This isn't just any rant....

...this is a screaming, throw myself on the floor and pound it with my fists kinda rant. This may trigger, or just irritate you so beware...

So yesterday I told my useless disgusting boyfriend to get the hell out of my house as the resentment of him telling me last week that he had been cheating on me for 5 months of our relationship and then going back to sleep with the whore a month after he had stopped cheating on me bubbled over.

I feel disgusting because of what HE has done, I hate myself and want to rip my own face off because I feel so damn ugly. I want to take a knife and cut each and every bit of fat off my body because I feel fat and disgusting. I feel so STUPID because the girl TOLD me this ages ago but he managed to talk me round acting like the girl was just trying to cause trouble but it has constantly niggled away at me for all this time and he eventually admitted it all. I feel stupid that I actually believed someone could love me enough to be faithful to me, to believe he was my soul mate and my best friend. To shower him with all the love I could (which as you know is A LOT) to help him through all his $#%^, to support him financially, basically do everything I could for him to find out that I was just a love sick puppy following around some guy who was happy to stick his prick in another girl!

So anyway, that was yesterday....I have my Son staying with me for a few days and I had my panel meeting today for this group therapy I've been referred to so my friend looked after him for me. That went ok....I was terrified but made it through, cried a lot during it because I had to talk about stuff I struggle with but they voted me in and I start properly with them next week.

Then I had to go and see the Psychiatrist, it was a new one as the one I have seen before has left. Now this man has infuriated me. I was already having a bad day as I was so anxious about the meeting and upset and angry over the split...I'm feeling massively suicidal at the minute and do you know what this bastard told me?????????? 'You're an adult now and it's your responsibility to keep yourself safe' WTF?!?!?!?! If I could do that I wouldn't be sat in his office in the first place would I?? What the hell does this man get paid £100,000 a year for if THAT is his answer??? I asked about meds and he said he could give me anti-Ds to which I told him I had told the old psych they did nothing for me and he read his notes which confirmed that he did not recommend them either. But the old Psych has talked about anti psychotics to help with impulsivity and i know people can take mood stabilizers too but he just said this is psychological and i have been referred to the correct service so i don't need to see a psychiatrist anymore. I told him I don't know how I am going to keep myself alive until this therapy starts helping me and he basically just said there was nothing he could do. At which point I got up, stormed out and slammed the door as damn hard as I could.

So what now? What do I do now? Why won't he help me??? This therapy once a week isn't going to help me right now!

i'm stunned...speechless...disgusted. my heart goes out to you hon!!! i echo littlearcher's sentiments.

((((HUGS))))!!!!

littlearcher thanks so much for your reply and I appreciate anything you have to say...

I'm so sad right now, so empty yet so consumed by all these thoughts, feelings and the visions of him doing that to me. I'm hurting real bad and just want anything that can even take the edge off a little bit, I'm not asking for a magical cure, although that would be great lol, I've at least got to be realistic about this but I can't even get that!

Why would he be refusing me meds? I just don't understand? I'm starting to sound like I'm desperate for them but I guess I kind of am, I'm not the type to want to take meds it took them months to convince me to take anti-ds when i first started them because i don't like taking tablets!

These people KNOW I have a history of self harm and about 6 suicide attempts, granted only one was a real 'we don't know if she will make it' but they don't know that the next one wont be the one when I don't make it, and I don't know that either.

No my Son doesn't live with me full time, he did up until a year ago when I took the big OD and his dad fought me in court for custody and won, another thing I hang my head in shame about!

I have stayed in a place like that before and lasted 2 nights, it didn't help me only left me banging my head against walls, i felt totally isolated and there wasn't any therapy type stuff available there so I didn't see the benefit, I felt exactly the same and had I wanted to attempt suicide then I could have.

I'm in the UK so I don't know if you will know the answer but can I demand to be trialed on meds? I need to do something before I do something I will regret (or won't depending on the outcome)

Thank you both for your kindness x

maybewhoknows - It is so difficult to feel betrayed by the very same people who are supposed to be your biggest support. I have also felt betrayed and rejected by therapists and psychiatrists. For some reason, I also believed that doctors and therapists had some innate reason to be more compassionate towards me, which made me much more vulnerable in my interactions with them. They had the same ability to hurt me as much as a partner or close family member.

With BPD, we are so much more attuned to the small things that can betray their true feelings when they are with us (we can recognize more quickly if they are annoyed by us, for example). I think that makes it all that much more difficult to keep going - how can we trust our treatment in someone who we don't feel really cares or thinks we are just being dramatic?

I don't know why I placed so much trust in the medical community. I assumed that they would always have my best interest in mind, and would always be able to see past my actions and disease and forgive me. For me, personally, I really had to steel myself when I recently returned to therapy, because four years ago I vowed never to see another therapist. I steeled myself by reminding myself constantly "this person is just human. They may not like me because I look like a girl they disliked in high school. They may be preoccupied with their sick kid and not 100% invested in what I have to say today. I may remind them of a past patient who they had a bad experience with." While that is not fair, and people who work in mental health do have a burden to be way more compassionate than people in other fields, it is not always the case. They are not always compassionate, they are not always nice, and they are not always right.

The things your psychologist said to you make me upset for you. It is not what you needed to hear. You need someone with compassion because you are very obviously hurting and struggling right now.

Is there any way you can ask for a new psychologist or therapist?

Thanks for your replies guys. After the appointment yesterday I rang the number that was on the letter for the appointment and got through to the Psych team and told them in no uncertain terms what I thought of the Psychiatrist I had seen and told them I wanted another appointment with a different Psych, the man said he would speak with the psychiatrist I had seen and would get a secretary to ring me back the following day (today) to make another appointment for me. Well guess what? Nobody rang, just typical!

So Monday morning I am going to ring them back, hell hath no fury like a Borderline scorned haha!

The mental health services are a load of my bum! I diagnosed myself before those lot did, and their getting paid a hell of a lot more than me!

As you may be able to tell I am feeling slightly empowered at the moment, it probably won't last long so who knows whether I will make the call on Monday but I need to do something!

Thanks again for your replies