I keep doing this. I am aware of it now and I feel so heartbroken looking back realizing how much I've hurt him with my words. He has nothing but been kind to me and our arguments could have easily been solved each time but I let my anger dwell.

Last night was the final straw for him, he was going to borrow books about BPD to know more how to make this relationship work with me. But last night's fight just drove him off to the edge, even when he was breaking up with me, I just kept being so nasty... blaming him each time out of rage and hurt that he would abandon me. I realize that he has to take care of himself and that taking a few steps back from the incident makes me realize that I only have myself to blame for why he broke up with me.

I have gone through 12 weeks DBT and I looked forward to each session each week because it was the only time where I felt understood. I also loved the aspect that the skills being taught were useful and gave me hope that I will learn all of this so my next relationship would not end in such heartache. But since the 12 weeks was over, I find myself going back to my old ways... and I know I should keep working on it and keep practicing it so I don't know why I am writing here in the first place.

It seems like I know what I should do but it is so hard. I wish I could make things right with him but he has deleted me off his life and I fear that if I try to contact him again he'll end up hating me even more even though it broke his heart greatly to have to say that he needed to break up with me. I would appreciate any input on this. I apologize in advance if I may have rambled.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do, you're just afraid and finding it difficult to do it.

It's great that you had the 12 week DBT course but, as you have noted, you aren't using the skills now that the course is over and you're seeing problems again. If I remember correctly, Linehan's original DBT course was actually 12 months! So it's understandable that you would find it difficult to keep implementing those new skills - especially when nobody's requiring any homework from your previous session. As I'm sure you know, those skills are meant to replace previous methods and that takes a lot of practice and repetition before you use them like a reflex.

From his perspective, it's entirely possible (and likely) that what is occurring now isn't out of a lack of love for you. He may see you struggling and see the despair on your face after those crisis moments have passed. He may feel that the relationship is making it harder for you to recover (because relationships do make it harder to recover) and that's really tough on a partner.

You don't know what the future holds for you. None of us know our future. We can pretend we do, but we don't. What we do know is that our future is currently unwritten and we can affect that future by what we do today and ever today that follows. You could begin vigorously practicing what you've learned in DBT and be a very different person (behaviorally) in the next 3 to 6 months. You may feel like a totally different person in the next year. You might meet someone new or bump into an old flame. You might have a completely different relationship from anything you've previously experienced. All of that depends on what you do today.

Its hard for people who have been on the receiving end of negative reactions because whatever the cause of those actions is, they erode trust.

If you want to speak to a person who you've had that kind of situation with, honesty is more likely to be helpful whatever the truth is.

Empathy201 wrote:It sounds like you already know what you need to do, you're just afraid and finding it difficult to do it.

It's great that you had the 12 week DBT course but, as you have noted, you aren't using the skills now that the course is over and you're seeing problems again. If I remember correctly, Linehan's original DBT course was actually 12 months! So it's understandable that you would find it difficult to keep implementing those new skills - especially when nobody's requiring any homework from your previous session. As I'm sure you know, those skills are meant to replace previous methods and that takes a lot of practice and repetition before you use them like a reflex.

From his perspective, it's entirely possible (and likely) that what is occurring now isn't out of a lack of love for you. He may see you struggling and see the despair on your face after those crisis moments have passed. He may feel that the relationship is making it harder for you to recover (because relationships do make it harder to recover) and that's really tough on a partner.

You don't know what the future holds for you. None of us know our future. We can pretend we do, but we don't. What we do know is that our future is currently unwritten and we can affect that future by what we do today and ever today that follows. You could begin vigorously practicing what you've learned in DBT and be a very different person (behaviorally) in the next 3 to 6 months. You may feel like a totally different person in the next year. You might meet someone new or bump into an old flame. You might have a completely different relationship from anything you've previously experienced. All of that depends on what you do today.

Thank you so much for your words. I find myself crying just for the sole reason that this board exists and I'm glad that there is support out here. Before we got together, I found myself giving him an advice that just dawned on him now and that was to take care of himself and I guess leaving me was needed for him. I will keep continuing despite the difficulty and I'm sure you are right, this is not the first time I've experience heartache... it's just so tiring to have to keep going through this as the pain can be so much.

-- Wed May 15, 2013 4:29 pm --

katana wrote:Its hard for people who have been on the receiving end of negative reactions because whatever the cause of those actions is, they erode trust.

If you want to speak to a person who you've had that kind of situation with, honesty is more likely to be helpful whatever the truth is.

I do want to speak with him to at least get proper closure as he broke up with me through skype. I feel so much guilt and want to make it right but I am just so frightened to contact him again as it might drive him further away... But I am conflicted with the knowledge that I need to work on myself first. Overall, I am just so sad to have lost and hurt a great friend.