I would like some opinions

Hey there, i wanna start of by saying i'm new here so well whatever. I would like some of your opinions or advice in this situation, since i'm quite angry and confused after a year of searching and being pushed around to find out what was "wrong" with me. (i'd also like to apologize for my English since i'm dutch so some sentences might be a little crooked!)

So, i'll start of by telling you some background information. Growing up we always had huge fights at my home, my brother was a problem child and my parents never really got along. I got asked to "keep the phone close to me" so i could call the police allot. Almost every dinner ended up in big argument and i used to hope and pray my parents would get a divorce. I am currently 18 years old, and my mother killed herself when i was 16 (which i actually handled very well). A year later i finished my high school education and got accepted to a creative school where it's very important to be confident in yourself and work hard as it is all about selling your concepts to clients. Well, this is where the problems started to pile up. I know how cheesy this is going to sound, but i always felt like i was a different kind of kid compared to the others. I didn't care what people thought of me as long as the people that really mattered loved me. But being kind of a "pet" to my best friend when i was younger i realized no matter how nice they seemed to be, they would still go behind your back and hate you for the things they didn't approve of. And at age 14 my 2 new best friends decided to kind of well, ditch and hate me. Since then i convinced myself i was worthless and disposable, and no matter how much someone would love you you'd always be replaceable with someone better (the funny thing is, one of them apologized a year later and still is my best friend... I'm very forgiving). So when i started this new school my confidence was shot after seeing everyone was so much better then me and i fell in some kind of a depression. I didn't know what was wrong with me, because i was also having allot of mood-swings. I would go from energetic, carefree and bouncy to being extremely sad, panicky and intense waves of fear. I started cutting again and really got into eating disorders and went into a huge cycle of starving, cutting, binge eating, not doing the work i was supposed to do and sleep depriving myself. Something about hurting my body and treating myself like crap made me feel really good, like i was real. i felt grounded to the world again. this is when i first started to realize how empty i was on the inside, and i needed all this to make it go away.

now, around this time i started to really bond with this girl. We became best friends and she told me about her Bipolar disorder. Since i was very interested in mental issues (my mother was very sick the last couple years of her life) i started reading up about it on the internet to understand her actions and how to recognize when she would be manic. Also, allot of what she told me was really recognizable, and it was kind of weird i had so much more in common with her then "healthy" people. This is when i first read about borderline... and to be honest i felt at home. I didn't want to know too much about it because i didn't want to over think it so i let it be.

To make a long story short, school let us know i was going to fail so i got sent to a bunch of different people. I saw doctors, psychologist and psychiatrists which all rolled into me having "identity issues". I hated that they didn't really take me seriously because of my mother. They all believed i was just mourning her loss but the truth is i did that a long time ago. I'm a very sensitive/understanding person, so i understand her choice and i'm happy that she found her peace. I miss her allot, but i wouldn't want her back on earth (although a hug would be nice! :p). Noone just really seemed to understand how much i was hurting and how much i just wanted it to be over. it was hard for me to talk at first because i didn't want to seem weak or self-centered. But in time i started dissociating during sessions and i didn't really care what i said, since it didn't feel like it was me sitting there. i also was extremely frustrated since i couldn't cry about anything. I would just sit in my room for hours trying to let it all out but all i felt was numbness. the cutting increased and i have a diary which is now filled with dried blood and detached writing about me hating myself.

So anyway, to come back to the whole borderline thing

My current psychologist asked me a bunch of questions, which all sounded very familiar. They where all about black and white thinking, emptiness and abandonment issues. Also she noticed how between sessions i would change my opinion allot, like about me liking "being special" and me hating it the next week. I was really honest about hating myself and needing attention and love and positive reinforcements from other people otherwise i feel like crap. I'm not really able of loving myself the way i should so i need other people to give me that "fix". I found out that i kinda fall in love with people. I'm really dependent to my best friend(s). in the last 3 years i have had 3 best friends (who don't know eachother), and even though they are all completely different from each other i always hear "how much i am like them". I feel like i'm a mirror. I reflect what they do and i feel the happiest when they are happy. I feel very uncomfortable if they would be nervous or quiet. I'm also very paranoid when they don't talk to me, and go crazy asking them "why they hate me" and "why they don't like me anymore". i don't even want to say such things i swear, but they just seem to spill out of my mouth. I've never been in a relationship but my platonic relationships have all been like this. I also always want what i can't have, so obviously i get huge crushes on the love interests of my best friends (fully knowing they're not my type), always ending in hurting someone. I'm still a virgin, but that's because i'm afraid of doing something wrong and ending up being hated and alone. I am however very promiscuous when it comes to kissing, and when i've been drinking i kiss everything that's close to my face (even though when i was at a younger age i had the same feelings towards kissing as i have now towards sex). I also have no problem with showing off my body, so i go out in cropped tops and short shorts quite often (as long as my arms are covered). I'm still not sure if i like my psychologist, but at least she got me some medication. The decided to put me on Citalopram, which really help the mood-swings but i still feel allot of dissociation. I have moments where i look in the mirror and feel so disconnected, like it's not me there. It's just a body. I've also kicked the cutting addiction, and started eating properly again. I still cut and burn (especially when i've been drinking) but i don't feel the need anymore. I have however started going on insane shopping sprees (since i turned 18 last summer) and spend hundreds of euro's on $#%^ i don't even need. Also i smoke more then i should, just because i love the idea of breaking myself from the inside out.

So finally i got an appointment with another psychiatrist. The ones at the hospital didn't want to see me anymore, since they thought i was just another angsty teenager. After allot of talk it was time for the diagnose, and she told me i had a mild form of Aspergers Syndrome. Not knowing allot about it i went straight home to look it up. As i found out, the only thing that i can relate to is the emptiness. Asperger is all about not understanding people and having ticks and not being sympathetic to other people and not being able to make friends. I was quite pissed off, since none of this sounds like me... so i started reading up about borderline again. It's weird how at ease it makes me feel that there is something out there that can describe my feelings. I've collected a bunch of quotes from people on the internet about borderline, and the all portray exactly how i feel. i guess i'm not really the outwardly aggressive type that you read allot about, but isn't it true that you can put a 100 people with borderline in a room and they would all still be different?

I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist that diagnosed me again this month, but i'm afraid to bring up the whole borderline thing since they might think i just want attention or i'm trying to push myself into this disorder. All i really want is a clear explanation about my self so others can understand. I don't care what it's called or how bad it is as long as it is correct. And so far this Asperger thing just hurts me since it everything i'm not.. and i feel sad that that's the label i'm going to wear if i don't speak up.

So what do you think?

(also, thank you for reading this i know it's really long but it means allot to me and even now i'm very on edge because i'm afraid you will all hate me for saying such stupid things and i'll never be able to return here again)

i would say show this letter to your psychiatrist. you expressed yourself clearly.

Hi Messy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. This must have been very hard.

Your English is excellent.

Even though each of us are different both from our brains and our experiences, there are many surprising similarities. I think you have found a place where you will have much in common with other members, and I hope you will be happily surprised at the validation and acceptance you encounter here.

I agree that sharing what you have written might be helpful for a therapist, and maybe help you decide if a particular therapist is a good fit.

To my thinking, part of our process is to learn over time which parts of ourselves we can grow beyond and which are part of our brains which we need to adapt to rather than change. I don't think should be rushed, we humans are very adaptable and you are at an age where your mind is capable of a lot of growth.

From the way you are able to speak about your experiences so clearly, and seem so willing to look at yourself and speak with honesty, I believe that you will go far in finding peace and health.

The process can take a long time and be very frustrating and seem hopeless at times. We can and do heal.

Welcome.

Thank you so much for your response! I feel so much relieve and i'm happy i came here. I'll print out my post and show it to her, it took me a long time to write and it's nice to hear that is understandable and clear thank you again, and i think your right. I feel like i've found a part of myself here, a part i'm dying to know more about

First of all I would like to say that you are speaking out which shows that you want change which is good. You are really pretty and I am not sure if you see it for yourself but you are. My therapist asked me to name the good things about myself and I had to look really hard. I think you should come up of a list of reasons why you're a good person and keep it where you can see it all the time. Also, keep a list of reasons as to why you shouldn't cut or burn yourself. Here are a few: it leaves ugly marks which don't always go away, it's pointless because after you're done, the problems are still there, it's addicting, you may cut or burn so badly that you can severely injure yourself. You are worth something. Even the devil has good traits lol. Finding a good therapist isn't easy. You need to find one that makes you comfortable. If you don't agree with what they tell you then look it up and discuss other illnesses. Good friends are so hard to find and it's especially harder to find one that can understand an illness such as this. This is a great site and you should turn here when you feel the need to do something impulsive.

MessyMackenzie wrote:I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist that diagnosed me again this month, but i'm afraid to bring up the whole borderline thing since they might think i just want attention or i'm trying to push myself into this disorder.

<giggle> Which would be soooo a BPD trait, and sooooo not an Aspie trait So I don't think you should be nervous about saying something about it.

@666ismynumber:

You're so kind! i don't really care if i'm pretty anymore, as long as i'm loved... i see way uglier chicks then me have beautiful lives so what does looks really matter (okay well, since i'm on meds i havn't had any "i'm ugly" meltdowns). And thanks for reminding me about the cutting, sometimes it's so easy to not care about the scars but i really should stop it since it doesn't solve ANYTHING.

@aetienne:

That actually also made me giggle a bit hahah thanks for pointing that out :p

Im sorry to hear your going through this..

But..

for me, it hasnt really gotten better since I got diagnosed 5 years ago..Psychiatric help is available by county where I am at. So when you move to another county..you get a whole new set of mental health providers..

I have moved several times, I am just a creature of habit..

And each PDOC has a different idea of what I have..This new thinks I have bipolar 2. So I have multiple diagnosees without any really benefical treatment.. I have been on a drug cocktail for years..

I finally got to the point where..I said screw the labels...I know I probably have comorbid disorders but BPD which I was diagnosed with a year ago, is the one giving me the hardest time so I base my treatment on that and it has helped a lot.

Mental Health is just like physical heath..They all come from different schools of thought..So dont be so concern about the label but trying out therapies and find out what benefits you. Its not a good trap to be in to have several different docs tell you different things..I finally put a stop to it when I was taking 13 pills a day and was a total ######6 zombie. Many of these therapies even DBT will benefit many disorders, not just BPD

I hope this helps

You do make me feel better actually.. i really shouldn't feel so concerned about being diagnosed. But i kinda need one to show my teachers at school what my deal is.. And get some real help instead of just pills and a "good luck at school". I just feel I've lost a grip on life and i'll accept all help i can get.