Borderline & my relationship with my mother

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone here has any role in developing BPD? I was diagnosed with bipolar I and an "unspecified personality disorder" - though noted how reactive I am to the environment and had a history of invalidation - so I'm not sure if it's bipolar or BPD. Whatever it is, it has left me incapable of doing anything. I daydream constantly and forget about real life (hell, I'm supposed to be studying for finals right now), and can't take my life into my own hands. Though I am looking at the way I was raised and I'm thinking about some things at my house that were a little odd... I really need some thoughts on this, because if I try to confront my mother, it won't work.

Until my sister and I were about 8 and 6 years old, my mother encouraged, almost insisted that me and my sister sleep with her every night. She went to bed around 8, drunk, while my dad was either sitting downstairs watching TV or out doing god knows what. I have never thought she sexually abused me, but I have to realize now that it may have been a possibility. We would be fast asleep by the time my dad came to bed and put us in our rooms, probably around 11 or 12. My mom said this was her time to spend with us since she could never do it otherwise - this time was spent going to work to support us (including my dad, who spent everything he earned and stopped working at age 57 when no one would hire someone so "overqualified"). Then she'd come home and drink it all away. She was constantly miserable, and her needs had to come first... I guess that was the problem.

The other thing is that my mom raised my sister as a single mother, so she did the same thing. I understand in that case. I think, though, that because I was the only male child, it extended a little too far (emotionally, not physically) where I ended up being not only too feminine, but slowed down my development. I have had "maladaptive daydreaing" since I was about 6. I'm a very dependent person in every sense, though I (ironically) need to be alone most of the time. My mental health history is nuts... I just feel like I wouldn't have been this way otherwise.

I realize now, though, how little my mom cared about me when she was sober and not next to me in bed. She would talk about how my dad upset her, and I'd feel like I had to comfort her. She convinced me that everyone was cruel, that this world was evil, and did MANY things to prevent me from getting me out there. She always blamed it on me, too, when I know it couldn't have been my fault.

I just don't understand what's acceptable and what's not in the way you treat your kids. When is making fun of them too cruel? What constitutes as physical abuse? What's the best way to spend time with them? How do you know you're not screwing them up? And do they in turn develop borderline, due to the lack of family boundaries and personal respect? Please, let me know.

I was thinking about stuff like this, too. Family relations when are they ok, and when do they turn sour? I found that attachment theory does give some clues about what one or another way of raising your child can eventually cause to you in your adulthood. You should look into.
E.g. people with borderline are said to have developed insecure forms of attachment in childhood.

My story was, just so that you can compare: My mother and father worked a lot (blue-collar jobs), and we lived in a tiny appartment, they left me alone alot. Even going to sleep, I went to sleep and woke up alone (with 8 years of age). I had to learn a lot of stuff much earlier than my peers, especially things to care for myself, like going to school or basically everything important, cooking, washing clothes, all that everyday stuff. When I had some sort of public performance my parents never went there, since they worked or were too tired. Sometimes when they say that they'd pick me up, I had to wait for an hour or two when everybody else was already gone. They also partly neglected me even more since my brother was chronically sick. My father also drank often alcohol, everyday basically, but getting drunk, maybe once every week or every two weeks. Nonetheless, once or two times a month, he'll have terrible anger outbursts and we couldn't go to sleep then. And so on....etc.

I definitely see how such stories like yours or mine could have an impact on our development. As I said, read about attachment. Then it may get clearer, what's acceptable and what not. I wasn't sure a long time, either. I thought my childhood was ok and even good but reflecting and reading on all this, I have a better understanding of it.

That's really the hard part, isn't it? I thought things were okay as a kid, but the more I realized HOW differently everyone else thought from me (and my family), I started to realize how messed up they actually were. I guess I just kind of got upset because my therapist didn't think this was a problem. Even then, I knew something wasn't right, I just couldn't put my finger on it...

I can relate to your story a lot. There's one big difference though - my mother has tried to get me to be completely dependent on her. It's become even more apparent there's a problem now though because my parents are both unable to support themselves financially (long story) and ignores me when I talk about work, saying I don't have a "real job" because I don't make enough money, that I can't afford to do anything without financial aid... and then semi-apologizes, saying it's because she can't deal with not being able to support me. I've told her to only focus on herself (and not me, and to stop giving money to my dad only so she can play the martyr when he spends it) but it's like she refuses to listen.

I guess the conclusion I've come to with my mom is that I will always care about her, be worried about her... but won't be able to love her in the way you are supposed to love your mother.