bpd and non-bpd I love you/I dont/I love you/I dont

Hi,

I have another question for you : after a 4 year relationship with a borderline we decided to split up.For those we dont know my story, i'd like to say that my ex boyfriend is not aware of being BPD and tahts why it was not easy 4 us.
It has been 2 months we are not together.He mainly took the decision nevertheless he was very affected cause he loved me to death.we didnt leave each other cause we ddint love each other anymore but more because for us it was the only exit.He ddint go to work for 1 month, had nightmares, nauseas, sweating...so much he was destroyed.After 1 month and 1/2 I decided to call him and theer was already another girl living there.I know the girl, she has been in our life bothering us for 1 year now.She had wanted him already for 1 year.As a borderline , he was always " playing " with us.When we were doing fine, he ddidnt need her and only wanted me but as soon as the pbs were coming back, she could see it on his face and humor (they work at the same place) and was taking advantage of the situation.She was telling him the right words and he felt so much comfort that he was asking me to leave and started having contact with her.Once I was gone after 2 months he wanted me back and as I was in love, I agreed.The same scenario 3-4 times/year.
Now she finally has him, doesnt know he is BPD as of course he appears to be prefect for her, typical from them.She is sure she found the right guy...nevertheless I still have contact with him and he is still saying I love you, you are the best, I will never stop loving.If I ask how is it possible that after 1 and 1/2 month hes already involved with another girl he says everybody has needs and its not because she is by me that I dont think about you 1000 times/day.
when I called him that time and had the girl on the phone she didnt even let me say what I wanted and said to me let us be happy cause we are and he only sees as a sister (the contrary of how he tells me he feels).

So what do y thinka bout this relationship ? Do y think it can work ? Could I really be the woman of his life ?
And how is it possible he tells A and do B ? I know its part of them but....Do y guys think he is only with her because of the fear of abandonment ?
It really shocked me to see we had a 4 year relationship and after 1 and 1/2 month she is already there.
How can he be completely with her ? We dont forget people just like that.

Thx to all

People don't forget people just like that, but a disease can, and will. With people who have mental illnesses of this kind of severity, they can turn on a dime, and I think it's sometimes safer for us to look at what their actions are, as opposed to what they might be feeling. Because in the short term and possibly the long term, you have to live with their actions. I loved a guy more than the breath in my body; I could not tolerate the way he treated me, and that's what my life would have consisted of: His treatment of me.

This guy is booting you out and inviting you back 3 or 4 times a year??

Whatever his actual personality (and yes, there is a person behind the disease) may feel for you, the reality is the disease is running him. You cannot, must not, deal with the disease. Bear in mind, this is JUST MY OPINION. I am not a counsellor, nor do I play one on tv. I am strictly just Joe Blow off the street.

However, think logically now: If you wanted to have children with this person, what would your life be like, packing up babies, clothes, diapers, etc. every three months and moving -- where? To a shelter? Your parents? Or trying to explain to them where Daddy has buggered off to yet again.

In the long term, beyond the periods of affection that this person can offer, will you get what you need?

It crippled me to leave the man I loved. I will never recover. But I would have suffered the tortures of the damned in a marriage with him, not because he wasn't beautiful and intelligent and charming and all good things -- he was everything I thought he was, and then some -- but because periodically, his disease ran him. It took him right over, and when it did, I was nothing at all to him. Worse than nothing; he might imagine I was cheating on him, or out to get him, or some such nonsense. This, when he had known me, and I had loved him, only him, since we were children.

You can only offer yourself. That's what love is: Not accomodating someone's illness (which will make them worse, eventually, because the disease is like a fire, and grows when it's fed), but being honestly yourself for them. You're trying to offer yourself now, and the hell of it is, he's saying to you, it's not enough.

No one will be enough. If he's sick, he needs help. Maybe you should just tell him that.

I tried to tell him to get help but of course he doesnt wanna hear about it at the moment.
He is in denial but sometimes he is back to reality and is aware that he has kind of wrong things in him.He says it throygh emails when he really wanna be sincere and honnest with himself.

He got me psychologically so tired even still now that I have decided to stop worrying for him.

My 1st desire was to wanna open his eyes bt I have read and know that the more they feel y are around them to support them ( when they are not willing to chnage) and the less they will change.
They wont change cause you put yourself as a "saver", they see it and they know that if they fall you are there always to save them so why would they change ?

You have to set them free, to let them take their own responsabilities and if they feel in danger as they see youa re not there anymore, they will finally get help.

Thats why I stopped emailing him and if he sees later that all the $#%^ comes back he will maybe decide to conatct me and then I will help him.

Helping him doesnt mean I will go back to him.

But 1 thing is for sure I have to stop being around him or he will nevr take responsabilities for his won actions.

Try not to get into the mindset of "helping him/not helping him." This is a guy you're having a relationship with. Only professionals can help him. You can just act or react towards him, the same as you would towards anyone else. This is what I mean about feeding the disease. Are you in love with the guy, or with the disease? If you find yourself enjoying the drama of the disease, enjoying being a "helper," looking forward, even, to the next crisis when you can be transported out of your problems and into his, get worried.

I write this to you, but the reality is, we all have to stop and check out whether we're dealing with the person or the disease when we're in relationships with people who have personality disorders. We need to refuse to deal with the disease, refuse the aberrant behaviour that chokes off their true self, and respect the behaviours that are their true self. It's knowing which is which that is the challenge, and perhaps the test of whether it's a real friendship or not.

And sometimes, when they're very ill, they'll reject us because we don't accomodate the disease, but that's the way it is. We can only accomodate the disease as much as we're comfortable with. When you're involved with a narcissist, for example, as I am, you may be one hundred per cent okay with the concept of spending an evening discussing how to get people at their work to appreciate their unique gifts. You might not be okay with being lectured on what to wear or who you can talk to. That's the kind of thing I mean. Know where to draw the line.