just need to rant

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry this might just irritate some people - i'm prepping you for a long miserable depressing rant. if you dont want to listen to someone whinge, look away now! lol.

My life is such a ######6 mess it isnt even funny. its actually a joke. i mean, what is the point? I just found out i've been discharged from the mental health support service because i havent been in contact. I mean jesus christ how stupid do you need to be? I've been diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and anxiety, and a differential diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Knowing all this, you'd think that if someone slipped off the radar for a few months its likely to be because they are struggling and cant handle contact. But no, TRAINED PROFFESSIONALS have discharged me from their service because i'm not reliable enough for them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

and the joke is i'm most angry at myself. it wouldnt have been hard to have just called them and explained whats going on. but i'm too lazy and dont give a $#%^ enough about anything to do that simple thing. its like the other day - i missed a very important exam at uni. in fact all year i've been missing very important sessions. I havent done half of my coursework, i've missed loads of lectures. i'm clearly going to fail because i'm too ######6 useless to function in this world. I cant hold down a job so i'm constantly poor. I'm living in the UK under a government that seems intent on punishing the most vulnerable members of society for the recession, so all my funding is being cut. to everything. i'm in this horrible state of powerlessness and poverty because i'm too stupid and useless to just function like a normal human.

I hate being like this. i hate myself. I jsut want to be normal. I'm a clever girl, I have potential, I can see it right there, and i'm enrolled on my dream course. But this illness is ######6 me up.

I'm angry all the time. I'm tired all the time. I'm depressed ALL OF THE TIME. i just want it to end and leave me alone so i can get on with being the person that i'm meant to be.so i can stop ######6 my life up.

honestly, my life is just a joke. I've got hardly any friends. not ones i really trust anyway. I'm so poor i can even afford food this week. I have no home and no way of getting a home independently (partly because the bloody housing system in this country is a complete joke) so i'm living with my mother who is a NIGHTMARE and whose continual abuse is the cause of this illness in the first place. I can even look after my dog properly because i dont have the energy...i'm just such a pathetic excuse for a human. I dont even look after myself properly!! i dont shave my legs regularly, my skin is sallow and ill looking, showering takes more effort than is normal, my room is a complete tip. Everything i touch becomes messy and chaotic.

Words cannot express how much i hate myself and my life. i see no future for me in anything because i'm so useless and crap. i cant see that i'll ever have a career or a family or a nice house. the only thing i want to do is drink and party, because i need to hide from what this really is, from how it feels to me. i need to get away from it. and i need to let all this fury out and blow off some steam.

People HATE it when i talk about how angry i am at the world and at myself and at EVERYTHING. they hate it when i tell them i'm sad or depressed, or when i express things. My own brother walks away from me when i tell him i'm struggling. My mother tells me off and makes me feel ashamed for being angry. I ALWAYS try to be polite and sociable and tell people their suggestions and reflection on me and my life are right, and tell them they've made a difference to me, but actually ###$ OFF!!! you havent made a difference to me, i feel like $#%^, my life is making me furious and miserable and i am sick of pretended otherwise.

I want to tell the whole world to go ###$ ITSELF.

it isnt fair that i feel like this. it wasnt my fault the $#%^ happened to my in my childhood to make me like this. it isnt fair that i live in misery as the result of irresponsible, selfish and harmful adults who ###$ with me. i dont see why i should have to carry this ######6 pain everywhere with me.

and my friends have the audacity to tell me to do something for myself, to try to lift myself out of it. they have no idea. I'm trying to get qualifications, to find housing, i'm in therapy which i pay for out of what little money i have because the support offered by the NHS is crap. i'm doing everything i can, but then this bloody illness rears its ugly head, and i either go manic or so depressed i cant fucntion, and everything goes to $#%^.

i'm tired of having to pretend that i'm fine. i'm ######6 furious and i deserve to be. and i'm ######6 miserable too. so ###$ YOU!!

I read your post. I am so sorry to hear that, and that is really pissing off that they discharged you.
But you are better than me.... So don't lose your hope.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and for what you're going through. But you're not useless. I know you feel useless (believe me, I feel the same way, all too often), but you're not. The fact that the government would rather support cutesy causes than help its own people who really need it, is not your fault. Sadly, that's not an anomaly of the UK - many countries are hesitant to provide sufficient help for those with mental illnesses. But the point is, it's not your fault, and it's not because you're "useless", as you claim to be.

I know how hard it is, when you're feeling bad, to have people around you tell you "buck up" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or some other equally useless cliché. They don't get that we don't get depressed by choice. It's not like we wake up in the morning and say "gee, it's such a glorious morning. The sun's shining, the birds are singing. I think I'll make a pot of coffee, have some breakfast, go for a jog, and then spend the rest of the day wanting to kill myself."

When we are shiny happy people, they're our biggest fans. They hang around us, we're fun people, they're there for us through thick and thin, and all that good stuff. The minute we become depressed, they're nowhere to be found. They won't even come by and ask "hey, are you okay?" They just avoid us like we're lepers. And yet, once our depression ends, if we don't treat them like best friends again, even after they shunned us, it's somehow our fault. I've never understood that part of it. But, like many here, including you, I know how it feels.

So, even if you skipped over the rest of my rambling (which I highly suggest), I hope you take these two things away from this:

1. You're not alone, and more importantly,
2. YOU'RE NOT USELESS. Did I stress that enough?

Hey,

Wow...just read my rant back to myself. luckily i'm out of the thick of it enough to find it slightly amusing now, in particular the way i just sign off with ###$ YOU!! hehehe

thank you for your responses. Jonny, you made me want to hug you. Little archer, you brought a tear to my eye (in a good way). Its nice to know there are people out there that feel the same as i do from time to time xx

-- Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:54 pm --

yyy, why (no pun intended) do you feel that i am better than you? are you having a rough time too? feel free to share. x