just an average day... actually a great day... :)

Just an average work day... (actually a good day!) : (I recorded what i felt during the working day to give my psychiatrist a good overview over what i feel once i see her)

13:05 : I arrive at work 5 minutes late. I am anxious because i have been late before and it's not good if i come late. I fear being cornered by the others...
13:10 : My colleagues are really nice towards me, greeting me with big hellos. Wow, i love them! I feel so good.
13:20 : My superior asks me about how it is (she knows that i was at a diagnosis thing)... she says we an talk tomorrow. God i dread that. The worst thing was she asked me about it in front of others. Ok they don't know about it... but still that makes me anxious... i mean the MIGHT know, they MIGHT deduce SOMETHING....
13:30 : i answer the phone and my superior tells me i should be friendlier on the phone... oof... i am embarrassed and a little bit ashamed...
now until around 14:30 i feel tired and unmotivated.... then
14:30 : I feel... nothing? i feel empty.
15:00 : Wow, i get the floating around sensation. I mean the kind when you just walk around and float around kind of.
15:30 : I feel something which i cannot pinpoint
15:45 : I go back to the floating sensation.
15:50 : A song plays in the radio which reminds me of something i did that i now feel ashamed of. I feel incompetent somehow.... ok back to the floating sensation.
16:00 : some people get to our station, but they are not particularly friendly towards me. Don't even notice me. That woman looked at me strangely... she must surely hate me! (Or dislike me at least)
16:15 : Floating... i notice that my look is slightly unfocused... and i am kind of tired... the kind of tired you are when you are packed in a warm... i kind of dream off.
16:45 : i feel something undefinable.
17:00 : dinner for the patients... i "wake up"
17:30 : We get dinner ourselves... those collegaues got themselves really nice food, so delicious. But they didn't think of me! UNFAIR! I am disappointed... I had even paid... do they even want to have me here on the station?
18:05 going out of the room because someone had ringed... i hear some people laughing while i am near... do they laugh at me? I am shocked to find out that one of the sheets of papers i recorded all of this on is missing from my pockets! OH MY! They must have found it! I am paralyzed. They must have read it and are laughing at me! They must have deduced... and now "know" something about me that i don't want strangers to know! I panic and my thoughts are spinning out of control, circling.
I don't know what i did after that, only that i somehow did something (?) and then i was in the room where we eat dinner at
18:10 and i find my sheet of paper lying there, crumbled as i left it! I AM SO RELIEVED! Noone read it. Thats such a relief! Everything is alright again.
After that its kind of funny actually. My colleagues are in a good mood and i cannot help but catch it too. At around
21:00 their mood goes down a little bit and mine matches it.

I go home at 21:20 and wonder "why can't all days be like this?".

I arrive at home at around 22:30 and feel a little bit lonely (therefore a little bit depressed), but soon i decide to post it here. I just love that "floating around sensation".