I Failed *tw*

This is just me needing to vent, so you don't need to read any of this, if you don't want to.

I was having such a good day, too. I went out to buy a whole bunch of kicka** photography lighting. The sales guy was taking a while getting to me, but I didn't mind. He was busy, I understand. Besides, I was in a good mood. When it was my turn, I even offered to let the next guy go ahead, since I knew I'd be a while. The gear I got cost me a lot and I did put it on credit card (both for the cc insurance and for the points), but I have enough in the bank to cover it without worry. Plus, on the whole thing, I ended up being within $7 of what I budgeted! Not bad, given how many parts got changed out on the fly. Yay for me!

I found out that the flash heads, the main part of the transaction, weren't in stock, and wouldn't be available for another two weeks. The last time I heard this (from another store), I hadn't heard back from them for a few months. I ended up canceling my order with the other store. However, hearing it from this guy didn't phase me in the least. S**t happens, and these guys have enough of a reputation, I have faith in them, so I was completely good with it. So far, so good, right?

At the very, very end of the transaction, a wrench got thrown into the machine. I mean, a wrench the size of New Hampshire. After I had paid for everything, and he had everything together, he went through the list to scan it in and show me that it was all there. As he did this, a song came on the radio. It was Pearl Jam's cover of "Last Kiss". It is one of three songs that triggers me something awful. I had to dig my nails into my skin well into the point of pain to keep from breaking down right there in front of him. I couldn't excuse myself for a minute, because there was nowhere to go; the music was being piped in throughout the store. To make it worse, he was humming along with it. Thankfully, he didn't see my eyes well up. I don't think he did, anyway.

After a tearful end to an otherwise happy transaction, I got out of there and went to a local bike show/get together, hoping it'd calm me down a little. No one that I knew was there, but it did get my mind off that song.

After the show, went home, saw the folks, and we talked about our days. I made the mistake of mentioning that a song rattled me, and she asked which one (so that she wouldn't sing it by accident). Again, I made the mistake of telling her. It got stuck in my head and just wouldn't leave.

So now there's a gash in my left arm. I tried hard not to; I really did. But I failed.

<3 lots of love being sent your way JB, don't be too hard on yourself <3

JohnnyBlaze wrote:At the very, very end of the transaction, a wrench got thrown into the machine. I mean, a wrench the size of New Hampshire.

This sounds more like a wrench the size of Texas than little ol' NH.

*big hugs* JohnnyBlaze. I’m sorry that monkey wrench got thrown into in your otherwise good day. Could you listen to something else for a while to get a new song stuck in your head, to help ensure the triggering one is gone?

Saying that you “failed” does make it sound like you are being too hard on yourself. It was really more of a momentary lapse. Much better wording

I really hope you are feeling better when you come back so you can enjoy the rest of your weekend. *more hugs*

*huggles* it's scary the effect music can have on our emotions. You made it through the situation though. That's not failure!

One of my favorite reminders on the webernets about failure:

Remind yourself that you are good enough. Leo Babauta suggests that not believing we are good enough rests at the heart of fearing failure. Failures serve as proof of this greatest fear, causing us to want to withdraw and not try again for fear of being further exposed as inadequate and incapable. However, this fear is not founded in reality; nobody is perfect and everyone will err at various points in life. The real difference between people who become successful and overcome failure and those who do not comes down to how you manage failure and how you view its impact on you. Feeling inadequate is a commonplace human feeling that even very public, very successful people feel but they don't let it keep them down. You are good enough; all you need is to give yourself the go-ahead to keep trying.

to fail is human to forgive is divine
(even yourself)

Thanks, everyone. I try to forgive myself, I really do. I'm just not good at it yet.