Will I ever find myself?

Hi. I am new here. I am 23, female. I have been diagnosed with BPD. I have been following the forum for a while now. Before I start, I am sorry about my English, I am not a native speaker.

I have been on therapy for a month. We just got over getting to know me. For my whole life, I felt miserable, alone, extremely stupid, very low self esteem etc. (I don't know the exact words, sorry) but also very intelligent, very high self-esteem, successful. I don't know if it makes sense, feeling them at the same time and changes with my mood. (Very opposite feelings)

Now since I am on therapy, I am expecting to get better. At least get to know myself. I feel like I have no idea who I am, what I want. I have never known, all my life. I have a job and I could keep my last job for a year now and I am still working there. (This is a great success for me, being able to work somewhere more than 6 months) But, this is not what I want for myself. I don't know what is right for me, I don't know my strengths, anything about myself. Since I am having the most opposite feelings about myself, I have no idea who I am, about anything.

I can deal with my anger, my relationships with other people(not intimate relationships, I am still a huge wreck), but all I really want is to get to know myself and figure out what I want with life and get rid of this emptiness inside me.Does it get any better? I am feeling very hopeless. I want to get better but I can't convince myself.

I can relate to what you're saying and I think that everyone here could.. I think it could get better over time, do you have hobbies, something that you really like to do and that you know you're good at? If you do,then that is what you should do for a living, for a career.. Likewise what are your dreams, your passions.. You might not know who you are, but you must like certain things.. They don't have to be strengths, or skills, just something that inspires you?

I have never held jobs for very long, long periods of unemployment, a short spell looking after my mother when she was ill.. My longest job was for almost 3 years.. They were just office jobs though, mostly 12 month contracts.. Bored me senseless, but I did try really hard in one of them, and enjoyed it for a while.. But I wasn't challenged.. I went to uni before that and dropped out as well, I wasn't coping very well at the time..
I think I'm quite intelligent, but my common sense is terrible, atrocious and my self-esteem very low. It's only when I feel fit in mind and in body that my confidence and self-esteem is high and even then I have doubts.. Plus other people, like lovers, can make your confidence sky-high or plummet.. That's why you need to feel fully confident for you!

Thank you for your response. When it comes to hobbies, I always start something new and I just give it up in a few days. Everything. Today, I started buying clay equipments (I kinda have hard time controlling my shopping urge), and I don't know how long it will last. Other than that, I don't have anything else. I am an engineer but I don't like my job. I don't know what job I like either. Is it too much to expect from therapy? Am I going to live an empty life like I do right now?

When it comes to intimate relationships, I totally change and I become this mad person. I don't have any friends or boyfriend for the past 2 years and I can control my anger now, but I feel like this borderline is sleeping right now. If I have a close friend or a relationship, it will start all over again.

i'm in the same boat. an eye opener for me was when a therapist asked me what do i want. and i had no idea and still don't. i do enjoy some hobbies but not too many, really i am content to mope around and waste time and just make it through the day. there isn't too much that really excites me. and my bpd lays dormant too because i'm solitary and constantly move from place to place, but in an intimate relationship all hell breaks loose.

how does a depressed person find hobbies they enjoy? i'm not sure.

I think you should all buy some paints and paper and get started! saying that, I have paints and paper with me now and can't be bothered.. And needles and wool and the wool is gorgeous! Perhaps doing a hobby in a group would be better..
In the past I have considered joining an art group, doing maybe life drawing.. I think that could be quite fun and embarrassing.. Comparing the different paintings at the end!

I tried guitar playing, violin playing, sports, makeup, knitting etc. and gave up on them. I will ask about this to my therapist. I feel like a teenager who can't decide anything! Although I was worse when I was a teenager

I just want this empty feeling gone.

I think we can get better. I won't allow myself to think otherwise. Maybe not 'better' in the terms of what others may think would be the best, but at least feel a little better with ourselves, a little longer than we usually do. Peace and quiet and harmony, one little moment of that. That'd be wonderful.

I have no idea how to get there, though.

I hope you'll feel better soon.<3 And can I ask where in the world you're from? I'm a little curious because of the Æ, you see.

If you are in your early 20's, and are doing that searching to find yourself, I think you can definitely make some small level of progress. It's still super hard work though to go through that experience. I'm now in my late 40's, and have been trying to find myself for years. I've made incremental progress in some stages of my life, and I feel that I am better overall now that I was in my early 20's, but the amount of change is still not happening fast enough for me. It can be very frustrating.

To help me to try to find myself, I try to push myself to do different things and give myself new experiences and perspectives, even though it can sometimes be fearful to try out new things.

I also have the same symptoms, intelligence, desire to be successful, rich and great. the thing is the world is a stupid place. here those who are criminals and stupid and mean are given importance, atleast that's how it is in my environment.

no one respects hardwork anymore. if i say i want to be successful and rich, i'm believed to be evil and mean. but people assume nobility in crime. it's difficult to have integrity, very difficult. it makes me miserable when i see some people not even trying for it.