So,my ldr ex and i broke up a little less then a month,we were "penpals" for the first 3 years,never had so much fun and over time i fell in love with him deeply,and told him that on the end of the third year,we got into a relationship a few months after that.It was great,he knew what to say and what to do in all the right moments,how to make me feel safe and comfort me.For that i kindly adapted to some aspects of his life,like him not liking to go out because"it's all pointless" ?,and hating guys that would talk to me beacause "he knows what they want".I am an attractive female,and it hit me recently after the breakup,and it was on me whether i would let those guys that "chased" me ,get me or not,so,it seemed like a little untrustworthy of him at that time but it was ok,i guess a little jealousy means that you care right?Ugh...
So,after a few months after,i had to move to another apartment because i started experiencing a lot of stress,anxiety and insomnia.We still talked through skype almost 13 hours a day,every day...it's true,we never ran out of things to say,or play online together while we were apart.
At that time he,who is,a college drop out and has been pausing two years,not having a job and just generally waiting for a miracle to happen,and i ,agreed that he will come to study here and live with me(we've been planning that for a year).
After a while we started to fight over these things,he avoided it,told me he was sick to his stomack and needs to lie down and get some sleep or things like that,because i would directly ask him if he has any prospects in life,to which his replies were "i don't know"...He was bearing all those fights and when they stopped,when he had to go home that day,he packed everything he had and went home,telling me that he will miss me.Mind you,i have abandonment issues,but it sometimes seems like i can predict it when it hits the fan,so i told him prior to him enetering the bus "just please don't break up with me,we will fix this".
WELL,some days after that,he broke up with me...he was so cold,actually,he was being blatantly evil..we had a facebook fight that seemed rigged to an extent.He told me we can't do this anymore ad that we will both suffer in the relationship.i begged cried pleaded,for him it was emotional blackmail...He was in his friend's house that night,he was eating while i cried.We had 2 weeks nc,and then he sent me "closure" in which he blamed me for chaining him down and just generally blamed me for everything.He put some imagined reasons like he thought i was cheating him and etc...i never cheated.He also put some grandiose ideas to where he is going and what he is doing all of the sudden,which btw,never came true.A week and a half after that he called me to "see how i was" and i took him back.
We would fight if i went on a coffee with a male friend of 8 years who lives miles away and just came to visit.We would fight for every paranoid thought he had.Like,if i went out and told him i'll contact him,and i say to him "honey my battery is low,i will call you when i come home".That's me having oh so much fun with my friends and he's been left behind.....what?My friggin battery died :/
And things like that,all minor things which he would remember and which he threw in my face after every fight.
This time around,he did all of that and much much more.I can't believe i spent new years and christmas with him,went with him through all his troubles he had at home,spent time with his friends.Baked him cakes and just generally pampered him all the time.I had my bpd spats,like a month before i broke up with him over a fight,for an hour,and he cried,which i didn't know and i rushed back to comfort him because i really cared but my impulsive behaviour got the best of me.Happened again on two more occasions,where i was packing my bags after a fight but didn't go,and threatened with suicide.I had a bad night/day before leaving,where my tooth hurt and i couldn't sleep,and i was so ,angry sad and frustrated that i just started to fight and cry and he was holding me all the time.We went,we said goodbye,it wasn't anything like the goodbyes before.
When i went home it all began feeling rigged after a few days again.He was totally emotionally like a brick wall.we fought over this for 8 hours,i think he just triggered me on purpose.the next few days he was slowly backing out and i was the one trying to fix everything.Then it suddenly turned to "you told me you will change but you didn't ,your moodswings,you are crazy,you left me to cry that day,you did this on that date and i can't trust you anymore"and ultimately to "i'm not for this relationship thing anymore" .But at first he just did not want to break up but he was expressing it all around,kinda like "i want you to break up,not me" because we spoke about fixing the situation and it came to "well if i cant break up with you we will stay together" and "why do i have to do the decision" i mean what the?
I said ok and deleted him off of facebook,"broke up" the relationship,though i was the one crying and pleading again....
The next day i found a message on my fb,of him,saying that he deactivated his account and he won't be using facebook,for now,but he could return(?)and that if i need something urgent i could mail him.
well i summed up our relationship and mailed it to him...no response
deleted me off of skype,unsubscribed youtube channel,everything,his best friend deleted me off fb,okay.But i noticed something later,he got mentioned in some post(silly me trusting him)Blac letters and all.That's when i found out he made another facebook from which i'm blocked,the day i left,exactly at 23:00 the hour he said goodnight to me and that he loves me...So i don't even understand,i have issues,but i swear,my ex has some HUGE problems with his behaviour if he had to do all of that bs just to cut me off,again,the same way....
I called him the week after,for my stuff back,he was virtually surrounded by them,i think he isn't anymore but well.He told me he will send them but he doesn't know how much the post will cost me,i mean god i gave you a hundred bucks to visit me a month before,and you don't even want to pay.i said ok,keep it around but i'll find a way to get them back and i will contact you then,to which he replied he will send them,like kinda rushed answer.He was also acting cold,asked me why was i doing this all to myself(calling him)and said that i'm probably emotionally blackmailing him(he throws that word way too easy) and that i just wanted a reaction.
NC from there on,it's been 2 weeks for now,and i'm totally conflicted,i love him with all my heart,and hate him with all my guts,actually i pretty much hate myself for making it turn out like it did.Also wanted to ask,do you think he could eventually come around or something?It would be funny if he would,again....
I seriously have no idea how this happened when i think about it now.No normal closure,no anything,just disapearance and a bunch of confusion....
.Just want to understand it Per se 
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