i NEED people in my life right now! may trigger

I am at a fragile time in my life over the past few weeks and i feel like a few people have started to shut me out including my boyfriend.whenever i talk to him about worries and want some type of reassurance he has NOTHING to say anymore, not a damn thing! he either won't respond or say idk what to say.

i said id rather have him open with me vs shutting me out. he said just because i don't have a response for all ur worries doesn't mean I'm shutting u out. ur accusing me again. stop it.

this is the third day in a row he has said I've accused him of something which i know he hates! if he says this one more damn time i swear I'm gonna FREAK OUT!

it bothered me so much i just sat in the bathroom cutting. i CANNOT take it anymore!

honestly, i want to go a few days of not talking to him at all. i mean if he texts me at all, not respond back. completely ignore him. but since our relationship has gotten so burnt out over several months, i feel like i can't ignore him. he'll be mad if i do. but i don't want to talk to him. I'm worried if i say i need a few days of space that he will look at that as a hint and say its not working out. and I'm terrified to be alone. i don't want him to resort to that. so either way, I'm trapped.

can't stand this. can't stand this people shutting their door in my face. its making me truly hate people. they are really starting to disappoint me and its not helping with my negative thoughts of life.

i need people right now. i need people to talk to on a daily basis. i need support. not people to tell me they are burnt out and have nothing to respond back with ! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this forum has been very helpful for me. i'm sure you'll find similar help. when i was going through the similar feeling, i realized i didnt need people, i needed assurance that i'm a good person. if you could look back at some of your memories, try to talk to an old friend, perhaps it could help.

Hi there,
the place you describe and the emotions with in are familiar and painful and scary. Soul scarring even.
I hear you describing a lonely brutal place, and you have hit the end of your endurance. To feel this is exhausting.
This forum can help, it is a place of community. A place of recognition and acceptance.
Look about for islands in this sea of loneliness. Any port in a storm. Other things and people
you relate to. Any community you have a part in. Art, music, outdoors......be with them if you can.
Recall those connections, dim tho they may seem at this time. What you feel at these moments of pain
is not you. You are not it. It does not define you.
It feels endless. It is not.

I realized re-reading this hours later that it just sounds like a rant about my boyfriend not having the right responses anymore. i totally focused on him and briefly on anything else.

my friends are burnt out too though. one won't respond or says a few quick things and says she has nothing else to say so she is just like him.

this other one who claims she is just brutally honest snaps at me and says I'm ridiculous for feeling anxiety for things i can't control.

basically though, there is a general pattern of either people burnt out, or people i can't seem to rely on. I'm not strong enough at this point to rely on myself i feel. when I'm alone I'm bored, I'm empty. theres nothing. i would rather just sleep. not die, just sleep. i feel like sleeping helps a lot.

it helps put an end to something I'm obsessing about. and stops me from doing impulsive things. it can really help. thing is, if its my day off, ill want to stay in and sleep all day.

I've been desperate for new friends and the past few attempts I've made at talking to new people completely failed. never heard from them. maybe it was the way i approached them. maybe i really did come off as desperate.

but everything lately is making my emotions come out more. I'm more irritable, I'm angry - i yell and swear at my mom who is the best person in my life, ill cut or smoke cigarettes and i cry a lot a lot. in the past week I've cried twice at work which is embarrassing.

=/

It did not read like a rant, in my view. It's a good description of how you feel and what you have been thinking and telling your self about how you feel. Very detailed.
Yeah crying at work can be a problem, but crying in general is good for us...brain chemicals change and
all that. When you feel coming can you step out maybe alone and cry it out? It passes more quickly and
completely that way.

Alone is a tricky thing. Boredom is part of life. A healthy part of life. It allows the body to rest.

yes but boredom all the time isn't a good thing.

i go today to see the psychiatrist and let me tell you, i've been viciously swinging back and forth with the idea of medication. most of the time I'm like "no way, I'm not taking anything! i don't want any of those side effects or for it to really change me" but days like when i originally scheduled the appointment, I am thinking "i don't care anymore! whatever you give me ill just swallow."

I'm probably going to step in her office today and say "listen, give me a pill that numbs me out. makes me feel no emotion whatsoever." I'm SURE she won't do that but I'm sure it'll give her a better understanding of how I've been feeling lately.

ahhh... the feeling of self-defeat by taking medication. man, thats not fun for me. but I'm suffering bad time. i guess right now I'm pro-med (which again, I'm usually not) and I'm thinking well if this doesn't work, i can either try a new one or if trying out this one is too unpleasant, ill stop it and stay off meds.

I'm drained.

-- Tue May 07, 2013 2:23 pm --

outlier476 wrote:It did not read like a rant, in my view. It's a good description of how you feel and what you have been thinking and telling your self about how you feel. Very detailed.
Yeah crying at work can be a problem, but crying in general is good for us...brain chemicals change and
all that. When you feel coming can you step out maybe alone and cry it out? It passes more quickly and
completely that way.

Alone is a tricky thing. Boredom is part of life. A healthy part of life. It allows the body to rest.

by the way, thank you for responding.

agree boredom all the time sucks. too much " rest" leads to inertia and that is not healthy at all.
Balance....somewhere in there....it's not a cliche. It's not unique to us either. All people have to find this.
Hear you loud and clear on the medication issue.Major struggle for me over the years. Took some heavy meds when I was young. Very long ago.
I know you will make the right choice for you. Numbness is not the only solace. And meds have come a
long way.

Thank you, btw, for being brave enough and motivated enough to come on this forum.
It counts. Really does.

outlier476 wrote:agree boredom all the time sucks. too much " rest" leads to inertia and that is not healthy at all.
Balance....somewhere in there....it's not a cliche. It's not unique to us either. All people have to find this.
Hear you loud and clear on the medication issue.Major struggle for me over the years. Took some heavy meds when I was young. Very long ago.
I know you will make the right choice for you. Numbness is not the only solace. And meds have come a
long way.

Thank you, btw, for being brave enough and motivated enough to come on this forum.
It counts. Really does.

wow, I've never heard anyone thank me for coming on a forum and posting about my problems. I was really shocked by that but its a good shock. its just people are usually tired of me. i actually was worried about making ANOTHER post on here. I've made quite a handful since I've joined this site.

btw, I'm going to PM you!

I mean it.I think the forum is very helpful. I think we are powerful brave people.

PM away. I will be in and out this day, soon out for some exercise but reading and writing is my days agenda.

It's not a matter if other people are tired of your experiences. The question is.....
are YOU tired of it, enough to look for something new?

I do know that is daunting and requires energy. the last thing in the world I want to do is lay anything on you. ok?

this forum has a lot of bright and willing people. bring it on!

Hey,

It's really good you posted on this forum. I remember talking to you a couple of weeks ago!
I had a horrible incident happen with my ex boyfriend about 2 days ago, and I vented on here and now I feel a lot better.

I know what you are going through, I have had similar situations in the past. I don't think you should ignore him.... What I think you should do is not tell him about any worries you are having. Its hard acting like you are ok, but it may save your relationship if you feel like he is shutting you out.I know how difficult it is.... When you just feel low as anything and you want to share it with your other half. But I had to end up closing myself off a bit from boyfriends in the past because sometimes people can't handle it.

I hope you are ok, I've tried to stop cutting in the last couple of weeks. I've been using an elastic band to ping against my wrist it helps relieve a lot of tension. It's still a type of release in a sense. Have you tried it?
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