Distracting the Demon

Sorry guys for the delay. It happened some stuff. Actually aetienne the dog reference make sense. I happens to have a very emotionally sensitive dog and I have as you said learned (and still learning) how to avoid triggering her. It's of course much easier to reassure another person than yourself.

Today I mostly try to push "the dog side of me" away. It feels ,like centerpath said, as I feed the demon. It appeared to me for some days ago that when the "dog demon" takes over I get all the characteristics I usually push away. For example, normally I never get jealous on my partner. But in an episode I get critically jealous. I make up stuff and hates her for it. And thats one more thing, normally I don't hate....I even seldom get angry. Thats also parts I push away.

I feel like I can't feed the demon any longer, because I don't know how many episodes I can handle if the demon just gets stronger and stronger. I guess it eventually will lead to a psychosis.
I will just have to figure out a way to let me feel my feeling in a safe way. A way that doesn't destroy my life.

I haven't been to my therapist in a long while because he was crap. But I'm gonna move now and finally gets a new therapist. I hope I get a person I can unload to. Because right now I just got my girlfriend and that's not what she's for.

I have this exact problem. I've been plagued by paranoia since I was a teenager. There were a lot of things in my life that added up and fed the dragon inside me. It has grown pretty large, and actually for a long time I didn't really even see it. I mean I had an idea that things were somehow "off", but I tended to attribute all of my problems to the outside world... and I still do to some extent.

I've found that letting go of my need to be right has helped a lot. Just as important are the people in my life who see my mistakes and flaws, and are honest and firm with me, but remain my friend. I would rather yell and argue for days and end up learning something about myself that I can FIX, rather than have complacent friends who allow me to continue to be crazy.

However the hardest part is really accepting what other people say, because the first instinct of someone with paranoia is to #1, make that person wrong. #2, Assume they are against you, and #3. Stubbornly stand your ground on your issue and be pissed off.
Then, if you're me... cry.

BUT... I've decided to do my very best to really hear criticism and try not to be right all the time and make others wrong. I just pray to god I haven't destroyed what few friendships I have left.

People who don't have this problem really can't understand how horrible it is. The regret, the guilt and the pain we feel because we know deep down something is terribly wrong and we keep making mistakes, but we honestly don't know how to fix it.... we are good people. just a little lost.
I think we need a lot of tough love.

hang in there.

'....feeling the monster climb deeper inside of me, feeling him gnawing my heart away hungrily, I'll never lose this pain...' -The Cure

I know all about the demon, to the point where I'm constantly having this conversation with it (sometimes out loud) to control it. For me it did lead to psychosis years ago and I never want to relive that. The only way I have to control it is by saying like a mantra 'don't do it, don't do it.....

I makes me scared of myself.