Relationship; always breaking up

I always seem to want to break up with my lover, I honestly feel that I do not love them anymore and just want to break up, but when they agree to it I realise that I do want them and scared they will leave me, does this start to fade out or does it get worse? I am sure I love my partner I've just done this with all my lovers, looked for ways to break up with them, black and white thinking so I use it as an excuse to convince myself I don't want to be with them, like I done like there looks or I don't feel lovey today so I want to break up... Anyone else relate? I'd appreciate advice on how to control the urges of wanting to say something nasty to your lover to push them away... And stop breaking up ...

Hey Steviie,

I just wanted to say a couple of things. I hope they help. Even in relationships without bpd present there is an ebb and flow. Like high tide and low tide. In some relationships its more dramatic than others but it is rather natural. This is even true hormonally. After you have sex and oxytocin is released (a bonding chemical) then as it fades away it is rather normal to feel a bit sated like wanting to push the plate away after a big meal.

This might be a good time to focus on other friends or social activities. Be busy so you don't concern yourself that it means something bad like you don't want her anymore. I'm not saying ignore her but I am saying try to strike a balance. Knowing this is a pattern with yourself you might be able to say, this is normal right now and its going to change again in the very near future.

Even with people we love and think are great we need space and time and don't always feel like having sex with or loving constantly. I'm not sure how to curb the desire to say something nasty to push her away. Again maybe this is a time, noting the pattern, you could be busy with something else you find fulfilling.

I understand that space is good for a relationship but I am scared if I give too much space I might fall out of love or that my lover will leave me, it's just I go to bed happy with her no doubts and I wake up and hate her I don't live her then I get anxious and scared I might not love her and I don't wanna be having doubts I just think its the black and white thinking.. I feel like I love her deep down but panic I don't, it's been this way with previous lovers and when they break up with me I feel like an idiot I feel like why did I cause trouble, there was nothing wrong with there looks an they treated me right and I treated them wrong by breaking up with them because I did truly love them

I'm not sure how to help you stop that process. and I wasn't thinking of giving too much space like only seeing each other once a week. I was thinking more if you had something hobby friends that occupied a bit of your time it might assist in not hyperfocusing in these ways as much.

like if you play a sport with some mates. or do something that benefits you and your growth and life experiences. These things tend to make us feel better about ourselves, being physical especially is boon to mental health and self confidence. Just the exercise alone is beneficial. Obviously I know nothing about how your life is set up at the moment.

I know when I feel good about myself, feel productive and like I'm competent it tends to leak over into my relationships and how I feel about them. When I'm feeling bad that tends to leak over into my life and relationships too.

The only other thing is some of the therapy suggestions about how to deal with certain thought processes. I don't have experience with having bpd. So I may be somewhat useless to you. I was just trying to think of strategies you could employ that might help. But i guess you won't know unless you try. I think the bottom line no matter who we are is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. easier said than done. To get there though we have to try to find things that work. And that takes sometimes a leap of faith and just putting yourself into different situations. That can be stressful for anyone.

B&W thinking is probably spot on here, but possibly also as something that would be enabling need for closeness/not to be abandoned combined with fear of that same closeness because closeness = abandonment.

I've struggled with PD and B&W thinking in some areas, and have realised as you begin to make sense of stuff it does begin to break down slowly into "grey areas" (probably faster with proper treatment) but it also gets worse with stress, so the stress caused by feelings of abandonment or engulfment would exacerbate the B&W thinking too, which makes it a bit of a vicious circle.