Do you want to get better?

I do to some extent, but not really.

I feel like it's the only thing I am and without BPD I'd really be nothing.

Sometimes I have felt that if I didn't have the emotional pain I wouldn't have any emotion at all, so I just embrace the pain.

But there is more, because once in awhile I can find it. Its just easy to forget when all there is is pain.

The only thing I can say is that. Is the day I realized what true unconditional love that would last forever was. Was the day that I knew I would never be afraid of being alone again. I remember very vividly sitting alone in all of my shame. Shame that I hid from everyone for fear that people would hate me if they knew my secrets. I believe I was undiagnosed npd. I was sitting in the dark and was thinking how bad everyone was hurting me all of the time. Then for some unknown reason I thought to myself. If I feel like this I wonder what my ex wife must have felt like. It was at that moment that I felt a rush inside my mind and the tears came non stop. The tears weren't for me. The tears were for my ex wife as I honestly felt her pain and understood the incredible strength it took her to walk away from me. My omnipotence was gone. I felt real empathy for the first time in my life. I promised myself that I would think about how my actions would make people around me feel before I would act. People didn't trust me for a long time because they would think it was a scam I was pulling. I just kept up treating people well and caring about how they felt. That was 20 years ago. It was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. It was well worth the effort I put into it because now I feel like I can be who I really am and people still love me. The way I am treated today by the people around me feels great. I am happy and wouldn't change who I am for anything.

One benefit seems to be that I can turn the empathy off at will when a situation forces me to. I still remember exactly how to flip that switch. I don't like to do it but when forced into survival mode its nice to know the switch is there.

When the empathy is turned on my life is so much more full of joy and happiness. The way people treat me is wonderful. The best part is that the person that loves me unconditionally and will do it forever. IS ME!

I find that the moments I feel I'm getting better and improving, I do something to sabotage my progress.

So deep down, part of me holds onto my disorder like a security blanket; the only thing that gives me some sort of identity. Without it, I'd be invisible and disappear.

I wish I could feel different because its painful to live this way.

nevergoodenough wrote:I do to some extent, but not really..

very sharp question, this. You could almost equate it to Stockholm syndrome - we've bonded with our captor.
Years ago I read a BPD's 'recovery' story, in which the woman said she had to 'let the borderline child in her die', in order to make progress in her recovery...

Most of the times i don´t know what is "getting better", because this disorder is so present in my existence that i don´t know just if i´m getting better or it´s just a temporary peacefull moment, or it´s just that i´m really copping well, or if it just external inputs that are helping me and making all the work....
This is going to be a life battle. I started training muay thay just to make my spirit stronger, like a fighter. I control a lot of my aspects of my life but i still can´t cope with some porn addiction and temporary emotional setbacks.
But we all want to get better. Sometimes we didn´t believe that is it possible, but with time i saw somethings getting better. But we all have a lot to do, and we will always have to struggle with this until we die.

my behaviour was better for a long time
now it's a lot wors and i feel a lot better
(once again i don't agree with my diagnosis)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzlpTRNIAvc

I want nothing more than to get better and lead a normal life. Not be codependant either. I'm making progress. The borderline child in me (had to steal your awesomely worded words jhp) keeps pulling me back. I gotta move beyond this As hard as it is.

Good question. I think it depends on the day and how I'm feeling. Some days, I'm all about moving forward and making changes to my life, and other days I feel like nothing is ever going to get better so why bother trying?

Talk about black and white thinking!

I only want to change the habits that are negative on me (emotionally destructive to myself, no self worth, ect). Some good traits that stem from this disorder (loyalty, compassion, ect) I want to keep. So yes, I want to get better, but only on the bad parts of me.

Cheze2 wrote:Some days, I'm all about moving forward and making changes to my life, and other days I feel like nothing is ever going to get better so why bother trying?

Talk about black and white thinking!

^yep, exactly