So I have an interesting question..

I would like to know..

What you guys distinguish as BPD traits of just up and leaving someones life

OR..

The fact that the relationship needs to end..

I had talked to my counselor and she said a good way to tell is to see how the person lives their life..If they are healthy stay, if they arent healthy work on DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills..

Any thoughts? Because I am maybe taking on more than I have to

I'm confused. Are you BPD and trying to decide whether to end a relationship? Avoiding your own patterns of pushing people away? Or are you in a relationship with a BPD person trying to decide whether to stay? etc

No more like how do personally distinguish if you are running away or the relationship needs to end...I hope Im making sense

Thanks, I assumed that's what you meant but wanted to be sure. Sorry for my long reply.

I'm in somewhat of a different spot but have given it a lot of thought. My whole life blew up a few years ago, I did some pretty impulsive stuff and have been shunned by everyone close to me. Everyone. The woman I left my wife for turned out to be a horror story, so when I thought I was grabbing the brass ring I was getting hooked by a demon. Now a few years later I'm totally alone.

It's been interesting because I feel ready to have friends and eventually a lover again. I've been a lot more conscious about it, really looking at the people I'm drawn to and trying to be conscious and balanced.

I've reached out to a few people and made connections. Then over time I've been watching to see if they seem to be willing to put any energy into me, in some approximation of the energy I put into them. Not keeping score, just a vague sense of balance. That's led me to allow the relationships to pretty quickly fade, since after a few cycles of me buying dinner, me setting something up, me organizing something to do, I'm leaving some silence to see if they reciprocate.

So my long winded answer is to suggest something like that. Look at the energy you are putting into the relationship, look at what you give of yourself, and look at what the other person is putting in. Do you have a reciprocal relationship? If it's a keeper I think you can stop making effort for a moment and there will still be a connection.

Just a thought.

Very very profound...I have been putting in more than I am getting..Im sure I can be a BPD asshole..but you made some good points. It makes being here by myself in Tenn not so lonely

It can take a lot of cycles of clinging to unhealthy relationships before we're ready to be alone instead of being used, abused, taken for granted. I'm no poster child for the idea. I put 21 years in an unhealthy marriage, followed by three years of hell with a narcissist. Hopefully you can find a shorter path....

So do you think that is what the end result for us will be? Being alone?

I don't know.

Right now I'm alone. I don't wish to be, but don't believe I'm in a position to attract the person that I would like to be with, and am done being with people that are part of unhealthy patterns. I'm letting go of the idea and working on me.

I read somewhere that the creation of a healthy and functional relationship was the litmus test for healing from this. Guess I'll wait and see.

makes sense guys! You are soooo smart

Maybe this is my wake up call that I need to work on me right now..

I will ponder this in great detail..

Although I am WAY HEALTHIER than I was a year ago,( I would melt down every ten minutes), I still have a ways to go..

Thanks guys