I want to save my relationship but BPD is DESTROYING it

ah okay so its with my boyfriend. So, one of the criterias for a BPD is "a fear of real or imagined abandonment", right? I SURE hope someone can understand where I'm coming from with this.

Im 25 and my boyfriend is 28. His whole life his family has bounced around. just over the past 10 years they purchased an RV and really went nuts with traveling. So traveling is HUGE for him. I met him 2 years ago when we were both in a study abroad program and we had classes together but on the weekends, he was bouncing all around europe.

Traveling has become a MAJOR issue for me with him. I got so angry one day i screamed at him and said traveling is like a vagina and if you could, you would f*ck it all day long! really stupid, i know but, you know how we all get when the anger swells up inside us. At least with me, once its rising, there is no way I'm getting off the Angry Train.

Anyways, last may, a year ago, he went to THAILAND for a month. Thailand, ugh i HATE even typing that word!! I hate seeing it, thinking about it all of that stuff. His mom who is crazy by the way wanted to reunite with a lover she hadn't seen in 35 years that she used to be married to. She is brain injured (ACTS AND LOOKS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON BY THE WAY) but can't do a few things such as fly alone. so not only did he have to go but of course, a traveling opportunity now why wouldn't he go?!

The mom is trying to marry him to this day. she has some legal issues of her own and the lawyers recommended she not to do it thailand. but like i said before she hadn't seen him in 35 yrs and found him on Facebook or something. talked to him for a few months straight and decided to go see him for as long as the visa permitted which was a month. BEFORE SHE HAD EVEN SEEN HIM, she was planning on marrying him out there! well since she has been advised to not do it out there, they are waiting for the months and months of trying to get him a visa to come over here to america.

This started the downfall of my relationship with my boyfriend. like i said he bounces around so he doesn't live in my state nor has he ever. i kept saying he was gonna go over there, fall in love with the country and never want to come back. or that he would find some thai girl within that month and fall in love with her (we weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend nor had we ever lived in the same state together at that point. since then we have lived together for 7 months straight but now we are again in separate states). None of those things happened but still to this day i have an EXTREMELY huge issue with thailand but i stopped bringing it up in like september.

but for months from like june to september we fought at LEAST once a week. real bad fights. he was living in my state, in my house and i threatened to kick him out at least 10 times.

I just started to really calm down in feb. but i still am not the best its a long process. but he is VERY burnt out nowadays and never has any responses to reassure my worries/insecurities. he will either say "i don't know" "ok" or "i have nothing to say to that" which obviously makes me VERY angry.

i don't know what to do. i started DBT classes 2 weeks ago but i know its going to take a few weeks til i really start learning tips and tools. my friends are COMPLETELY burnt out about the situation and aren't of help anymore either.

its all up to me now, but I'm empty handed. i want to save the relationship but its really at its end. can someone help me please?

-- Mon Apr 29, 2013 5:43 pm --

sorry clarification...

i said he has never lived in my state. a month after thailand he came to live with me from june to november. but before that he had never lived in my state is what i meant!

My relationship is long distance, so I completely get what you mean being worried about them finding someone else...and even though logic might not agree the thought is very scary. And I also hate him going anywhere without me...so again I can completely understand. All I can recommend is what works for me. try to understand that the fears that you are feeling are not going to happen. That's more than difficult, I won't lie about that. However, trying to understand that he is with you for a reason, and that reason is that he loves you. You matter to him, not some random person he is going to meet up there.

The other thing that I still struggle with, but learned is probably better to do, is to try and keep something quiet unless you feel it has become a huge problem and you really need to let it out. Jealousy is my strong one here, as is him being gone (especially if it's with another person). But try to keep it inside if it's possible, or bring it up that it's on your mind, but DO NOT let it escalate to a full scale problem.

Also, some things that help me control my rage is just shutting up for a moment. Try and breathe, calm down enough to think about what you're about to say. It's hard when you're angry, but as long as there is understanding then it does help.

Also, if you really want to rant, coming here does help a lot. Just rant and let it all out,, because everyone here does understand.

Try to stay calm, I do believe that you will be able to get through this. Just keep fighting and be strong.

Well first you have to determine if you are willing to put up with that...cuz youre not going to change him

and if you are..

Things that have helped me are


since I have huge abandonment fears as well..


If he could do something everyday while hes away..write a letter, skype whatever..For me even 5 minutes of acknowledgement makes me feel connnected

and for you to take a time out when youre at that rage state because we as BPDs-rage is our mo


Do some of your DBT skills to calm down..distract, self soothe... and do it without his presence..


I am training myself to take time outs and it has worked tremendously..I may take a time out..rage out and scream or hit a pillow..but the point is..I dont do it to the other person..The problem lies in is he willing to leave you alone during this time? My ex wouldnt and he wondered why I raged the ###$ out..WELL DUH DERP..go ahead and poke the proverbial bear


After that I can talk..


If you can tell him to give you a little slack while youre new to DBT, I think youre going to find that DBT is going to help your relationship quite a bit

msangeedepp wrote:Well first you have to determine if you are willing to put up with that...cuz youre not going to change him

and if you are..

Things that have helped me are


since I have huge abandonment fears as well..


If he could do something everyday while hes away..write a letter, skype whatever..For me even 5 minutes of acknowledgement makes me feel connnected

and for you to take a time out when youre at that rage state because we as BPDs-rage is our mo


Do some of your DBT skills to calm down..distract, self soothe... and do it without his presence..


I am training myself to take time outs and it has worked tremendously..I may take a time out..rage out and scream or hit a pillow..but the point is..I dont do it to the other person..The problem lies in is he willing to leave you alone during this time? My ex wouldnt and he wondered why I raged the ###$ out..WELL DUH DERP..go ahead and poke the proverbial bear


After that I can talk..


If you can tell him to give you a little slack while youre new to DBT, I think youre going to find that DBT is going to help your relationship quite a bit

I WISH 5 mins of acknowledgement was enough for me. But i think after living with him for 7 months and its been about a month so far of no longer living with him, its been tough. plus its completely up in the air ! he doesn't know where he is going next. we are TRYING to take it day by day and i LIVE in the imaginary future that I've made up! I'm always thinking in the future. day by day is so hard!
how long in to DBT does it take til you start working on relationship factors? I'm so inpatient. i need something NOW, TODAY! he is at the end of his rope here with me.

Well 5 mins is just an example..


It may take a while for you to cycle to interpersonal effectiveness but even just using the distress tolerance skills will help your relationship almost immediately

-- Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:01 pm --

You really should have a chat with him and say hey..please cut me some slack..


I started DBT, Im going to try hard but it wont happen over night..As long as IM trying, please be patient

he eventually replied back with "I'm sorry too. sorry I'm not much help and don't listen well anymore"

like one of you said on here, I'm going to say hey bear with me for now while i get the DBT classes going. but i really do think I'm on my own with all this. I don't think i can go to him for much.

which is just overwhelming to me because like i said, i don't have many skills right now.

My therapist did recommend the book don't let emotions run your life a DBT workbook. i picked it up a year ago and put it down. i think ill take it out today and give it a look.

Take BPD symptoms and struggles out of your dilemma/post and the story would read as a tale of two very different people, with different priorities who want different things out of life. Those types of relationships often come with a short lifespan because they are so polar opposite of each other that compromise tends to be difficult, if even possible.

I very well may be making some assumptions, but it seems as though he was this way when you met him, you idealized him despite knowing all these things (thanks BPD!) and that idealization has you, as you stated, looking ahead to this fantasy future you have imagined with him - a future that is incredibly different than the reality of right now.

What I read comes across as you trying to "wait it out" and get yourself in a healthier place so that it is easier for you to do that. What I am not reading is someone who is communicating their legitimate needs (time together/investment in building the relationship) to a person they are involved with. None of us could truly comment on him because if you haven't accurately communicated those needs directly, how would anyone know if or how he might respond? Perhaps he'd make efforts to meet those needs? Perhaps he'd continue focusing more on living his life? Nobody know and nobody will know if it's never discussed.

I realize that BPD makes relationships difficult. Having been in one and seeing how hard both of us worked to make it as healthy as it can be, I know that it's still challenging and that the disorder can and does creep up to sabotage things. There are plenty of posts about that problem where it seems like it's two people who genuinely do care and are on the same page and it's not working well. Your story, sadly, is people on different pages. You really should consider reading your page to him and seeing if you can both come together on how to make it work. Otherwise, I feel like you're blaming yourself and this disorder for problems in a relationship that would be problematic for someone who didn't have BPD.

Empathy201 wrote:Take BPD symptoms and struggles out of your dilemma/post and the story would read as a tale of two very different people, with different priorities who want different things out of life. Those types of relationships often come with a short lifespan because they are so polar opposite of each other that compromise tends to be difficult, if even possible.

I very well may be making some assumptions, but it seems as though he was this way when you met him, you idealized him despite knowing all these things (thanks BPD!) and that idealization has you, as you stated, looking ahead to this fantasy future you have imagined with him - a future that is incredibly different than the reality of right now.

What I read comes across as you trying to "wait it out" and get yourself in a healthier place so that it is easier for you to do that. What I am not reading is someone who is communicating their legitimate needs (time together/investment in building the relationship) to a person they are involved with. None of us could truly comment on him because if you haven't accurately communicated those needs directly, how would anyone know if or how he might respond? Perhaps he'd make efforts to meet those needs? Perhaps he'd continue focusing more on living his life? Nobody know and nobody will know if it's never discussed.

I realize that BPD makes relationships difficult. Having been in one and seeing how hard both of us worked to make it as healthy as it can be, I know that it's still challenging and that the disorder can and does creep up to sabotage things. There are plenty of posts about that problem where it seems like it's two people who genuinely do care and are on the same page and it's not working well. Your story, sadly, is people on different pages. You really should consider reading your page to him and seeing if you can both come together on how to make it work. Otherwise, I feel like you're blaming yourself and this disorder for problems in a relationship that would be problematic for someone who didn't have BPD.

This response that you wrote is extremely painful for me cause much of this is the truth. he knows what i want. he knows that I'm needy. he just doesn't know what HE wants. he doesn't know if he is ready to settle down in a relationship. he said a few weeks ago that he still wanted to do his own things for a few more years THEN settle down.

my therapist says there are TWO problems. my insecurities and worries/anxiety and HIS problems: not being able to settle down. he is 28 and never had a girlfriend, first kiss, nothing. i was his first EVERYTHING.

-- Tue Apr 30, 2013 1:17 am --

basically what I meant is that he's never been in a relationship. this is a new thing for him. he's never had a girl to add to the picture to make him really think things through.

he has ALWAYS been a nomad AND a loner. thats all he knows of.

now I'm in his life. and i feel like deep down he still wants to travel. but he says he's confused.
i don't know.

well I was referring to the fact while that you probably cant go to, you can tell him..I still maybe triggered because I am new to the whole DBT thing..please give it some time

You know what I found so great about DBT?

You usually get a DBT therapist that you can call for phone coaching and we had a DBT hotline..


helped a lot..more than actually talking to my SO