spiralling out of control

I haven't slept all night. I've had a huge fight with my boyfriend. He told me he's been feeling 'differently' about our relationship. He doesn't know what it is, it's just 'different.' He stayed at his mums last night and after an hour conversation on the phone last night trying to understand what's wrong I feel like i'm losing it. I text him after the conversation saying 'I love you so much and we've been through a lot of $#%^ and no matter what i want us to work'. No reply. I started having a panic attack and tried calling him a couple of times. No answer. I text him again saying I was freaking out. No reply. Still nothing this morning. I have my little sister here at the moment. As soon as she goes to school in an hour I know I'm going to cut myself or take some pills. I've been trying all night not to do anything but I can't deal with this. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm being ignored because i'm not worth a response. He obviously doesn't love me. He's going to spend all day thinking about our relationship and then he's going to end it. He said he's not going to break up with me but he gets angry that I don't listen to the words he says and make up my own scenarios in my head. I don't believe him. He doesn't want to be with me. I'm worried about what i'm going to do.

Thanks for the reply
So I've heard from him but it was far from reassuring. I've cut myself really badly and I have to go get stitches now. Now i'm completely furious with him for making me feel this way. ###$ I need to sort my head out. How do 'normal' people cope with these situations!? I don't understand how to feel any other way. HDEKFJKDFKJDFUREFHJRJFRJFJR arrrgh! Sorry i'm being an inconherent idiot. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so sick of this constant battle. It's exhausting.

hi littlearcher, thank you for caring, i really appreciate it.

Well he came home from work last night and basically told me he wanted 'a break'. I was a hysterical mess for hours. I couldn't stop shaking and pacing around and I cried non stop for 7 hours. I didn't even know that was possible.He told me he can't cope with the way I react. I really don't blame him but I just can't help it.

He went to bed and left me up crying by myself and I ended up ODing on paracetamol. When he woke up and realised what I was doing (he knew how I was feeling when he left me to go to bed but said that nothing he could say or do would stop me doing something if I wanted to) he basically wrestled the rest of the tablets off of me. My best friend knew I was in a state and turned up at my door at 2 this morning and drove me to A&E.

I had my bloods done twice and the levels were high so they kept me in. I just wanted to go home but they told me they would get the police involved if I tried to leave which freaked me out a lot. I eventually saw the psych liason at 9 this morning who unfortunatly was the same one I saw yesterday when I cut myself. I told him I was fine and wanted to go home and he said 'well, you said exactly the same thing to me 24 hours ago and look where you've ended up.' But by this point i'd practically been begging my boyfriend via text to give us another chance and let me prove I can get better. He's agreed for now. So I was feeling a bit less mental. I just wanted to go but he was threatening to section me if I tried to leave. I spoke to him for ages and managed to convince him I'm okay so now I'm home again. I haven't slept in 35 hours and i'm exhausted but I just can't relax.

I'm waitin for my boyfriend to get home from work and I'm so worried that something's going to be said that's going to trigger all this stuff off again. I'm on a tightrope at the moment and i'm really trying not to fall off. The psych guy said next time he sees me at the hospital he's not going to let me leave so even if I do end up going crazy again like hell am I going back there.

I'm just a mess at the moment. I hate who I am and how I behave. I ###$ everything up. I just want my boyfriend to love me enough to want to be with me. He said he loves me and he can't imagine his life without me in it and he was crying a lot last night (which I think i've seen him do about 3 times in 6 years. He's not emotional at all) which made me feel awful. I just don't know what to think. Sorry for the essay I just had to get it all out.

Thank you so much littlearcher. I'm such an emotional wreck atm your comment made me cry

After a lot of talking i've basically come to realise that my boyfriend is finding my illness very difficult to deal with at the moment. He hasn't expressed just how hard he is finding things until now and has let it all build up inside until he came to the whole 'break' conclusion. I told him that I just couldn't cope with a break. It's all or nothing. I know that sounds selfish but there is no way I could physically spend every day we'd be apart in the mess I was in this week. Because I KNOW that is what would happen.

He's said he wants us to try properly to make things work. To compromise and listen and talk (all those things real grown ups do) and not argue, but he doesn't know if he'd be able to handle me ending up in hospital again. I told him that I am really, really going to try to get myself better. I just feel under a lot of pressure now like 'get better or we're finished' I'm so angry that i've just been left without therapy for months too. I'm not getting ANY help at the moment and I can't do this by myself. I've given him some books to read so he knows that it really isn't always about him when I end up a hysterical mess

Anyway, that you so much for your concern littlearcher. I'm okay(ish) at the moment. Just going to become a recluse for a while and avoid anything that's going to trigger me off. <3

You're very lucky Ophelia, I've been in a similar situation recently but the outcome for me wasn't the same.. Though he did care for me and wants me to "get better", but it's too late for me..

All I can ask you is to try to be calm and try not to push him too far. Do you have other things in your life that can distract you? Other people around? Immerse yourself in that part of your life.. Try not to think or worry about what he's doing so much. x

Hevski wrote:You're very lucky Ophelia, I've been in a similar situation recently but the outcome for me wasn't the same.. Though he did care for me and wants me to "get better", but it's too late for me..

All I can ask you is to try to be calm and try not to push him too far. Do you have other things in your life that can distract you? Other people around? Immerse yourself in that part of your life.. Try not to think or worry about what he's doing so much. x

Thanks Hevski. You're right, I am lucky. He's put up with so much from me and it's like i'm too wrapped up in myself to see the real effects on him. I'm not oblivious and I know it hurts him to see me in pain but I never comprehended I could lose him because of it. I'm sorry the outcome was different for you. What do you mean by it's too late?

I'm trying to keep myself in check at the moment. He said a lot of things that really hurt me but they are all understandable and I know he didn't say them to hurt me, he was just trying to be honest. He was reluctant to give us another go because he thought I would throw this particular argument and him asking for a break back at him at some point in the future and we'd just be stuck in a cycle of the same arguments. I'm making a conscious effort to not do that.

I do have other things going on. I work (well, i'm off sick at the moment coz of the stitches, my job's pretty physical and I can't really go in like this) I have a couple of amazing friends and i'm kind of been in that whole 'trying out every single hobby in the world' phase for the past 6 months. (Painting, rollerskating, writing etc) so that's keeping my brain occuppied to some extent when I have the motivation for it.

I hate the fact that i'm so reliant on another person to keep me sane. If he left me I know I would be back in the same place I was in on Monday and that terrifies me more than anything. I just want some bloody therapy! I can't get better without any help. The NHS is $#%^.

I hope you're okay <3

The NHS, you're British?! I'm down in Manchester at the moment, but I don't live here anymore, well I don't live anywhere at the moment.. Just staying with a cousins friend.. I need to see someone, I feel, but I can't because I'm not living here.. I could try to I suppose.. I was living in Scotland and I'd like to move back up there.. My ex lives up there and everyone thinks I'd be moving back to be with him, but its more to do with me trying to be happy.. It's a very hard choice.. My friends and family are down here, but I don't feel like I have much of a connection with them, both my parents are dead and I am an only child, so it's very hard, I do feel like I have to face life alone anyway..

I don't think he loved me enough Ophelia, he didn't really fancy me enough.. I've let myself go a bit.. Because I was depressed and I isolated myself by moving to be with him.. He couldn't handle my depression and there was a lot of anger and arguments.. Plus there was not really any sexual connection, not his fault, I think I'm wired wrongly.. I also have PCOS, so sex can be painful.. He never said we might not ever get back together, but he can't see it and really I shouldn't go back.. But he likes so many of the same things, it's hard to think ill ever meet anyone else like that.. He dumped me because I wasn't happy and he felt like he couldn't make me happy. But he did many things that made me feel inferior and that he didn't want to be with me anyway..

I think if he left you, yes you might feel bad.. But I think being in relationships can make these things worse, I've been rejected quite a lot and haven't handled it so well.. It's really hard to have this BPD and be in relationships, but if you get therapy if will hopefully really help you.. Let me know how you get on and what happens!

Hevski wrote:The NHS, you're British?! I'm down in Manchester at the moment, but I don't live here anymore, well I don't live anywhere at the moment.. Just staying with a cousins friend.. I need to see someone, I feel, but I can't because I'm not living here.. I could try to I suppose.. I was living in Scotland and I'd like to move back up there.. My ex lives up there and everyone thinks I'd be moving back to be with him, but its more to do with me trying to be happy.. It's a very hard choice.. My friends and family are down here, but I don't feel like I have much of a connection with them, both my parents are dead and I am an only child, so it's very hard, I do feel like I have to face life alone anyway..

I don't think he loved me enough Ophelia, he didn't really fancy me enough.. I've let myself go a bit.. Because I was depressed and I isolated myself by moving to be with him.. He couldn't handle my depression and there was a lot of anger and arguments.. Plus there was not really any sexual connection, not his fault, I think I'm wired wrongly.. I also have PCOS, so sex can be painful.. He never said we might not ever get back together, but he can't see it and really I shouldn't go back.. But he likes so many of the same things, it's hard to think ill ever meet anyone else like that.. He dumped me because I wasn't happy and he felt like he couldn't make me happy. But he did many things that made me feel inferior and that he didn't want to be with me anyway..

I think if he left you, yes you might feel bad.. But I think being in relationships can make these things worse, I've been rejected quite a lot and haven't handled it so well.. It's really hard to have this BPD and be in relationships, but if you get therapy if will hopefully really help you.. Let me know how you get on and what happens!

I am indeed British. I live in Berkshire. It's weird, I just kind of assume everyone on here is American... i'm not sure why

If you know moving back to Scotland is a bad idea and would be detrimental to you I would say definitely don't do it. I know it's difficult when exes are involved though

Could I ask, Are you in therapy at the moment?

You're really not to blame for your PCOS (or your depression for that matter!)... I've never experienced it myself but friends of mine have told me how painful it can be.

I'm sorry you feel like you're facing life alone and don't feel connected to your family. Do you have any close friends in Manchester who understand your illness and who you can rely on?

I understand the feeling of thinking you won't meet anyone else but if someone is making you feel inferior to the them it really isn't the healthiest relationship to be in and he's probably right that he wouldn't be able to make you happy. You WILL meet someone else but I do think it's important to take some time to focus on yourself first.

You're right, BPD is SUCH a difficult thing to deal with in relationships. It's basically the 'anti relationship disorder.' Things for me are a bit more settled at the moment but I still feel i'm just waitingg for something to go wrong. Still waiting for therapy but my mum has got her nagging hat on and she's been on the phone to my gp pretty much every day since i've been out of hospital so hopefully things will be sorted soon.

Sorry if this reply's a bit disjointed and all over the place! Feeling a bit spaced out currently and can't really concentrate Hope you're okay <3

I am indeed British. I live in Berkshire. It's weird, I just kind of assume everyone on here is American... i'm not sure why

I know I do too, it is an American site I think

If you know moving back to Scotland is a bad idea and would be detrimental to you I would say definitely don't do it. I know it's difficult when exes are involved though

It's not to move back in with him, maybe just to be friends, I wouldn't be nearby and I wouldn't go to visit him, if anything he'd have to come to me.. I'd be living alone in a little cottage, I feel ready (kind of) to take on life on my own, I'm going to learn to drive, hopefully.. It will be hard and lonely, but I need time.. I don't really want to live back down in Manchester, I'd like to live in the Peak District but can't really afford to.. And being back around my extended family has made me want to run away again.. (Basically my Aunt said that I don't think of anyone but myself because I didn't thank her daughter publicly on Facebook for letting me stay on her sofa for a week, when all week I was cleaning my cousins kitchen for her, feeding her cat, gave her money for food and was helping her make and serve food to old people in sheltered housing, this from an Aunt who puts her husband down at every opportunity and apparently used to hit him, I loathe domineering women like that)..

Could I ask, Are you in therapy at the moment?

No I don't even know if I have BPD.. But I can understand the feelings etc, I could possibly have a bit of Antisocial in me too.. I know I'm depressed, or have been... I want to live and know I just have been existing for a long, long time. I do need to see someone, but as I'm not living here at the moment, I can't make plans.. I know in Manchester there are some BPD specialists..

Do you have any close friends in Manchester who understand your illness and who you can rely on?

I don't think they'd believe that I have it, I know two of them think I am troubled and need time to heal.. There's been a lot of talk about healing.. My friends and family think my ex was the cause of all my problems and he wasn't a nice guy, but it wasn't all him, though its true that if he had even different I might not have reacted like I did..

I understand the feeling of thinking you won't meet anyone else but if someone is making you feel inferior to the them it really isn't the healthiest relationship to be in and he's probably right that he wouldn't be able to make you happy. You WILL meet someone else but I do think it's important to take some time to focus on yourself first.

I think it was more that he felt I was inferior to him, that he was better than me.. That's the whole rejection thing.. I felt that everyone that has rejected me thought they were better than me and inferior to them, but with him, I do feel in some ways superior to him.. He actually had the gall to say that we both deserved to be with someone better, in his words he means someone more together and a damn sight more attractive than me, I'm not stupid.. He wanted someone who has his tea on the table after a hard day at work, with no thought for their happiness and how they are feeling. He's very hypocritical.. But I have no self-esteem most of the time, or confidence, which is why I need time apart and away.. I desperately want to be in love, loved.. But I find it so hard to trust men, even more so now.. I've been doing that thing that a few people on here have been doing, looking at new men on dating sites, for me it's the need to find that I'm attractive to other men and someone like me, but at the same time, I'm still missing parts of him so much.. I know it wouldn't be wise to be with someone new until I felt happier.. He felt he couldn't make me happy because in other words he couldn't be faithful, he'd always be tempted.. He didn't want commitment (he just changed his mind to suit himself, I wouldn't have moved in with him and sold my house etc if I knew he didn't want to be with me a long time) Because he thought he wasn't good enough, which is all a load of bull... But besides all that we had a lot in common, he tried to heal me, help me, when he wasn't qualified to do so in any way and has so many issues himself, he needed to heal himself first..

You're right, BPD is SUCH a difficult thing to deal with in relationships. It's basically the 'anti relationship disorder.' Things for me are a bit more settled at the moment but I still feel i'm just waitingg for something to go wrong. Still waiting for therapy but my mum has got her nagging hat on and she's been on the phone to my gp pretty much every day since i've been out of hospital so hopefully things will be sorted soon.

Don't wait for things to go wrong, or you won't enjoy the now.. Just to try to relax, which I know is hard to do.. Has he ever said he loves you? xx