Stuck *describing feelings, possible trigger?*

Hey all, I haven't been around in awhile. Just been managing as best I can, but now I find that I'm stuck in a very negative thought pattern, and it's difficult to break. I thought I'd come here for some support and maybe just ideas of how to get out of this ugly thought cycle.

I've had more anxiety than usual the last week or so, being triggered by a situation that's better off not mentioned here for now, and also one I can't do anything about.

The feelings it's leaving me with are ones of just plain feeling unloved and lonely.
It makes me tear up all the time, and I keep thinking about how everyone else I know still has their parents to turn to, or siblings who love them, or friends or others who would be there for them in case of emergency. I tend to panic and imagine the worst (for instance: I have a healthy husband with a job that's been stable for the 13 years he's worked there, but I get suddenly gripped with the fear that he will die and I will be left homeless with nowhere to go. This is how extreme my thoughts become in an instant). I have friends, but none who I feel would be there for me, were I to suddenly find myself out on the street. It's frightening to think about.

Beyond that, I start to become filled with rage, and the thoughts of past friends who have betrayed me come to my mind. I get the sudden urge to contact them and tell them how much I hate them and hope they die painfully. It feels like so much unfinished business, especially when I was the one who did the right thing by leaving an abusive friendship quietly, rather than scream at them THEN...Does that make sense? I start to feel like having done the right thing was the WRONG thing to have done, because I have so many unresolved feelings of hurt and anger toward them I wish I had let off with once and for all. It's difficult to sit with all of that while I'm in this kind of funk.

Anyway, the trigger that's causing me to sort of wallow in this isn't going away any time soon, so I have to find some other way to cope. I suppose it being dark and gloomy and rainy out isn't helping this. My usual way to tackle this kind of thing is to go outside and take a long walk as a distraction. It's been dogging me for the last few days. Feeling like the most isolated person in the world. I hate it. I just hate feeling this way and wanted to come here and see if anyone would respond, so I don't feel so alone.

Thanks guys, I hope someone reads this and might have something helpful to say. I really appreciate it.

You are not alone, and I feel many the things you described. I really have a hard time coping with things myself right about now. I try to work more and allow myself more escapism, AKA movies gallore. I think when something else consumes your attention the BPD cannot.

I'd hug you hard if I were there with you, we could have a grovelling in problems party.

Be well, I hope someone has some advice for you... meanwhile, you are SO not alone.

Thank you, Pinkie, it's definitely nice not to feel totally alone.
I'm living in a place where I can't get much help for myself (at least without spending mega-bucks), so I kind of have to figure it out as best I can by myself, and that's definitely a challenge!!!

Thanks for the hug, and hugs to you, too! ^_^ I hope you can make it through the lowest lows, too! I did rent some movies a few days ago, so maybe I'll start watching them, since I'm otherwise feeling creatively drained (that's what I usually spend my time on).