Ending it all. /trigger & vent

It's really sad, I guess. The moment you wake up and your world has changed. My world changed this weekend. I finally see it for what it is, and no fantasy world can save me. BPD is like a bad habit. I am tired of fantasy worlds, but at the same time, I do miss them because at least I was safe there. Reality is excruciating.

My mother passed away, and some other things happened. I have realized that I am no longer safe. I have no one to protect me, and I have to fight for myself. Instead of worrying about finishing my degree, I'm worrying about how I will ever begin to have enough money to have a place to live. Giving up therapy is not an option. This coming April, I will have to pay $65/week to stay in therapy. That's $260 a month, and even while I am working, I cannot sustain those costs if you figure in not only medication that keeps me alive, but possible necessary psychiatric medication I might be prescribed next month. I have insurance through my university, but that only pays so much. Even if I had a roommate, I couldn't afford even $400/month if I wanted to. I would have to quit therapy and skip the drugs, neither of which are an option because they are/will be keeping me alive as well.

I have tried to think of ways to stay with one family member. She has betrayed me. I try to think of reasons to stay, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. Is it worth feeling like this all the time in order to have a home?

Maybe it is. But I don't know if I can do it.

I'm really, sincerely considering finding a way out. I really don't know any other way to avoid the pain. Either way, I am either at "home" with this family member and constantly feel unsafe (and might actually be so, tbh), or I go without therapy to have my own place. It's a lose/lose situation.

I've tried to attack this from different angles. These ARE my only options, besides death. That's looking very enticing.

I have seen the one person who would need me, and they will be okay. Sad? Sure. But okay. They will have people to take care of them.

Normally, I'd run to my therapist if I felt like this. But just yesterday we have a bit of a tiff. I call her too much and I annoy her. She's been concerned about how much I call. She obviously doesn't want me. I've been betrayed and abandoned even by her. I don't know if I can ever be in the same place I was before she told me that I am annoying sometimes.

I just need to find a way. I can't go through this anymore.

Hi Evvvvvvie :0). I've missed you, sweetheart!



I know that things look very bleak right now. I'm not going to sit here and preach bubbles and light, because that's just stupid. But I will tell you that I do miss you a lot, and can't imagine that others don't feel the same, but I'm hoping maybe we can work on your housing situation, just to maybe figure out a transition plan?


I can't solve the worlds' problems, but I would love to help you in any way I can. If you're comfortable with it, you can PM me with your region/country, and I can try to find the housing assistance programs in your area, or any kind of benefits that we might be able to qualify you for. I know this seems an uphill process, but I'll do the research for you, if you will hang on long enough for us to at least see if we can improve things <3.


Otherwise, I would not advise you quitting therapy and meds, and I think your head is completely in the right place. I commend you for keeping your mental health needs forefront, and not venturing to try to make it without knowing what you need for yourself. Kudos, my friend - that is true maturity in self-preservation. :0)


I know that you may have to endure staying with this relative until we can fully get things figured out, but if you can at least stay safe there, then the bitchiness and betrayals will be small potatoes once you have a place to call your own, away from people you don't choose to be around.


Let's work on this, hunny bunny. Let me know how I can help and support you. <3



AMP

Just PMed.

Just replied, my friend <3.



:0)


AMP

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted to say two things:

1) Ali's a really smart cookie. If anyone can help, it's her.
2) I may not know how to get you out of this, Ev, but I am thinking about you, and I do care about you.

Thanks JB. <3

Just wanted to say i too have been at the end of the road where no options appeared to exist anymore. Some days i feel i'm still there but not all days. Those days that i'm not there do make up for the other days. Hang-on. Hope you have managed to pick-up even if it's only slightly, all progress is good progress however small.

thanks everyone.
i am doing ok on and off.
some nights are unbearable.
started smoking again. as my surrogate therapist says (one who stands in on my t's vacations), one problem at a time.
if it keeps me sane, i'll do it.

-_- right now i don't even know what i feel. i feel like an empty shell.
i love you guys and i'm glad i have you all to depend on.
hopefully when i'm in a better space i can be that for you all, too.

I have not one doubt in my mind that when you are ready and able, you will be helping people out left and right.


I see the forum sometimes like a virtual karma bank. You come when you find us, when you are lost and weary, and we will all put a hand out to drag you (kicking and screaming) to your feet, and then once you are ready, you can start throwing out your hand to others.


The differences between this place and a bank are: 1. There are NO time limits, nor limits on the amount of support you need :0) and 2. There are no fees. Ever. And no fine print!


We <3 you ev, and you keep on with your bada$$ self, girl :0).



AMP

Sorry to read this. Hope you're okay. I never contribute much here but thoughts are with you!