Recent BPD/Bipolar Afraid of World

Well I am sure the annals of this forum are filled with "BPD coming out" stories; I will try to make the finer points bullet-ed as walls of texts are intimidating on the eyes.

• I'm 26 (almost 27), gay, black, and dual diagnosed with BPD/Bipolar
• I have had very frequent hospitalizations since 17 that stopped after a major psychotic break 2 years ago
• Since then, I have introspected and have become considerably less aggressive (I was never this very much, but I had some inclinations). I would say that I have realized my disorders are no else's fault, but my actions are entirely that of my own. Loosing all friends in the incident was a wake-up as well.
• Despite this, I was able to complete school without any accommodations/work part-time
• I am now (at least until something really egregious happends) pretty kind. caring, and helpful.
• When something egregious does happen, I do have paranoia etc; however, this takes a lot.
• I was a graduate student, studying computer science; however, I left this semester because my thinking, processing, attachment to reality, etc has waned (partially due to medications).
• For anyone into MBTI/Socionics/Enneagram (it's a notch above zodiac IMO): I'm a INTJ ILI-Ni 4w5 sp/sx

At this juncture, I have come to the conclusion that my issues are really not the fault of others. This implicates only myself, and as such, when I seek remediation, I tend towards severe isolation. While I have made strides in becoming more socially adept, I now assume the role of a hermit. For the last (almost 2 months) after my leave from Grad School, I have honestly done nothing aside from consider suicide and escape to land of fantasy, leaving behind bodily and social obligation--this is in high contrast to my normal progressive self to a more dejected existence.


I say this not as a means of attention seeking--rather I believe it to be my sole responsibility to not impose perils on others. As such, I have relegated myself to online talk, as internet denizens are more able to switch to youtube or another venue to enliven their spirits.

I am not seeing the point anymore, however. I am seriously considering the end, as not some melodramatic ploy for acceptance--but as to allay both my suffering and the burden I place on others.
I am not very internally stable. I don't have a facebook etc because I find the way I look insufferable; as a result, I do not take pictures. I do not date as I don't want to burden others. My insular life seems to be quite stable yet unhealthy.

However, I don't know if mitigation is possible. I have tried many a therapies/drugs, and from my family history, the illnesses(s) seem insidious. My grandmother, at 87, continues her 7 decade reign of psychiatric commitments, bitterness, and anger. The only difference is she seems oblivious to the hurt she causes others, whereas, as of about 2-3 years ago, I have become hyperaware and diligent.

The lack of idendity, pain, intermittent psychoses has cost myself and the US enough IMO. While people consider me 'smart' and 'strong' in my capabilities and strides despite my issues, I cannot fathom decades of this.

You're definitely not alone, I promise. I too have isolated myself for the same reason, and honestly find it much better than being around people all of the time. Therapy and meds didn't work for me either, so now I'm trying to change myself by myself. It's hard, but possible. And the fact that you're so aware is good too. It'll make the process a little easier.

The fact that you want to get better will help you. However, I want you to try to keep yourself safe and functioning as best you can. I can honestly say that I'm guilty of not showering very much anymore, and just finishing anything seems like a challenge now.

As I said, you are not alone, and perhaps just being here will help you. I know it helps me feeling like there is others who (unfortunately) can understand.