Hidden borderline? (possible trigger)

Tyri0n wrote:The more I hate things outside me, the less I hate myself. And vice versa. I took anti-depressants my first year of law school that made me extremely dismissive-avoidant (hating other people), but it also caused me to focus well and do quite well academically. Sometimes, when I get into this mode, I almost feel like a Narcissist. But it's only temporary; it's more a projection thing than me really thinking I'm hot stuff. I definitely don't have narcissistic thought processes even though I sometimes temporary have outward behaviors similar to NPD, but then I snap back into something else.

I think I may have had a form of NPD when I was younger, but I think BPD is far more dominant at the present time. When I took the psychological screening test last fall, NPD did not really come up at all. But "extreme emotional distress" and "unstable self image" did; unfortunately, that test did not screen specifically for BPD.

I think that hating others instead of yourself sounds more like your passive-aggressiveness. So petulant BPD sounds better.

No worries! I'm glad you had that epiphany. Even though I didn't have BPD I often had big steps forward in my recovery for my issues every time I had an epiphany so it's awesome to hear what I wrote helped give you one! Someone who's fully secure with themselves in relationships won't split their partner and secure attachment people tend to accept their partner for both the traits that they like and don't like about them and that partners good traits are good enough to fill all their relationship needs that they don't really mind the bad traits. So if you struggle with splitting it often causes many issues in relationships. Eventually accepting yourself and others for everything they are good and bad will give you a better idea of what partners are good for your personal preferance and needs and will give you a lot less emotional pain in life I feel like.

conclave wrote:No worries! I'm glad you had that epiphany. Even though I didn't have BPD I often had big steps forward in my recovery for my issues every time I had an epiphany so it's awesome to hear what I wrote helped give you one! Someone who's fully secure with themselves in relationships won't split their partner and secure attachment people tend to accept their partner for both the traits that they like and don't like about them and that partners good traits are good enough to fill all their relationship needs that they don't really mind the bad traits. So if you struggle with splitting it often causes many issues in relationships. Eventually accepting yourself and others for everything they are good and bad will give you a better idea of what partners are good for your personal preferance and needs and will give you a lot less emotional pain in life I feel like.

The crazy thing is I always thought I saw my partner for their good and bad because I would be so happy with them at times and then so mad at them at times. But now I realize the "black and white" theory is dynamic, you can flip between black and white. Whereas before I thought "if I thought in black and white I couldn't love this person for everything they do and hate this person for everything they do at the same time". I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly never made that connection. I honestly thought that was one of my positive traits is that I can see the good and bad in people. But I'm combining the good and bad in retrospect. Whereas at any given moment either I love someone or hate them. Even my friends, I have very intense friendships with people, then if they do one that that triggers something negative in me, I hate them and swear I will never talk to them again. Crazy stuff.

All that will get better as you recover. It's great that you notice it now though as that's the first step for any issue!

-- Sun May 05, 2013 12:07 am --

All that will get better as you recover. It's great that you notice it now though as that's the first step for any issue!

I think yes, I'm exactly like you..in public I hold my "armor" i can joke, smile, laugh everything. but when i get home I am my bpd traits/possibly bi-polar 2 self. I've learned how to hide my emotions ever since i was little. So yes, I think it's possible. That's the reason I can't work right now because it requires a lot of energy for me to keep up with the "appearances" and I just don't have the energy for that at this point. I'm not saying I'm being fake but I think subconsciously that is what I am used to behaving like in public and with family..it happens automatically. But I suffer alone.

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD so I really don't know. But I've related to a bit of what you've been posting.

I read about BPD years ago in relation to dissociation. And I dismissed it because, like you, I don't act out very much. I've had a few overdoses and hospital admissions, but they tend to release me straight away because I appear to be fine (I don't seem irrational). I'm not overly emotional in front of people. I shut that down. I almost never cried or got angry in front of people. But I kind of consciously trained myself to be this way. I wouldn't let things affect me, because I saw it as a weakness. I saw it in my family, and I didn't want to be like them.

I do impulsive things too, and make stupid choices. I've moved around a lot, overseas, across country, getting involved in very sudden and kind of strange relationships. I've been varying levels of self-destructive... though it's hardly noticed.

It's only been very recently that I lost my handle on anger and my emotions. I think part of that was caused by medication (and abusing medication) and alcohol. I never thought that I was capable of it... losing control, both publicly and privately. I have had serious meltdowns over little things, like I can't find my keys, or someone will say something to me and I've popped... swearing and threatening. How I've kept my job, I don't know. Though my impulsive and self destructive tendencies have diminished.

I really don't know. I've had different labels tossed around too. Mostly doctors shrug their shoulders. The last one just outlined my symptoms and told me only that I have a personality disorder. And then he told me he couldn't help me.

I suddenly don't feel angry or BPD at the moment. Just calm exhausted and like I am disassociating but in a calm sort of way, like everything is unreal. I am definitely in "schizoid mode" at the moment, and what sucks is I have another appointment tomorrow. I just feel tired and lethargic. Three days ago, when I made this post, I felt like going out and beating up multiple people or setting off bombs.

I honestly have a hard time even thinking of the reasons why I and the people around me were once so convinced I had BPD. I just do not feel like it now.

I have heard changing perspectives like this is common with BPD. So how does one even get diagnosed?

Tyri0n wrote:I suddenly don't feel angry or BPD at the moment. Just calm exhausted and like I am disassociating but in a calm sort of way, like everything is unreal. I am definitely in "schizoid mode" at the moment, and what sucks is I have another appointment tomorrow. I just feel tired and lethargic. Three days ago, when I made this post, I felt like going out and beating up multiple people or setting off bombs.

I honestly have a hard time even thinking of the reasons why I and the people around me were once so convinced I had BPD. I just do not feel like it now.

I have heard changing perspectives like this is common with BPD. So how does one even get diagnosed?

I go back and forth constantly between thinking I have bpd to thinking it's all a load of rubbish, and that I'm fine . This has seriously hindered my progress in recovery. I kept getting diagnosed with bpd, but I just would not be able to accept my diagnosis long enough to make real gains. This is why non compliance is such an issue with people who have bpd: they have a few good hours, and suddenly think that everything is fine, and has always been fine.

I was never in a position where I was looking to get diagnosed, but had to see a doctor, and was referred to a psychologist who then diagnosed me. If you think you may have it, then would be best to book a doctor's appointment, and tell them you think you have it, and then you will be referred to a psychologist who will assess you.

littlearcher wrote:

Tyri0n wrote:I suddenly don't feel angry or BPD at the moment. Just calm exhausted and like I am disassociating but in a calm sort of way, like everything is unreal. I am definitely in "schizoid mode" at the moment, and what sucks is I have another appointment tomorrow. I just feel tired and lethargic. Three days ago, when I made this post, I felt like going out and beating up multiple people or setting off bombs.

I honestly have a hard time even thinking of the reasons why I and the people around me were once so convinced I had BPD. I just do not feel like it now.

I have heard changing perspectives like this is common with BPD. So how does one even get diagnosed?

what do you mean by feel bpd?

i ask because i wonder if maybe your bias around what you imagine bpd to feel like might come into play.

i mean i don't feel intensely about things all day/every day...BUT, i am easily triggered

people get diagnosed because personality disorders are long-standing, pervasive patterns that impact many areas on your life...so, it's not only what is happening in the moment that is being considered.

that said, you may not have bpd either....but maybe it would be helpful to focus on the things overall that you have challenges with and want help with instead of focusing so intently on a diagnosis.

i know i've repeated it several times but i was in therapy for many years before getting a diagnosis and those many years helped me...despite not knowing that there was a label for what i was experiencing.

I don't know...exactly. I just feel kind of dead and emotionless and disassociated and unmotivated. Definitely not angry or anxious or "unstable" in any way like I sometimes do.

As far as "labels" go, I think these are important because I don't really have a good memory for what my challenges and behaviors are. A correct label would allow me to put things in a proper framework in order to know what to fix. Because often, everything is just a blur, and I may feel miserable but have no idea. Then, there are moments of clarity, but they don't last more than a day or so.

Is it that I don't have emotions at all like currently or is it that I have them and can't control them like I do sometimes?

It's hard to get help and figure out whether it's BPD or something else when you are basically a "shape shifter" like in the TV Show Fringe. That's what I feel like. A shape shifter that shifts shapes to avoid getting help and avoids being able to have issues stick around long enough to identify them. I'm sure I do have long-term issues. But from my perspective, everything just changes shapes. The whole landscape changes. It's like BPD one day, Asperger's the next, and just Schizoid/depression the next, like all my incorrect diagnoses are actually correct at different times. My thinking and perspective on myself and everything just changes all the time. So BPD may be correct some of the time, but maybe not all the time.

And it's like there's often a complete disconnect between my behaviors and thinking and emotions.

littlearcher wrote:have you ever tried journaling?

Sort of, yes. It picks up everything I just said. It is from this and other people telling me that I know I'm a "shape shifter" who is always troubled but meets different criteria at different times.