Seeking advice for Friend making

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:

the other me wrote:I cant understand just about anything a non does or says becasue they have so much to say about nothing. Talk, talk, talk and nothing meaningful to say.

I find this to be SO TRUE. nons talk about the most BORING things....endlessly.... over and over and over.... ugh it drives me nuts. never anything interesting or of depth to say.

^This is true.

I can kind of make friends, but most of people tend to be too boring so it's frustrating

How do you find fun people in the society? ?.?

I think it's just trial and error. Talk to a bunch of people and you're bound to find someone eventually.

Take up a team hobby. I found most of my 'fun' close friends through orchestra.

lol idk. I'm trying to figure it out myself. Girls are easy to find. It's the exciting yet not a partier men that are hard.

I don't know how I manage to make friends. I find making friends and getting boyfriends (usually) to be easy. It's keeping them that's a problem.

Then again, the majority of my friends seem to have come to me. People (usually guys, but not always) just start talking to me at random. I don't want to be rude, and while I like to be left alone I also get lonely, so I respond accordingly. Sometimes my brain drifts when I really am interested in what the person pouring their heart out to me is saying-rarely do I let on that I spaced out-so my auto-pilot mirrors the person talking (frowning when they do, laughing when they do, or saying "mm-hmm, yeah, no" or whatever seems appropriate to their behaviour. I find I let them do most of the talking.

I don't have many close friends. I have more acquaintances than I do friends. The close friends that I do have, we rarely talk to each-other. We all have something "wrong" with us and don't feel the need to be in each-others pockets all the time, so it works. We're also forgiving of each-others moods. I don't let many people too close, because I feel 1) I'm boring and 2) Not many people can handle my brand of "crazy" (although I think I'm quite sane, I'm regularly reminded just how "different" I am from everyone else.)

On occasion, I'll spot somebody who I want to get to know. Usually based off something they're wearing, or a conversation I overhear. Or maybe I'm just attracted to something about that person. If it's say, a top hat, I'll approach them and say "Oh my gosh, I love your hat! I've been looking for a good top hat for years!! Where did you find that?" or if I'm nearby people having a conversation where I just have to say something, I'll blurt it out. It doesn't always lead to making new friends, but it often does lead to a conversation. Rarely do I have people look at me strange or think I'm rude for approaching them. Sometimes, but not often. I find people think the "quirks" of a BPD to be funny (in a good way), charming, or cute.

Again, I have very few close friends. I'm the one who keeps people at a distance, I suppose because I don't want to be bothered most of the time. I can't stand the sound of phones ringing, or even vibrating, and I find receiving a bunch of texts to be invasive. Sometimes I get in moods where I feel like nobody cares about me, then I remember I'm the one who holds them at bay. Idk, usually if I see somebody I who triggers the "You're going to be my next boyfriend" or "You're going to be my new best friend" thoughts in my head, we automatically become friends and things progress from there.

But yeah, keeping boyfriends and keeping a friend that I spend a lot of time with...that's the real challenge, at least for me.

Sorry for rambling!

IM 42 and have bpd and have always had trouble keeping friends getting both friends and GF's is so easy ..but then I think I'm very intense and i expect that back then when they don't ring or reply etc i get the feeling of being hurt then in the end ditch them ... Ive done the joining clubs etc and even at work and you know ive been everything from a firefighter to working in Antarctica for 2 years so both of them are close knit ..you would think I would have made great friends and yes i did have friends but where are they now ?? its both strange and complicated

Like you When I see someone I want as a friend I go for it 100% the same with GF's but then keeping them is a problem ... may be its the abandon them before they abandon me ... Also and i hope its ok writing this , but most my friends are female and its as if its easier for me to have a sexual friendship than not , dont know if that makes sense to you .. its as if the extra strong emotion of that type of relationship is easier .. once you have bonded in that way everything else is just so open
OR
Am i just using that to feel another void ?? who knows

But for me at the moment the friendship issue is my most pressing issue and its one i feel im loosing

but never give up

stephenb wrote: once you have bonded in that way everything else is just so open
OR
Am i just using that to feel another void ?? who knows

Maybe you are. I used to feel that sex brought me closer to the person.

Now it just makes me feel used.

I feel I've "been around the block" a few too many times. It makes me feel shame. I also view sharing sex as "giving [that person] power over" me. Maybe I've been brain-washed by my mother.

Also, if I've been physically intimate with a male friend, once I have a boyfriend I end up "losing" the male friend because I'm a jealous person-I assume my boyfriend is too. I don't like my men having close friendships with women, especially women he's slept with. So I display the same respect to him that I'd want him to show me.

look for someone with yout interests like a tracky; nerd, criminologist, filmbuff etc

not having sex with someone can increase the attraction only more

One thing that i learned in life is that you always meet the kinds of people who are similar to yourself. It's logical and can even be proven....

So the question who you want to be is the same question as who you want to have as friends/love interests and vice versa.

I mean, like, you like people who have a social vein. Then start to volunteer. You will like yourself better... and you will meet people who have at least one attribute you like. And you now have something to bond over.

I have had the best experiences in finding friends in college clubs and groups. First place to look is a tutoring lounge, then find interest groups that would bond you like love of movies, social activism like LBGT or other minority rights groups, and quirk games like tabletop RPG's, boeardgames, or videogames. The people you would meet in any of those groups would often be a mix of various quirk personalities who would show a majority of tolerance and even love of the quirks of others.

Of course, finding friends in general is just a matter of being out of your house and in places where others are looking to socialize. As many others posted here, keeping friends is hard.

Am I to understand though that in this community it's common to abandon others because you fear being abandoned? Does that include ignoring them when they call or text you? Cause if so, WTF? Why would you ignore someone randomly if them leaving you makes you feel like $#%^? It's just a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. If I found out that the people who stopped returning my phone calls and texts and dropped off the face of the earth were also BPD and that that's why they let me go, I don't know how long it would take to surgically remove my face from my palm.

Edit:
Follow up question. Would an interest meetup group for people with BPD (without a therapist present) be a good thing, or a recipe for disaster from the number of sudden roller-coaster relationships that would form? IOW, do we tend to be really good for each other, or problematic?