The sound of silence

The last couple years I've been living an almost hermit existence. Essentially all family and "friends" have avoided me due to my illness reaching a crisis point where I was seen as not just eccentric but mentally ill.

Now, at a time that I feel more centered than I have been possibly ever, I'm finding that the new relationships which I am trying to form anew are resulting in profound silences.

A person I knew as a child reached out to me via facebook, I wrote a quick reply that I've re-read many times for some clue, but there's been no response. Total silence.

This is not an isolated instance, I began to wonder if my email was messed up. People I've come to know are simply not replying to my messages.

Any thoughts?

What have you said in the messages? Have they been pretty blunt? To the point? Open ended?

Yep. Those are the questions I've been asking.

Thing is it's not an isolated instance. I can accept that as I heal I become only more unattractive to most people, hell we tend to carry that kind of self message anyway, at least it doesn't hurt to think that anymore. Mostly wondering if I'm alone in finding that part of becoming more well is to start to exclude a growing segment of the populace. That there's an element of isolation in becoming more aware.

Try calling people to make sure it's not just your email or facebook messing up.

If it is working and you have a lot of friends/family on facebook or other sites, you should show them through that that you are doing better. If you post things about you going out somewhere and having a good time, getting a job, being productive, ect, they'll probably see that you're a lot more centered and doing better. When things like this happen, just saying sorry and that you've changed or feel better doesn't work; you have to actually show them that it's true. I think once you do that they'll slowly start coming back into your life.

centerpath wrote: I can accept that as I heal I become only more unattractive to most people, hell we tend to carry that kind of self message anyway, at least it doesn't hurt to think that anymore. Mostly wondering if I'm alone in finding that part of becoming more well is to start to exclude a growing segment of the populace. That there's an element of isolation in becoming more aware.

Centerpath, if I may ask, what do you mean by 'as I heal I become more unattractive'? Wouldn't it be the opposite?

I am going through something similar where I have lost contact with virtually all fam and most friends in last few years. in my case I am pretty certain it has been my bpd driving people away... my hope is that taking steps toward healing will help me stop losing people.

But at same time, I think that the driving away seems to have accelerated as I have gained insight into my bpd so maybe that is what you are getting at.

Thank you for replying.

The issue hasn't been the people I lost track of, it's actually what I thought were new friendships. I've seen a pattern where I'm very helpful and generous to people in my life but discovered that it was a one way street most times, so I'm making a conscious choice to search for reciprocity in relationships, and seeing that when I stop being the one to make an effort they wilt. That's fine, it's part of the process of learning to form balanced relationships.

What I mean by being found attractive by fewer people as I heal is in regards to that balance. The as I'm discovering my limits and boundaries, those people who pretended to be my friend because of my generosity of time and energy are no longer reaching out, presumably because of selfishness. In fact selfishness seems to be a trait that's really common out in the world. My BPD formed in a family system where I became the fixer, the one to try to soothe and channel the intense family energy. That led to some pretty deep patterns in me where I'd kind of live on behalf of others. As I'm facing my growth in the direction of internalizing the identity stuff we tend to externalize, I'm discovering a bit of what I would call selfishness in myself, and trying to become more so.

Anyway, I guess the issue I was hoping to explore is the general theme of the kinds of relationships we form changing, and in my case the number of genuinely close ones dropping a lot.

Thanks

I think I'm in a similar boat. Basically, as I've learned about BPD, I've realized a big part of my problem has been lack of boundaries... I've often played that "fixer" or "helper" role, and as I've started getting away from that and putting my own needs/wants first, I quickly become a lot less appealing to the people who would have been benefiting from my fixing and helping. (My mom, for example, is a lot less interested in seeing me and talking to me since I've started pushing back on her eternal boundary violations. Which is actually 100% okay with me LOL)

And I hear you about selfishness being this surprisingly common trait out in the world. It's like I've been raised to self-sacrifice, and I thought everyone else was too, but I'm realizing that isn't true -- that instead, "healthy" people seem to have quite a sizable bit of selfishness guiding their living. They are easily able to look at someone else's problem and say "sorry, can't help ya, it ain't my problem."

So yeah, I think it follows that in such a world, there probably aren't anywhere near as many "genuinely close" relationships out there as I had imagined. Much more than I used to think, many relationships are less about mutual growth and more about self-interests of the parties involved. Not that there's anything wrong with it... it's just life. (Sometimes I think the animal kingdom can give perspective on human life... and among animals, there sure isn't much altruism... it's all about self-interest.)

Overall, your overall idea makes lots of sense: healing BPD no doubt involves major re-defining of what relationships are all about. And that will result in fewer "close" relationships. Having 2 or 3 close relationships is probably much more common than having 20 or 30.

Actually there's a brilliant Ben Franklin quote that might sum this all up:

There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Yes, spot on. Thank you.

I've also seen a passive aggressive side to my own generosity, that I did expect some form of mutual generosity from others and would be somewhat secretly resentful when it wasn't forthcoming. The passive aggressive side I've seen mostly in others, people who are generous to me but always seem to want me to anticipate their needs and jump to them. Something about that rubs me the wrong way. I'll assume I've had similar traits and just haven't been aware enough to see them as clearly.

I see a certain tyranny in the "non" culture. All these unspoken rules and expectations, that often run counter to self descriptions. I'm sure most people would describe themselves as generous, yet I've found true generosity rare, and those that can be generous of themselves without the passive kind of projected expectation even more rare.

I'd be happy with 2-3 friends. At this point I have an ex wife and brother that I'd call true friends, and one non family member. Aside from that I see droves of folks that seem even more self involved than me, and I judge myself harshly for being so self involved over the BPD struggles.

I also need to own that I remain most attracted to people on the BPD side of things, maybe not those who are disordered as many of us, but am attracted to people that I feel a heart wound in. I get a sense of tenderness and gentleness from such folks, yet while they value my energy and attention, I find as a group they often run for cover if I express a need. Consciousness is a humbling venture.

centerpath wrote:What I mean by being found attractive by fewer people as I heal is in regards to that balance. The as I'm discovering my limits and boundaries, those people who pretended to be my friend because of my generosity of time and energy are no longer reaching out, presumably because of selfishness.

I understand what you are saying. However, rather than wording that as you being less attractive to people, which could feel like an emotional truth to some, what's really occurring is that your healing has made you less likely to be exploited and mistreated. That actually makes you more attractive as a person/friend/partner in the eyes of decent human beings.