Empty. Really though. /vent/trigger/

I have had some great revelations about myself. I've also had some not so good ones. Today, and over the last few weeks, it has been more bad than good.
I thought I knew what I wanted to be. I have come to realize that any career prospects are actually all a lie. They were based off of who I idealized at the time, not a true passion that I had. There is no "me." I don't have multiple interests, I have a sense of being lost.

Here I am, almost done with my degree, and I have nothing to show for it because when I graduate, I will not be considered marketable enough to guarantee that I'll find a decent job. I COULD get a job, sure. But the probability of it is slim to none. The options are minimal regarding fixing this.
It is through deep thinking that it truly occured to me that I am empty. I am no one.
The only reason I picked this career was because I wanted to be like people who did it. The thing is, the odds are stacked against me, and now, I realize that I made a horrible mistake.

it really sucks, you know? I don't know what choices are mine or which ones belong to the child who only wants to be like the mother she never had, or the current idealized person in their life.
i tried to think about what subject i'd go into if i could go back and start college over. i want to say that i would go back and go into counseling or psychology. but i know that's a lie. i would never have wanted that had i never met my current therapist, who i currently idealize, and who is my whole world. can i catch the behavior? yes. can i stop it from happening? no.

who AM i?
what AM i going to do with my life?
i'm going to be 23 and i should have done this about 4 years ago.
i really don't know how to fix this.
this is going to be why i work a dead end job at a grocery store the rest of my life.

normal people tell me how discovering who i am is a process
i tell them that even finding my core is a process
i think i find it
and guess what?
i didn't.
and it just keeps starting over and over again.

evhoney -

i know this quagmire that you find yourself in. my career and my degree have nothing to do with me. wanna laugh? i was a manager at a restaurant and really liked one of my co-workers. we flirted A LOT. but of course, he was taken and i was in the idealization stage and therefore clueless. we went to the same uni and he was discussing his career path...so in true BPD style, i got his social security number from his paperwork and registered for his major and all of his classes. so what happened? i show up for the first week of school and he's dropped all of the classes and switched majors. ha!

i stayed and finished out the degree as it was fun and added a new dimension to my life. it also catapulted me into my current career, which i also did...for two other men in my life. it just goes to show that success comes in strange packages. keep your head up hon. if i turned my lemons into lemonade, i assure you you can make limoncello!

e-hugs,

wineaux

I have also done this. I have an associate's degree in graphic design, along with psychology. I chose graphic design right out of high school as I idealized my english teacher at the time who was big into making movies. I wanted to be a film editor (I even took an independent study during high school with him as my teacher) It wasn't like an idealize/love type of thing, I just admired him a great deal, and would have loved to have his life. Anyways, I decided to go into graphic design as I could always get a job designing covers for DvD's as well as posters and such and then from there go to school for film editing. Let me just tell you, I can't draw AT ALL. That is no exaggeration. It is very odd to see someone at an art school who can't draw. A teacher had to teach me how to trace different shapes from a bunch of different pictures so that I could actually create something. This was completely idealized degree. I have done nothing with it since I got it, besides a very short internship right after graduation in which I determined once and for all, that I am not a graphic design person.

It was a couple of years after that that I went back to school for psychology. All during high school my dream was to build my own psych. hospital/residential program. I would still like to do that at some point in life.

Thanks guys.
I really hope that this degree takes me somewhere.
It has to, or i'm screwed
ugh.
I hate BPD SO MUCH.