Need Answers... Please Help

Hi... I'm 20 years old and female. I've never been officially diagnosed as BPD so I'm looking for some answers from you guys. I realise no one here can diagnose me but I have to know if I should pursue this and actually seek professional help. Here's my story...

I've always been very head strong and a bit manic, yet underneath my swagger I'm painfully aware of myself and over analyze every tiny little thing I do and say. I'm constantly imagining how people perceive me question everyone's intentions. I find myself changing myself depending on who I'm with and almost adopting their mannerisms, like a way to fit in. When I started high school I started skipping school and generally misbehaving. I started smoking marijuana pretty heavily, and I was drinking most weekends. I acted pretty out of control, but things took a big turn when I was 14 and was raped in a park by an older guy who was supposed to be my 'friend'. At the time I didn't think about it, but looking back I noticed my self esteem crashed to an all time low and that was the point things started to spiral out of control. Over the next year I slept with a lot of people, started taking heavier drugs and pretty much stopped going to school. My relationship with my mother was so bad, I wanted her approval and love so much some days, then it would switch to not giving a ###$ and feeling like no one cares so what's the point.

I got into a very abusive relationship and was also still using drugs everyday. My parents kicked me out so I was isolated and living with a physically abusive boyfriend for almost a year. I lost all contact with my family during this time. When I finally escaped this guy, I moved back home. My intention was to get my life back together and my repair my relationship with my family but I just couldn't seem to do it. I started domestic violence counseling and they quickly diagnosed me with depression. I saw a psychiatrist and told him about how I'm constantly running scenarios through my head and worried people think I'm stupid, annoying and that they don't really like me. I told him it would keep me up at night thinking about these things. He diagnosed me with OCD and started me on anti-depressants. I believe they were fluvoxamine. I was emotionally a mess, I could feel my friends distancing themselves from me and I knew it was just making me even more unstable. During this period I acted incredibly recklessly with almost no regard for my life. I got into cars with strangers, drunk people, took drugs from people I didn't know. Sex with people I hated or that disgusted me, just to punish myself. I remember feeling so out of control one night I walked into the bathroom and looked high and low for a razor to cut myself just because I couldn't handle how out of control I felt. My mother and I were fighting non stop, I was getting physically violent so she left and said she wouldn't come home until I was gone. My dad told me I had to leave, and offered me money to go and never come back. I was 16. I had no where to go and I felt utterly abandoned. I stayed with a friend for a week or so and even then I didn't feel welcome. I became dangerously suicidal.

One night I took around 20 of my anti-depressants along with a bunch codeine, paracetamol, ibuprofen and basically whatever else I could find. I then sat in the shower and started trying to slice my arteries in my arms but I was so off my face I passed out before I could do any true damage apart from leave some decent scars. 2 of my friends found me and took me to hospital, long story short I was ok. The psychiatrist in hospital was a joke, she basically sat there and said 'so what's so bad about your life? You're young, pretty and your parents are still married. Why did you try and do this?' I just told her I didn't know, I'm just unbelievably sad and I hate myself. She didn't really seem too concerned and they discharged me that night! I kept going to therapy and they switched me to Zoloft which I apparently couldn't OD on.

I still wasn't good with mom so I had to move in with my aunty and pretty quickly resumed taking drugs regularly. I stopped taking my meds, I guess cos I didn't want to feel crazy. I started getting better in school and was doing well, but I got more and more depressed and didn't go often enough. I stayed in therapy for a while but then my therapist moved and I didn't bother going to see another one. I still remember going there after an all night with no sleep still on drugs.

I ended up getting a job and getting my $#%^ together and repairing my relationship with my parents. I met my current fiancé right before I turned 18 and he's a great guy and it's the healthiest relationship I've been in. We just had a son together 8 months ago and I am the happiest I've ever been. The problem is, although I am not in that totally black fog of despair anymore I still have a lot of issues that effect my day to day life. My relationship can be rocky and it's usually because of me. I go though moods where I look at my fiancé and think he's wonderful and amazing and I'm so lucky to have him and then I get a thought in my head of a minor thing he's done wrong or a bad trait and I become filled with rage. I want to physically hurt him because I get so angry. I say awful things to intentionally hurt him and try to push him away. I am constantly at war with myself on who I should be and how I should act for my son. I want to be a happy, loving mother and I don't feel all that stable at times which worries me. I haven't in a while but I used to get this overwhelming feeling of grief come over me and I would sob and sob hysterically for no particular reason. My fiancé would freak out and hold me but not know what to do. I don't think I hate myself as much anymore, but I definitely still don't feel good in my own skin.

The reason I'm here is because my mother and I were talking the other day about this very dark period and she mentioned BPD and how she really thought I had it back then. She looked into it and found out it was highly stigmatized and you couldn't be diagnosed before 18 anyway so she didn't do anything about it. I had never heard much about it and when I was reading, I found myself identifying with almost every symptom. I have been to any therapy for almost 3 years and wonder if now might be time to resume. Should I look into getting diagnosed with BPD even with the stigma? These are questions I'm asking myself, I feel like I'm constantly negative and I really want to look at myself and the world in a new light.

This is a really long post, I truly appreciate if anyone could answer so I don't feel so alone do you think it could be BPD? Or just run of the mill psycho chick? Thanks guys.

Hi, not here to diagnose but you most likely got BPD, maybe other disorders along with it, maybe even bipolar 2. You need to see a good psychologist to get a diagnosis. Just print whatever you wrote here and show it to them. I was misdiagnosed by psychiatrists until I saw a psychologist.

Stigma or not, I would go if I were you. I could believe it being BPD in a second. And no matter what it is, I believe that you would still benefit from therapy. It sounds like you've been through a lot.