Rock Bottom

I am a bad person.
I am an emotional blackmailer.
I am a master manipulator.
I am a rewriter of history.
I am worthless.
I am a liar.
I am a fake, a fraud, an illusion.
I don't want to be. I don't choose to be. I don't even realize I am.

I have lost my son.
I am watching on the outside. Then I hurt. Then I am numb. Then I am angry.
I cry. Then I can't.
I love him. But no I don't. Not anymore. I hate him. I will never be able to forgive him.
He did what my mom did. What my dad did. What another will never do again.
He abandoned me. He humiliated me.
Yet it was I who was told I don't attach.

I tried to be a good mom. I thought I was. Others said I was. He at one time said I was.

Are we the things I write above. I was told I was. I don't know. I just don't know.

I have always struggled but I didn't know I was struggling. Now I know. I know it's me. It's me and I don't know how to fix me.

And I use to believe in God. Use to be told you just have to believe. Ask him to come into your heart. Get rid of that bitterness. Turn your life over to him. I did that. All of it. Except the bitterness. I never knew how to let that go. So where he is. Where is the man who is suppose to be all knowing and full of forgiveness and overwhelming love and peace. Maybe we just aren't important enough. Like so many others that suffer.

Faith. What is there to have faith in. And hope. That is nothing more than a fools bottomless wishing well.

((Hugs))

I am a bad person.

Here's one person who thinks that's a load of bullpoop.

I am an emotional blackmailer.

Ahem...so are they. I actually don't know anyone who's not.

I am a master manipulator.

So is every 5 year old I've ever encountered.

I am a rewriter of history.

Sometimes stories change...you can't remember every detail. Or perhaps those that you are telling the stories to got it wrong.

I am worthless.

You are WORTHY, oh, and priceLESS.

I am a liar.

EVERYONE lies.

I am a fake, a fraud, an illusion.

According to those who are? Pot? Kettle?

I don't want to be. I don't choose to be. I don't even realize I am.

Just because someone says you are something or anything, doesn't mean that you are.

Faith. What is there to have faith in. And hope. That is nothing more than a fools bottomless wishing well.

I have faith in you.

I would say that I feel like I'm all of the things that you list. People I suspect have exited my life for the same reasons. You say you didn't realize that you are these things, I believe you do from your post. You're not a bad person, you struggle with a PD that most people can't relate to, can't see how hard it makes life for us.

You'd do better to put faith in yourself as opposed to the guy in the sky, I know you say it's useless but its not. I agree with you about hope, it's hard to grasp and I often don't have any either but I do wonder about the future, sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I don't. I'm ok with that.

You seem to be in a lot of pain right now, my thoughts are with you and you are not alone. Take care.

Hugs. It's a hard thing to go through, to lose your son. I can only imagine the pain you feel. Sorry.

I echo what doesntfeelbeautiful said. Turning to yourself, are you ready to make change? Every single day is a new chance to decide to.

Are you in therapy? If not, ready to be?

Repair of lots of things can come from that--you, your relationship with your son, and more.

I heard something somewhere that said "some people with PD find it hard to own their behaviour" so when other people express hurt or criticism at their actions, instead of feeling normal guilt or disappointment in themselves, or just sorry the other person is hurt (my version of empathy in special cases) they end up feeling all sorts of terrible horrible things about them selves...

For some its about feeling there is no alternative to being made to feel that way,

for others it can be that the alternative is accepting that others might potentially have some input into how they end up feeling or deciding they should act, and the self putdown is better than openly accepting what is potentially percieved as control or helplessness,

so instead of being able to see and understand their actions and the responses of others as and when they happen, the person ends up with a huge buildup of actions that go into a big stirring pot that could be called "negative identity" every time anything lifts the lid on it, because none of those actions or related feelings can be processed, dealt with, responded to, or let go of.

Honesty:
I was in such a bad place the night I wrote this...and all the rest. Then after I wrote it I was afraid to come back because I feared rejection and/or judgment.

That being said.

Wineaux. $#%^. I <3 You.
Bullpoop. Who uses that word. Lol.

And everyone else...

Thank You. For the hugs. For the thought. And for taking the time to reply.

Reading this makes me realize just how important it is to reach out to others here when in a time of need. If only to say I read this. You matter.

And the update: sometimes it's best to just...let go.