New. Is this just me? Don't know if may trigger? Sorry x

I really hope this is ok. I just really need to know if other people get this. I feel like no one will understand the way I am sometimes. Is this just me or do other people feel similar things to this.

The only place I usually write is a private blog where I just get stuff down and the following was just something I wrote last night.

Dnt even know where to start. Always gotta have a purpose, a meaning. Maybe this covers up the nothing that I am inside without them. I dnt know.
If the ‘me’ that develops from these purposes goes along with it then I’m left with the nothing again. Who am I? All my past identity is gone and I’m back to the fear of who am I?
Goes from food, dieting, making myself throw up, hurting myself, wine, sex, any way to be needed without the risk of getting too emotionally attached….I dnt know…..)
When I was off work I was surrounded by ppl, maybe that distracted me or maybe it filled the emptiness. Now I’m back I’m here nite after nite with nothing. But it’s ok because I had something. My drink is always there and my Internet friends are always just at the other end of the screen, and if they’re not then it’s ok because one click and there’s someone else who wants me, needs me, picked me ova how many other people? So I have a purpose, I’m wanted, I’m special and chosen above another person. Maybe it’s not me they want, it’s my persona but maybe that is me!! Just the one of many me’s even tho I’m actually none of these! Fuk I’m so confused.
My phases, obsessions define me and if one goes then I’m back to who the fuk am I and desperately trying to find a new meaning and when I do it feels so good, I don’t want to do anything else, it’s everything to me. It is me!
These past few weeks I’ve felt fulfilled till like everything else I need more and more until it gets to what I can’t have.
The latest obsession. Text sex, cyber sex, phone sex, cam sex…..anything to make me feel that high, that sense of being alive. But maybe that’s not enough. I want someone to want ME! But how can that happen when I don’t even know who me is. I may decide I actually want to be a different person, I may transform back into someone else and then what….if I don’t understand me how can I expect anyone else to. And how can I ever know if what I want now is what I really want.
How r other people lots of different people at once and mine can never come together as one.
One little comment, one little judgement can make me question all I am and who I am.
Maybe drinking all nite and having meaningless ‘relationships’ makes me feel used but at least it’s fun at the time. At least it’s better than this emptiness. It gives me a reason.
###$ this I’m gna get a glass of wine!

Guess its just me then

No, it's not. I'm that way too. I don't know how I am, or what I am, or what I'm supposed to do in life. I feel I exist without existing, if that makes sense. I struggle every day with my identity. Sometimes I feel like I know it! I've finally found it! But when that "finding" (aka, the thing I "was") is gone, and I'm alone...I'm back to the fear and emptiness and not really existing while I'm existing crap.

While I can't offer any advice, I can tell you that you aren't alone, and that I do understand. I hope that can be some comfort.

Thanku for replying. This is the first time that I feel I can really come out with all this and it is (nice?) to know its not just me that feels these things although I hate the fact that other people have to .
So many things I go to plan or think I want but (especially when it comes to other people, In particular if I like someone or want something) I back out because I can never trust that who I am or want today ill be or want tomorrow. I seem to be better with things like work but when it comes to love / (infatuation) /sex stuff I'm screwed! X

Neither of you 2 are alone. So much of that is the same for me. Not all, but a lot. I felt the same way when I found this place, it was like I can finally speak freely, the mask is off and I could also come out. I also struggle every day like you both do, like everyone here does.

This place is a really nice release, a place where we can be understood and helped by people who truly understand. Also, I feel like you. I hate that anyone else has to suffer through what I have to. I never experienced crushes or anything in that field...I've been asexual most of my life. Actually, funny enough, I'm going through a switch in that area again.

I'm also now at the point where I don't know what I enjoy doing. I used to be good at school, I used to want to go to college, but that desire is completely, 100% gone. Just like that. It sucks, and it's confusing.

While I wish I had advice, or something, I can only offer the feeling of being understood. I'm sorry

I wish I had advice, or something, I can only offer the feeling of being understood. I'm sorry

many of us wait almost a life time to hear words we know are finally being said with truth, "I understand" I have shrinks for advice, do they really understand? I don't know actually

Thanku both x

I can't even say I struggle 'every day' sometimes (stable times) I even deny I have this problem but it never lasts. Even when I'm ok there's always some way of coping which is never healthy but when I'm good I think it's not a problem

To feel other people 'get it' and understand helps more than any advice could. That's what has helped so much the last few nights, I can go to friends for 'advice' (even tho they don't know everything, but enough. It's just knowing other people understand which helps with that feeling of being isolated with these thoughts and feelings (if that makes sense).

Aliveatnight -I love that name that's exactly how I feel. I could sleep all day when I'm at work and when I get home but as soon as the nite comes I get a release of energy and I'm up half the night. I think the sex stuff must be part of this. I'm the opposite to being asexual...at the moment sex seems to be my current (obsession?) ....goes from one thing to another!
I've agreed to meet people I've met online but then the other me kicks in and I totally backtrack, getting pissed off with the people I've been talking to which probably totally confuses them! This is why I can never trust myself because what I want one day is totally different to the next and if I don't understand myself how can I expect anyone else to.

Xx

You both are right about it being nice just having others get it. I'm glad I can do that at least!

Night is the safest time of day. There's just less everything going on, and I really like that. I also tend to be more able to "release" my emotions at night, and really just let everything out.
I could say my sexuality (I don't even know what I am anymore ) and Pokemon Emerald are my current two. I don't want to do anything but understand it and to get lost in that game. Everything else seems completely blah. I really don't get it!

I wonder if you are similar to me. You say the things you want change daily. Tell me if this happens to you: do your emotions almost seem to reset themselves the next morning? Like, every day, everything I feel is like a brand new feeling. If I go to bed angry at a person, I can wake up happy with them, and then remember what they did and experience it like it just happened all over again. Sound like you at all?

Hiya Hun, god yea I'm more myself at night lol. I'm not sure totally what u mean...I mean my emotions can be totally different one day to the next and I can be really down one day and wake up totally different. When it comes to other people depending on what I am feeling ill totally reinterpret them. Dnt know if that's what u mean?
Emotionally wise it's like yesterday I've gone further up and up until today I feel so high, so much energy and nothing is enough, keep having to go back what I've typed coz I'm even typing so fast all the words r goin into one but I dnt know if that's a borderline feeling or whether coz I have a mild bipolar too so never quite sure what's what sometimes lol ....sometimes I read what I've written and its like that's not even me but then I go back and it is. I'm like 100 separate people that will never come together as one person...weird lol xx