Living with BPD

I've just discovered this website and I'm really glad I did.

I don't really know anyone else who suffers with BPD so I don't really talk to anyone much about it.

Recently, since the end of a relationship things have been really bad. I'm sure everyone who suffers with BPD knows what I'm talking about, as we don't deal with break ups very well. I've not been coping especially as my ex is now dating one of my 'friends'. This ex has also ruined what ever tiny bit of self confidence I've had and I can't really cope with all the emotions I'm feeling. They are so strong.

I have an impulsive drug taking problem, I don't take drugs every day or weekend but when I do I go overboard as an escape. I'm also like that with drinking. The other night I was on a really bad drug come down and started feeling suicidal, I cut both my wrists closer to the jugular than I have ever done before and was hospitalised. Not only have I hurt myself, but I have hurt my friends and family who are deeply worried about me and I feel like a burden. I am waiting to be referred back for therapy and I've been told to restart citalopram again ( as I have stopped taking it ) but I still feel terrible.

Does anyone else have these urges to do things? Really strong urges that are hard to suppress? Mine are to self harm, commit suicide, take drugs, drink, binge eat or not eat at all. Sometimes it's to say really horrible and hurtful things to people that I regret after.

Every little bad thing that happens makes me want to die. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for when they feel like this? Because I've tried so many things and none of it helps. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control and that I won't live out the year. Ive been like this for 10 years (puberty) and I'm tired.

Those things are very common. The urges are basically impulsive coping mechanisms that you've learned over time. Whether someone has BPD or not, an unhealthy coping mechanism typically has negative consequences attached to it (you've commented about some related to your situation) but it become a difficult and frustrating pattern to break because while we know they have bad consequences, doing them has repeatedly offered a short-term positive reinforcement (such as temporarily relieving the emotional distress) and when that feels like your only option to help the situation, it's understandable that those mechanisms are used.

My ex was a fantastic swimmer. I however, cannot swim. I once joked that I would have to steal any float toys away from any children if we were to go into a deep pool together. Now, if I did that, the floating devices would be my way of coping with the danger/fear involved with me being in deep water. Children might cry because they want the 'toy' I'm using but it wouldn't be a toy to me, I'd be using it out of necessity. I would feel bad because it was upsetting the children and I'd feel bad because I wouldn't know what else to do. if I knew how to swim, I wouldn't need to do that; but I never learned how to.

With BPD, a lot of the healthy coping and distress tolerance skills that other people may have were never learned by the person who suffers with the disorder. You may hear people comment that emotional development halts or gets stunted after a traumatic event. Quite a few of the treatment options for BPD, PTSD or emotional-related issues involve teaching new skills that will help provide the same positive reinforcement of the old unhealthy ones (e.g., making you feel better/making it tolerable) while eliminating the negative consequences.

I'm sure there are some folks with the disorder who will chime in and offer you additional (and perhaps better) support than I am. I just didn't want you waiting for a reply and feeling like nobody cared.

If you Google "DBT Distress Tolerance", the first couple of results will provide you with various methods you can try that hopefully aid with self-soothing.

Thank you so much for your reply and for taking the time.
All of what you have said does make a lot of sense, especially about the swimming idea. That is exactly what I do!
It's reassuring to know that it's common... Because I feel like I'm alone in this and I feel helpless against the urges I get. No one around me seems to understand and I can't explain.

I haven't come across DBT before? I'm definitely going to google it and read up.

Thanks again

DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is currently one of the most promising (and most researched) treatments for emotional disorders. And you're very welcome for the reply. It was nice to see your ' '

Hello everyone,

My name is Amy and I am a new registered user of this forum. I am so glad I found it!! I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I have lost too many friendships to count because of my inability to respect boundaries.

I just lost the last 2 of my friends within the past couple of days. Usually it is quite devastating but I think that I was expecting it so it didn't hurt so much as I thought. Does that sound bad? I wish there was some medicine or something I could take to cure or treat it but unfortunately there isn't.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am so tired of being called manipulative and being told to "grow up".

I have been through DBT for about a year and a half. I have learned a lot but I am not sure why I cannot seem to be disciplined enough to use the skills I learned. I stopped therapy with my personal therapist because of money and because I didn't feel she had anything else that she could tell me. I feel like now it is up to me.

I have taken a good hard look at my behaviors and realize that I have totally disrespected other people's wishes. I feel really bad about it and I really hope I can learn a lesson from it.

I have started going to NAMI meetings but I know my therapist doesn't really like them too much because when I talk about my problems, I just feel worse. Has anyone else experienced this? I think she has a point but I am so used to talking about my problems it is a hard habit to break.

Anyway, glad to be here and meet other people who have BPD. It is a tough diagnoses but I hope I can overcome my bad behaviors.

Thanks for letting me post.

Amy

Hey Welcome!

I also just signed up to this website today and I too, am glad I found this site!

I am just like you! I broke up with my boyfriend a week and a half ago. I broke up with HIM and the next day i was saying it was a mistake and he wouldn't have it. the next day, he was real sad and didn't know what to do about us. so for the next few days he was confused about what to do about us but we were still broken up. last monday, the boston marathon bombings bothered me a ton since I'm from massachusetts and boston is my city i love it so much. and he lives out of state and commented about it once he found out but didn't say the right words to me.

So i got impulsive and bought a bottle of vodka and got drunk that night. i was cutting real bad and skyped him and we argued. he found out i was drunk and wouldn't Skype me for a few hours til i sobered up. i kept texting him and threatening him to talk to me that moment or else i would tell people things he told me in secret. i was very evil and manipulative. when he eventually did Skype me, it ended very badly and i felt like a child throwing a temper tantrum. i was screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding my fists into my legs, cutting more and it just felt like a gut-wrenching emotion taking over me.

things have calmed down and we are back together now. but while we were broken up, i was thinking of other guys i could talk to. I've ALWAYS had another guy to go after if things ended with someone.

being a BPD, we are all about being impulsive. drugs, alcohol, sex, cutting, these are all normal coping skills to a borderline.

The responses you've received so far are accurate. DBT so far has been the most successful type of treatment in helping a borderline. Ive started it and it helps with anxiety. its also comforting to me to meet new people in class that are just like me.

it will help you decrease the intensity of your emotions. focus on the present and what is happening. allow yourself to feel the emotion but not let it take hold of you.

If you aren't ready to sign up for a DBT class yet, you can check out the book "Don't let your emotions run your life" my therapist recommended it to me. its a workbook that uses DBT.

im not too motivated and am good at picking up something but not finishing it so i haven't completed this book. bought it almost a year ago.

hope i helped

Hi guys!

Wow, I can completely relate to both of your posts!

Firstly, noreally_imfine that's exactly what happened to me, I broke up with him 2 months ago and bitterly regret it. He wouldn't take me back no matter what I did. And usually, I get over things by getting with someone else. I don't know what's happened to me recently but I'm avoiding all kinds of intimacy right now. Which is so weird for me. I've been on a couple of dates and stuff but I don't know!
I also made threats to my ex boyfriend , I insulted him, read his facebook messages and called him up drunk and yelled abuse. I feel really ashamed about it, but now he just labels me as 'crazy' to everyone.
Is good you guys are back together though, it's just hard with the emotions we feel sometimes.

Amy, I'm really sorry you've lost your friends. I know how that feels, I've pushed a lot of people away. Ive only really had one close friend my whole life because she is the only person that understand as she has suffered with mental health issues herself.
I get called manipulative all the time and childish. It infuriates me more, it's just we don't know how to respond to things. We feel things so strongly and deeply that it takes over us.

I'm really glad there's this website. I am going to look into DBT as it seems to me helping everyone? I've only ever had CBT. (Cognitive behaviour therapy) I don't think that's the same thing. I will talk to my psychologist about it.

Thanks for posting replies to my post, it's comforting to know I'm not alone out there x

<3

Misskxo: if you're avoiding all kinds of intimacy, it could be part of the all or nothing thinking us borderlines do. its like have it all or have none of it, you know?

I FEARED THAT SO MUCH!!! That when we broke up and at first he wasn't taking me back, that he would always remember me as the "crazy" ex-girlfriend. so when we were broken up for those few days i wrote him a fb message apologizing for my irrational behavior telling him i hoped he didn't feel that way and that a lot sparks from my disorder. he understood and said at the time he would never refer to me as the crazy ex girlfriend.

i broke up with him on a thursday, then by that saturday when he was first confused and lost and didn't know what to do i said please read this book. its called Stop Walking On Eggshells. taking your life back when you care for someone with BPD. he has started reading it but has been having a lot going on with his life so I'm not sure how far he has gotten into the book.

but whether we stay together for a while or a new guy comes into my life and i get really close to him, Im starting to think I'm gonna want boyfriends who I'm serious with to read this. maybe to prepare?

then again, i am hoping right now, i am on the road to recovery. i can't deal with it anymore. i HATE being alone and love being in a relationship and intimate with a guy that I'm sick of this disorder taking over and RIPPING APART relationships.

my boyfriend used to be great. very patient and not much bothered him. but I've emotionally abused him and fought with him constantly for months and he's really hung in there for quite some time. just recently, he's really at the end of his rope so I'm really trying to behave now.

my therapist told me usually what we feel IS NORMAL its just too intense, too extreme.

i know not all my feelings aren't normal though.

but yes, my first ex boyfriend I believe looks back at me and thinks I'm crazy. its totally NOT true. we aren't crazy. we have a disorder.

I hate being alone too. That's why I feel like I'm having a breakdown right now, all I keep imagining is my ex with this old friend of mine. The worst thing is, is that I had an abortion just after we broke up but he thought I lied about it to manipulate him. I feel so alone and miserable. No matter how I tried to convince him, by showing him the preganancy test, he didn't believe me. He thought I stole the pregnancy test off someone else. ( I don't know anyone who's pregnant, AND I WOULDNT DO THAT??) He stopped replying to my texts about 3 weeks ago now.... He won't ever talk to me again. I feel abandonned, I knew this guy for about 7 years... Since I was really young.

I feel like I probably pushed him away with my moods, jealousy and emotional abuse. He knew about my BPD, but unlike your boyfriend who was willing to read the book on BPD he would not read up on anything about it. He said he would rather not know about my condition, I have no idea why. He could at least acknowledge my existence and stop denying what really happened.

I know my feelings aren't normal or rational. But they are so strong it feels almost damn near impossible to ignore them

Thanks for replying,

I want to be single as well for now until I can cope with relationships. I'm sick of the emotional pain/crisis normal relationships put me through. I re act so badly to break ups... I do/say some terrible stuff sometimes. I know it's hard to not feel ashamed but I do so much. I just texted him again and now regret it as I'm really not going to get a response. My college work is suffering really badly from this.

Wow, you've only just been diagnosed and you seem really level headed about it all. Well done I was diagnosed when I was 18 (4 years ago) and I wish I was at your stage.

But thanks for your kind words <3 much appreciated