Advice on BPD

I had been dating a woman for the last year and have been on an emotional roller coaster ride with her ever since. She had been married three times, had many failed relationships and was very open about being treated for a "disorder" with prozac and had once attempted suicide. Despite this, I fell head over heels for her. Most of the time it was a great relationship but she would often perceive anything I said as critisism and begin to doubt our relationship. After four months she left me giving very nebulous reasons for it (none were real). Then she came back and all seemed as it was before. Three weeks ago we went through the same things again. We had breakfast, all was fine, I took a shower and when I came out , she told me she did't love me anymore and wanted me to leave. I suspect it was triggered by my questioning something she wanted to do. Anyway, I suspect she has BPD. She has a terrible time dealing with stress, work, people and often mistakes a question as critisism. At night she is a docile as a lamb, wants me to hold her while we sleep and actuall purrs like a kitten when I do. But as day progresses she becomes unstable. At one point she cried begging me never to leave her. Then she pushes me away.
I really care for her and at one point asked her to marry me (four days later she left me). But I don't want to be on a roller coaster ride all my life. Can I get her to see that I love her and earn her trust or is it impossible?

you can get her to trust you.
but if she indeed suffers from bpd, and you don't wanna be in an emotional roller coaster for the rest of your life, i suggest you leave her.

bpd will bring you the roller coaster you say you don't want. my fiance decided long time ago he didn't care about that. but it still isn't easy on him. i can respond irrational, tell him to get out of the house and leave me alone, or even that i don't wanna be with him anymore.
at other times i tell him he's the best thing that ever happened to me (which in fact he is)..

you'll have to decide if you wanna take on this challenge and fight for her, yourself, and your relationship.
if you don't, leave her.
if you do, go for it, and fight for it.

Firnlothwen

I love this woman more than you can imagine and have no problem being with her through this. I just get the feeling right now that she doesn't want me.

that could be part of her problems. you'll have to find out if she wants to be with you as well. let her know that you'll stay with her inspite of her problems.

the point is that this trust has to grow. most people go into a relationship with the idea "innocent till proven guilty". if she's a bit like me, she's gone into it the opposite way; "guilty till proven innocent".

show her, time in time again, that you love her and want to be with her.

love
rose

Your right of course. Theres no sense trying to be in her life is she doesn't want me there. Right now, we've been apart for three weeks. In the beginning she seemed a bit hostile and as time progressed a bit less so but still distant. I have written to her telling her that I will respect her wishes for staying away. I also wished her well, told her that I loved her but didn't say anything about being "there" for her. Maybe I should have. I just didn't want to pressure her.

When I see her in passing at work she seems a bit haggered and troubled. Others have noticed it too. It bothers me greatly because I don't want her to be troubled or in pain.

Where to from here? Do I just stay in the shadows and wait? Do I call her and attempt to tell her I'm here for her regardless of what happens or would it make matters worse?

I love this woman and have been willing to work through the problems with her. I just don't know what I should be doing...

you could try to approach her as a friend to start with. let her know you're there for her, without referring to a romantic relationship.
be supportive of her, whether she'll want to be romantically involved or not. let her know you love her for who she is, not matter the type of relationship you have.

at least i take you want to be there for her even if it would mean just as friends?

talk to her. ask her what's wrong. again, if she's a bit like me, she won't see it as pressure, but as a sign of love and wanting to comfort her.
in my case, not hearing from you would give me the feeling you were abandoning me.... i'm not sure how things are for her, but i think it's better to let her know you're there, then to keep your silence..

love
rose

For the love of God, talk to her. Women like me treat no news as ....no news. You don't necessarily have to get into a big emotional conversation, but a quick chat about the weather, your cat/dog/hamster, just normal stuff, is much appreciated by women like me.

Whatever the heck I am.

I tried calling her Saturday night to talk. I asked if she could spare a few minites to talk to which she abruptly replied no. No further words from her at all. I apologized for disturbing her and hung up.

Sunday morning at 11am she called me (much to my surprise). It was a bit tense for a while but we did manage to talk fairly openly. I explained to her why i was so upset when she said she didn't love me anymore. It amazed me when she said she didn't remember saying that at all. Is that part of this behavior? Not remembering what was said?

I explained my point of view on the breakup and why it disturbed me so much. She did not understand why her saying she didn't love me anymore should be a big deal. I ended the conversation by assuring her that I was not challenging the validity of her feelings and that I respected what she was gloing through. I also told her that if she gets to a point wher life becomes too stressfull for her and she needs someone to help her get through it, she can count on me... all she needs to do is call me. I guess thats as much as I can do at the moment.

I worry about her because her parents are very ill and near death (91 yrs). She has expressed fear about not having them as a safety net and even cried in my arms one night about it begging me never to leave her. I promised that I'd always be here and would protect her form all lifes harms. I care for her emmensely. Yet, as soon as the slightest doubt comes along... she runs away from me. This time to a former boyfriend. A guy that keeps leaving her for other women. I just don't see why she doing this.

Anyway, I want to thank the two of you for your advice... its been helping me allot.