Double Life

So basically I want to be totally honest about something because most of the time I feel as though I am living a double life. I need to get this off my chest.
I currently work in a psychiatric hospital for adolescents. I have also recently been diagnosed as BPD (3 months ago) I am under the assumption (due to the MANY assumptions that were made in my last therapy group) that where I work is detrimental to my mental health. The problem being I don't believe it actually is. But maybe I am clouding my own judgement here. I just don't know anymore.
I am definitely DEFINITELY not an egotistical person but I know I am good at my job and I enjoy what I do. I am professional and aware of boundaries and ensure patients never have any knowledge of my private life/mental health condition. I have read numerous times that those with BPD often enter the psychiatric proffession as they are caring, understanding and empathetic (fyi I wasn't aware of my PD when I began my job 3 years ago... I always knew there was something wrong but I wasn't aware of the specifics) My most recent therapist believed where I work is a constant trigger for me and I think she is right.
Many of my patients remind me so much of myself. Maybe this is a bad thing? Although I believe the fact I can relate so much is what has allowed me to be good at my job. I am finding it very hard to cope at the moment. Especially when it comes to supporting others who SH as I struggle a lot with this myself. Initially I thought it was positive I could relate so well but now I am finding it difficult to give advice on such things. I feel like such a fraud it's ridiculous. I just don't think this is the right place for me to be when I am struggling with my own issues but on the flip side I think it's the only worthwhile thing I can do as I have such an understanding. Any opinions would be great on this subject as I am very confused right now.

You do not have to allow the label of your personality disorder to bring you down and prevent you from achieving beautiful things, happiness and success in your life! Do not listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. We can achieve anything we set our hearts and minds to, we are people, and loving and sensitive people at that - just because we have BPD doesn't mean we cannot help others. In fact, I think BPD patients are capable of being the most beautiful and loyal healers.

Do you want to know what I think? I had the unfortunate experience of being hospitalized in some places, and the best nurses and staff that I came across, were not the text book types that had no clue what it was like, but those who had been through some hardships themselves and were more personal with me - there needs to be more individuals like yourself who are helping people.
Don't ever feel bad that you are using your gifts - though at times may seem like a curse - to help people, there is nothing two faced or double lifed about that, it's honourable and amazing.
Do not ever feel guilty or bad about what you have come through and what you've owned. Realize that your patients will respect you, open up to you, and trust you even more than your other co workers because you have been there.

I'm betting you too would feel more at home with someone who's experienced something similar, than with someone who hasn't. In a world where most of the mental health systems are corrupt, you can bring something beautiful to it - because you do know what it's like.

It sounds like you are self aware and honest with yourself, which is a plus!

When it comes to your own health, it's very crucial to take into consideration how you feel. I'd say list out the pros and cons. It sounds to me like it's a very big passion of yours to work there and help people. I'd say it sounds more like you are allowing other peoples fears bring you doubt.

I'm guessing SH = self harm? That worries me that you are currently indulging in this behaviour, and you would think it would not look so good being in your career if your employers or patients were to find out. That is not as professional, especially if you are working in a hospital setting. I think it is definitely something you need to work on, but in the meantime, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone struggles with something - everyone.

I don't think it's exclusive to BPD, but it is something I used to struggle with a long time ago and I treated it similarly to an addiction and was able to recover from it.
I'm not sure if you are ready to hear this, but alternative recovery methods such as the 12 steps worked great for me.

I've been working as a paramedic in training. I have a pretty extensive background however, and it was my history of alcoholism that was my employers main concern and that I confessed to.
But what they do not know, was that along with my BPD I also suffer ASPD and something wrong with my DNA makeup LoL that made me quite murderous back in the day, among other disturbing things but seriously, people change.
Naturally you would think yikes, why would you have someone like that in the job of healing people and being around injuries?

But do you want to know how healing people helped me?

Because when I began to learn about anatomy of the human body, it made me appreciate the inner workings of the human body. I no longer viewed the body as just a meaningless blob of flesh (that was so easy to harm). I got to see and learn that the human body was so complex and beautiful, like this beautiful matrix of creation, and that in itself seemed so intricately designed that it only proved to me the existence of a soul, and to me that is more important than anything! And so beautiful!
I need to have faith as without it I am a basket case.
When I learned about first aid, my focus was no longer destructing myself or others, but was to help them. It's simple really - when my focus is to heal, I no longer have any room to focus on negativity.

Granted my recovery did not happen from taking a first aid course, nor did it happen overnight.

I think to work there you would need to set a good example and if you continue to work in that career you might learn to, and because of this, it might help you.

You started this question off about your career placement, but the real issue is what you are struggling with, granted if you found a way to cope with it properly, you wouldn't need to choose between your job and what you love to do.

You may be around people who harm themselves, but if you think about it, though it may trigger you, it should also make you feel responsible for proving to them that they can get through it. You would think that this in itself would make you feel stronger in yourself to overcome your problem.
But I guess if its making you feel weaker, then you might have to accept its not a good fit for you right now.
In all, it's up to you. I'm just throwing words around on a computer screen to help you brainstorm ideas, I hope you sort it all out!

Thank you for your reply I agree that those who have experience themselves are MUCH more understanding that those who have not. Not that those who have not had experience with mental illness, or BPD specifically are not good at there job, I know many people who are, however I do think personal experience is completely invaluable in dealing with something so confusing and painful.

I was also hospitalized after a series of overdoses last year and although it was an incredibly difficult and bizzare experience (considering where I work) the staff who I bonded with the most were the ones who had clearly been through things themselves.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I think you're right when you say it can be a 'gift' in helping other people. And it is something I do very much enjoy. It honestly is the most fulfilling place I have worked. I also know I am not the only member of staff there who is currently dealing with mental health problems so that does help me to feel less alone although I think that the stigma that goes along with BPD is still so prevelant within the MH services (as well as ASPD actually) and some of the comments i've heard people make, for eg 'Oh brilliant, ANOTHER PD!' 'BPD doesn't even exist, it's attention seeking' etc etc gives a very narrow 'us and them' approach between the staff and patients and that is SO not how it really is. I think this is what I find quite difficult.

I also think you're right that I am allowing other peoples fears dictate where I can and cannot work. My parents, my therapist, my boyfriend have all said numerous times 'you need to get out of there, it's not doing you any good' but I really don't think that is the case. When I am at work I am far too preoccupied with the patients to think about myself, and when I am feeling particularly #######5 I just don't go in (God I sound like a stand up employee don't I!? Ha)

Yes self harm is still a massive issue for me, I am in constant fear that staff or patients will find out and if that ever happened I don't know what I would do to be honest. I really do want to stop but it is a massive addiction for me.

BPD, ASBP, HPD, NPD, they are all just labels at the end of the day and you are right, people do change, as you clearly have and that gives me a lot of hope so thank you.
And I know this won't happen over night, I think I am still stuck on the whole 'is my career doing me more damage than good' thing, but I think that I will stick with it for as long as possible as it's something that helps me feel whole and not totally empty.
Thanks again and good luck with the paramedic training!

I work in the mental health field as well. The best advice that I have is to make sure that you're not taking work home with you. Sure there will be days that you'll be worried about someone who isn't doing well. Just make sure that that is not every day. Practice a lot of self care in order to help cope with a highly emotional job.

I work in a little different capacity. My job is to work openly as someone who has lived experience with mental health difficulties. I have worked in other positions where this is not the case and have had to hide it the best I can. Though that usually isn't done too well as my arms are pretty scarred up from past SH. I've always found it to be an asset. As you said, you can relate to what they're going through. That's one reason why the "peer movement" is gaining so much ground in a lot of states, as it is found to be extremely helpful.

I work in a secure ICU so it is quite intense a lot of the time. However, the intensity is what helps me focus on others and I literally have zero time in the day to be preoccupied with myself so I think it's actually a plus. But yes, I will admit I do take certain things home with me at times. Depending on the situation and considering I'm such an emotional person anyway I do find it difficult to compartmentalize. I am working on this though.

SH scars are a pain in the arse and long sleeves are definitely a necessity at work! But I guess that would be the case in any job really considering the stigma and judgements attatched. Your job sounds very interesting and something I would like to get involved with in the future. Unfortunatly I live in the UK and I don't think there is much of a 'peer movement' over here which is a bit rubbish!

You may be a high-functioning BPD

What are the general differences between the two?

Ophelia333 wrote:So basically I want to be totally honest about something because most of the time I feel as though I am living a double life. I need to get this off my chest.
I currently work in a psychiatric hospital for adolescents. I have also recently been diagnosed as BPD (3 months ago) I am under the assumption (due to the MANY assumptions that were made in my last therapy group) that where I work is detrimental to my mental health. The problem being I don't believe it actually is. But maybe I am clouding my own judgement here. I just don't know anymore.
I am definitely DEFINITELY not an egotistical person but I know I am good at my job and I enjoy what I do. I am professional and aware of boundaries and ensure patients never have any knowledge of my private life/mental health condition. I have read numerous times that those with BPD often enter the psychiatric proffession as they are caring, understanding and empathetic (fyi I wasn't aware of my PD when I began my job 3 years ago... I always knew there was something wrong but I wasn't aware of the specifics) My most recent therapist believed where I work is a constant trigger for me and I think she is right.
Many of my patients remind me so much of myself. Maybe this is a bad thing? Although I believe the fact I can relate so much is what has allowed me to be good at my job. I am finding it very hard to cope at the moment. Especially when it comes to supporting others who SH as I struggle a lot with this myself. Initially I thought it was positive I could relate so well but now I am finding it difficult to give advice on such things. I feel like such a fraud it's ridiculous. I just don't think this is the right place for me to be when I am struggling with my own issues but on the flip side I think it's the only worthwhile thing I can do as I have such an understanding. Any opinions would be great on this subject as I am very confused right now.

I guess it depends how you look at it, I think that a mental health professional who actually has/had BPD can relate and understand patients better than someone who just studied it and has no idea what it feels like...and yes I think it makes you good at your job.

My previous psychiatrist was really nasty to me, condescending, acting as if I did something wrong saying.." I don't think you're depressed or bi-polar I think it's just your personality" back then I took it as she said it..didn'\t know what BPD was so I asked her " What you mean my personality?! are you blaming me for being depressed?!" she just looked at me with that stone cold uncaring face..so I told her " You should be thankful you don't go through the hell I'm going through every single day, you have no idea what it feels like do you?.." She said- thankfully I don't"....when I got out of her office I was a mess....I transferred to a diff psychiatrist since and thank god got an excellent psychologist because I was losing faith in everything already..last thing you want is an uncaring, selfish bish of a psychiatrist ;o/

I think you're in the right place just don't look at it as a hypocrisy, look at it as a benefit for your patients...

Ophelia333 wrote:What are the general differences between the two?

Here's a recent thread on the subject: borderline-personality/topic102916.html?hilit=high%20functioning

Joyce-BPD wrote:You may be a high-functioning BPD

Yep I was high-functioning too but that was 6 years ago, worked in a hospital as well, in security, saw so much... but I was one of the best employees because I could function under highly stressful situations with ease, the anxiety actually turned into positive adrenaline at work and then I would start drinking and partying on weekends so I can relieve all that stress and tension...