Jealousy

I don't know if it has anything to do with BPD, but I really hope someone can help me or give me some insights.

In every friendship, I devote myself completely to that person. They're usually the only one for me, but of course they'll have other friends and other people to care about. This gives me some issues - I get immensely jealous and I have a hard time pretending I'm not. I'm jealous of their other friends and tend to hate them without knowing them. I feel easily threatened in my relationships or otherwise and it makes me act out in ways I don't really want to.

It's tiring and draining to feel so jealous and threatened all the time. I'm constantly worried my friend will pick someone else over me, convinced that every minute they spend with them rather than me is proof that I'm not good enough for them and they want to get rid of me. That makes me panic and act out to get their attention, but it rarely ends well. I feel this constant need to be someone else's number one as they are mine, and it's as if I mean nothing to them if I'm not their number one.

I tried the approach of getting to know those other friends, but that doesn't help. I also tried making other friends, but I can't commit to more than one person on that level. There's one person, and they mean the world to me, and it leaves no place for anyone else no matter how hard I try.

I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel that way, and I don't want to give my friend the feeling that they're doing something wrong when it's my fault. I don't want to lose them because of it.

I know you guys can't fix this, but maybe you've got some advice on how to deal with it?

I'm wondering whether you have Dependent Personality Disorder as well as BPD? DPD is where a person over-relies on other people to make decisions for them and soothe them etc etc. A person with DPD doesn't think they're capable of making decisions on their own or really achieve anything-the antidote to this is CBT..basically set the person goals to make them more independent and autonomous. Plus assertiveness training too. I think you have a fear that you're not good enough and you end up projecting this fear onto this friend-that when they hang out with their other friends, that it means you're "not good enough". It would be interesting for you to explore where you got the notion that you're not good enough into your head in the first place-whether it was a parent criticising you or bullying perhaps? Something like that?

Reading your post reminds me of me. I am independent however have attachment issues which can be tied in with the complexities of BPD.

Maybe check out attachment disorders aswell as Serenity's DPD suggestion and see what feel right for you.

Happy to PM chat if you wish to discuss attachment. I'm in a TC now and it is helping me have massive realisations

Take care
MB

serenity333 wrote:I'm wondering whether you have Dependent Personality Disorder as well as BPD? DPD is where a person over-relies on other people to make decisions for them and soothe them etc etc. A person with DPD doesn't think they're capable of making decisions on their own or really achieve anything-the antidote to this is CBT..basically set the person goals to make them more independent and autonomous. Plus assertiveness training too. I think you have a fear that you're not good enough and you end up projecting this fear onto this friend-that when they hang out with their other friends, that it means you're "not good enough". It would be interesting for you to explore where you got the notion that you're not good enough into your head in the first place-whether it was a parent criticising you or bullying perhaps? Something like that?

I looked into DPD and it's true that I recognise a lot. I'm always being told by my mother that when I was little, my dad would always carry me around and pamper me, way too much for my own good. I remember my parents being very loving when I was a child, and apparently they were always telling me they loved me too. I felt very safe. But my mom does tell me that as a kid, I was always crying and when they asked me why I was crying, I said I didn't know. After a while, my mom would get sick of it and slap me (not hit me, just slap me) 'to give me a reason to cry'. When she tells me this now and I express my amazement at that idea, she said she'd only do that after the tenth time or so, and I cried a lot and they were exasperated.

When I hit puberty, that changed. My parents turned 180 degrees - suddenly I couldn't tell them anything anymore. Nothing I did was good enough, and I always felt like they were comparing me to my older sister and I just never could live up to her. I struggled a lot during puberty and I couldn't confide in them. We were always fighting and they barely seemed to tolerate me. Our opinions differed on every conceivable subject and I wasn't allowed my own opinion. I also constantly felt talked down to. It was as if they despised me, couldn't stand me.

I was bullied at school, primarily in high school. At the youth movement, I was an outsider as well and I was bullied pretty heavily there too.

The reason I think I'm not fully DPD is that I can be independent if the need arises. When I'm alone, I do make my own choices, and even in company I will stand up for my own opinion. Granted, I usually back down, but it's not like I always immediately agree. But I do have very severe attachment issues.

It makes me so desperate, too. I just want someone to love me, but I drive everyone crazy who tries to. I've had people making an effort, really doing so much more for me than anyone would expect. But I drive them crazy with my questions and my paranoia and my demand for 100% of their time. I need all of them, not just part of them. And I end up losing them, every single one of them. My best friend of seven years left me too. Even her. I'm at a loss. This jealousy ruins every relationship, but I don't know how to stop it.

I don't know if i can offer a lot of help but i can tell you that i know how you feel. I have questioned if its part of BPD but i don't know. Or maybe I'm am just that messed up of a person and i can't blame a disorder for it. But everything you said could have come out of my mouth. I have always had relationships where they had all or nothing connection. I was either 100% connected and devoted to you as my friend, i would do everything for you no matter what you asked because you are my best friend. I might have other people that i talk to but i can't have other friends that i feel any connection with. But when you go and have other friends i think that i am ok with it to begin with. But when you start spending time with them i just can't handle it. All i can think about is that you think they are a better friend, you care about them more, and you would rather spend time with them than me. I know the day is coming when you will abandon me for the other friends because i am not good enough.

I am dealing with this situation right now with my best friend who is also a mother figure to me. We started getting to know each other a little over two years ago when i was going through a hard time. She is from my church and great support to me. She is older than me but my husband is 18 years older than me so that's the crowd i hang with. We became really close really fast. Even some of her other friends were jealous of me and told her so. We would spend time together, she would ask me to do things with her, life was great. But then other people started getting involved. People would come around and she would become friends with them. At first i tried to ignore it but when i notice that her new friends sit next to her every time they were together, at every church event, just every chance she could. I was told that was unhealthy and i want allowed to. Then the phone calls and texts get less and less and i feel more rejected and jealous.

I can't talk to her because she gets angry about the jealousy and feels that it means i don't trust her. I know the more i see her with someone else the crazier i get. What if she is having more fun with her and won't want to spend time with me anymore. I know she has to like them better than me. I know I'm about to loose my friend.

So far this friend has put up with my jealousy and calls me on it. It makes her angry and she wants me to trust her and the relationship but i don't know how. I have all these thoughts going through my head, i am scared of loosing one of the most important people in my life. I will never be the friend she needs or deserves for me to be to her. I also have a problem showing how i feel so i can't ever get across how much i am scared and hurting when the jealousy is going on. All she sees is someone who is obsessed with her and won't confront or change it and wants all her time and attention to herself. I don't know what to do about it.

But i do know how you feel.