*may trigger* My heart is breaking

I am new to this forum but have been reading it for months.. What I would like to know is how do I live with myself? It only takes a google search to feel that I am poison. I am strong, don't get me wrong. But I am also conscientious, and hate feeling like no matter how hard I try I will only hurt people. I have a boyfriend who I am deeply in love with, but I think he is about to end our relationship. He can't cope with it anymore, and I really don't blame him. I was diagnosed last November and we have been together since April. I feel so sorry that I hurt him. I have never loved like this before, but I push him away because I hate myself and don't want to hurt him. Obviously its symptomatic I also push him away, and I try to be aware of it. I am confused about everything and I have no idea what to think or feel right now. I can't stop crying though. I love this man so very much, but I want him to be happy. He deserves it. He has a beautiful big heart, and that's why I fell in love with him in the first place. I am sitting in our room crying in silence while I type this, and can hear him sleeping behind me. I wish I could stop, and believe me I am trying. I have been heavily engaged in therapy since diagnosis in November 2012.

Does anybody have any suggestions? I can't live with myself much longer if I continue to hurt him. I try so very hard not to, but this disorder is like a cancerous disease.

You're trying to recover, and I wish I could say otherwise, but there's not much more that you can do. Does he understand you aren't doing this on purpose? You say he's a good person, just tired. Try and show him what you're doing to recover. Take small steps. It can feel like forever just to accomplish one small thing, but those little things add up to be such great accomplishments, especially in a time of struggle.

All I can suggest is try to stop yourself before you do something, and if something does happen make it up to him somehow. There will be bad points, there will be tiring points, but show him that you do love him and that you want the relationship to last. Just show that you're trying to change, and I do believe everything will pick up. And it does help having someone point out when you're "slipping". It's given me a lot of self awareness I would have otherwise.

Thanks so much for your response. I fell apart last night, I cried for hours hysterically. I was raped when I was 17 and I don't think it actually occurred to me until last night that my virginity was stolen. I didn't recall the concept of virginity and this realisation happened late last night when I was alone of course.

I guess I have just started to grieve at 24 years old for all the injustices I have endured in my life, right from the start. They include sexual abuse, domestic violence, rape, bullying and the ostracising that ensues after all of the above. I am not sure if I am allowed to post a link here, like I said I am new. But I have been writing a blog, about the up's and downs of Borderline and it can be read here missinvinciblek.blogspot.com.au

Does anybody have any other blogs to share? I find talking to people or reading the experiences of those who are plagued with similar issues is extremely helpful. There is a lot of confusion regarding this disorder, not only is there a lot of confusion with civilians, but also treating mental health staff/doctors/psychiatrists. I would like to think that our journies will go towards helping those in the future with BorderlinePD obtain more accurate treatment. I for one am tired of being told something different by each professional I speak to.

It must take a lot of strength to say that. I haven't been through that, I can't even imagine how difficult everything must be for you. Do let yourself have time to grieve, you need that time to process everything that is going on.
Also, no matter what others say, we are good people. We just have our problems like anyone else. Stay around here long enough and you'll see that.

Don't rush the process, let it flow naturally. As time progresses it will start to become easier for you and you will heal. I only had time to read that first one now, but I intend to read more later.

I don't have anything like that (I always tend to feel wrong in how I feel and destroy my writings), but I'm sure you will find people on here who have them. I know there's others around who will be able to relate to what you have gone through much more than I can. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help.

Stay strong, no matter what has happened, you will get through this. It won't be easy, but everything will be ok in the end.
Take care of yourself.