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When the person that's supposed to love you tells you they like to push your buttons to get a reaction because it 'amuses' them what the ###$ are you supposed to do!?
So you like triggering me because you think it's ######6 funny!?
What the ###$!?
So obviously i've just smashed a glass, kicked a hole in my kitchen door and cut my arm.
THANKS.
I'm so ######6 angry and hurt right now.
I'll kill myself shall I? For your AMUSEMENT!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Ophelia333 wrote:When the person that's supposed to love you tells you they like to push your buttons to get a reaction because it 'amuses' them what the ###$ are you supposed to do!?

I think we're supposed to marshall some inner resource to face the truth of what you just wrote.

The cliche' explanation is that we're drawn to assholes like this, and that they're drawn to us.

The cliche' solution is to focus whatever energy we have on breaking both patterns as an act of will.

But when you love them it's not easy. I question myself all the time. Maybe it is just me. I know i'm not easy to be with. I'm certainly not an easy person to 'love' Sometimes I think he doesn't know the effect his words have, but even when I explain he just doesn't seem to care. That's when I think he's an arsehole. But then at other times he'll hold me when I'm breaking down and tell me he loves me no matter how 'crazy' I am and he's brilliant. I just don't understand. Right now I HATE him so much. I feel like I'm losing myself. And I know for a fact I will be the one who resolves this whole situation by apologising to him for who I am and the way I act. What the hell is that about!? My head is a complete mess. I'm struggling so much at the moment anyway and EVERYTHING is triggering me so what he said to me about enjoying pushing my buttons hurts me so ######6 much. I honestly feel like killing myself. Which I KNOW is a stupid and extreme reaction to words! But I can't help it

Ophelia333 wrote:But when you love them it's not easy.

that's an understatement

I question myself all the time. Maybe it is just me. I know i'm not easy to be with. I'm certainly not an easy person to 'love' Sometimes I think he doesn't know the effect his words have, but even when I explain he just doesn't seem to care. That's when I think he's an arsehole.

right. i don't intend to judge him and should probably have chosen a non-judgemental term. let's say "we're drawn to people with such attitudes". the net result is the same. that we tend to have patterns that look similar to addiction with personality types that tend to deepen our pain and trigger our vulnerabilities. i don't for a moment suggest that the consciousness required to actually avoid such persons and create healthier patterns is trivial, it's immense.

But then at other times he'll hold me when I'm breaking down and tell me he loves me no matter how 'crazy' I am and he's brilliant.

you're describing a very familiar pattern. i don't know a way to explain the pattern that's not really cynical, but the pattern you're describing is really familiar.

I just don't understand. Right now I HATE him so much. I feel like I'm losing myself. And I know for a fact I will be the one who resolves this whole situation by apologising to him for who I am and the way I act.

probably it's about you being the only person that needs the tension gone to be well. i don't know your partner from adam, but the overall feel you're describing is so typical of the NPD/BPD coupling that I'll leave the analysis to you. for many of us it's a lifetime path to overcome this pattern.

What the hell is that about!? My head is a complete mess. I'm struggling so much at the moment anyway and EVERYTHING is triggering me so what he said to me about enjoying pushing my buttons hurts me so ######6 much. I honestly feel like killing myself. Which I KNOW is a stupid and extreme reaction to words! But I can't help it

and my deepest hope is that this helps to motivate you in a small way to find a place to need your partner (whomever it may be) less in the future so that you're experiences are more under your own control.

the overwhelming power imbalance i feel from your description sounds like a recipe for ongoing unhappiness.

again, the solutions are easy to say or see for most of us, and may be a lifetime (or many lifetimes) to achieve. baby steps.

centerpath, to be honest I really don't think he is narcissistic... but then I don't know. Maybe he is? what are the main traits of NPD? He just seems totally emotionally stunted at times.

I think our relationship is unbalanced. It's like he has more power at this moment in time. But in the past I have ended our relationship and he has been the one desperate to get back with me. It's so confusing. I love him but I really hate him right now. He tells me he loves me. He has to reassure me a lot and I'm not sure if this is because of my BPD or because he just doesn't show it that much. I don't know if it's me or him.

Also, you're completely right about the reason why I am the one that always ends up apologising. I just can't handle the tension. I need things to be 'okay' immediatly otherwise my feelings escalate beyond comprehension!

littlearcher, it was said after a few drinks. Well, he was drunk actually. There's a girl he works with who I don't trust and I have this whole scenario played out in my head where he leaves me for her. He knows how paranoid I am and last night he told me he had told her about my feelings. I felt completely betrayed. I don't want this person knowing I feel this way and it brought up all these situations in my head where they're laughing about me and my paranoia. I was so angry he told her. I told him how it made me feel. He thought it was funny and when I asked why he told her he said it was because my reactions 'amuse' him. It's not the first time he's said something like that to me. He's told me he thinks it's funny to 'push my buttons' in the past. Typing it out and reading this back I am thinking that I am overreacting? I just don't know. Either way I flew into a rage. And the fact he has a COMPLETE inability to apologise to me when he knows I'm upset makes things 100 times worse. I feel like a complete doormat and i'm so angry with myself.

I think all this stuff in us occurs on a continuum, I don't think a switch flips and we're suddenly BPD or NPD or anything else, we are where we are and sometimes we get stuck in a spot that's consistent enough they give it a name in DSM. (That said I do think that true NPD is a particularly stuck place.)

I think a lot of BPD's have some N traits, and visa versa. So it would make sense that he could have some of the traits that occur on this end of the spectrum as could all of us.

I don't know your ages. If you guys are late teens or early 20's this could just be immaturity on his part, maybe even a bit older if he's immature. I've said things for effect to people that I'm sure hurt them and often meant no harm, was just giving voice to a whim.

I think all of us on this end of the PD spectrum do well to look very closely at our intimate relationships with an eye to co-dependancy, abuse, etc. Obviously there's not enough info. in your short post to suggest from here, but a close look at what we're attracted to and what is attracted to us is always a good exercise.

You don't deserve to have your buttons pushed, and that's a fair boundary to express and enforce.

Ophelia333 wrote:When the person that's supposed to love you tells you they like to push your buttons to get a reaction because it 'amuses' them what the ###$ are you supposed to do!?

I might get a smack in the face for saying some of this from some people, (its possibly too straightforward a reply for this forum, but bear in mind I'm not trying to be unsympathetic.) honestly as a generalised answer the best thing to do is ignore it, step back and realise they clearly have their own issues if they're trying to do that to you.

If you can't deal with that [abusive] behaviour because it triggers your own issues, the best thing to do is leave the person. The only good reason not to turn your back on someone who is treating you that way is if you like other things about them, and are big & ugly enough to handle yourself. If you're feeling vulnerable, or are with them for the wrong reasons, walk. If you can't then I guess you'd have to start working on why you'd be drawn to people who treat you that way.

I respond to most things with this expression:

Loving the replies in this thread.

centerpath, yeah I understand. That actually makes a lot of sense when you put it like that.

I'm 25 and he's 28 and to be honest he does have his fair share of issues... he just hides them very well.

I probably do have some N triats. I know i've said things in the past to hurt other people. Usually when I feel i'm being attacked. I'm not proud of that but I have never done it for 'fun'.

Maybe there is some emotional abuse. I honestly don't know. I can't see myself or my relationship clearly enough to know when i'm being overly sensitive and when I actually have a right to feel the way I do. How do we know when it's BPD playing up and when it's justified? :/

reading what i read, i would say that isn't a healthy situation to be in or a healthy dynamic to have and i wouldn't personally feel safe around someone who would betray my trust with another woman to push my buttons.

littlearcher, this is what I have a massive problem with^^^

I am by no means judging your boyfriend...just more thinking of the dynamic because, as you know, we are particularly sensitive and get triggered enough by well-meaning people in our lives, so it seems counterintuitive to invest energy in people who intentionally harm us. does that make sense?

Yes this does make perfect sense. We have been together for 6 years and there have been a LOT of ups and downs. I've cheated on him, he's cheated on me. On paper it sounds like the type of relationship I would tell my friends to run a mile from. But the fact is I do love him. And there has been a lot of positives as well as the negatives. I am always made to feel at fault for the negatives though. This is what really gets to me. We were 18 when we got together and I was/am a very headstrong and stubborn person but I now feel like I fold whenever there's a problem because I just want an easy life and I really REALLY can't deal with the tension from arguments at the moment. Argh, I don't know. Thank you though, you speak a lot of sense.

I might get a smack in the face for saying some of this from some people, (its possibly too straightforward a reply for this forum, but bear in mind I'm not trying to be unsympathetic.) honestly as a generalised answer the best thing to do is ignore it, step back and realise they clearly have their own issues if they're trying to do that to you.

If you can't deal with that [abusive] behaviour because it triggers your own issues, the best thing to do is leave the person. The only good reason not to turn your back on someone who is treating you that way is if you like other things about them, and are big & ugly enough to handle yourself. If you're feeling vulnerable, or are with them for the wrong reasons, walk. If you can't then I guess you'd have to start working on why you'd be drawn to people who treat you that way.

I respond to most things with this expression:

Ha nooo, you won't get a smack in the face. I like the fact you're being straightforward. I know I should ignore it. If you don't give a reaction people tend to just get bored right? I just find it so, so difficult. My emotions are constantly bubbling under the surface and it takes the littlest thing to set them off. So that mixed with a partner who is TRYING to set you of is a #######5 combination. And yeah, he does have his own issues. Which I try and be sympathetic towards but you know, it usually ends up being all me, me, me. There are so many positive reasons as to why I am with him. I love him being the main one! But I am also completely vulnerable. I've been drawn to ABSOLUTE bastards in the past, and I could see that then. But with my current boyfriend, he isn't like that. He's different to the other guys who have treated me like absolute $#%^ in the past. Although I guess maybe he just does it in a different way

I'm so embarrassed about my initial epic rant now I was feeling extremely emotional (slightly better today but not amazing) Oh, and apologies for the excessive swearing!!

Also, thanks to the three of you for taking the time to reply. It has made a lot of sense.

I'm sorry, but you need to ditch him, even though he is there for you when you breakdown, perhaps he feeds off that too! He should not be telling this other woman how you feel or should he find it amusing to wind you up.. That is not somebody who loves you!

What if he did something really terrible to wind you up? And then you went too far? He'd be sorry then, wouldn't he..

-- Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:55 pm --

I say this, because I've got this kind of thing going on myself at the moment.. But I know he would never do anything to wind me up like that.. He's not cruel like that.. And he definitely doesn't find my BPD (if I have it) amusing.. But if you love him, then it must be hard.. But don't you deserve better?