Sister with BPD, how to help her 2 little kids?? :-(

Hi,
My sister has BPD but is in denial and fighting treatment (she has made + cancelled appointments with psychiatrists several times).

In the mean time, she's in the middle of a very messy divorce, and she has 2 sons ages 5 & 10 who are stuck in the middle of all this. My parents are older and are having huge problems dealing with my sister and all of her problems, so my brother and I are left to figure out what to do.

We grew up with a BPD mother so we know what it's like for my nephews, and seeing them growing up in her house is like watching a car accident in slow motion. We're now trying to figure out what's the best way to help them. A professional we consulted with said that the best we can do is be for them as much as possible and take them out whenever we can especially during the weekends when they're stuck with her for hours on end.

While we are fully committed to my nephews and love them dearly, my brother and I each have our own families with small kids that need much attending to, plus full time jobs, spouses, etc. and any free time and energy is so scarce - having the fate of my nephews' well-being on our shoulders is like walking around with a 10 ton weight. However clearly we can't just stand by and watch them living with my sister and her frequent screaming-crying fits of rage, meltdowns, and many many bad parenting decisions that have little to do with the kids' well-being and more to do with her own comfort and needs.

Million dollar question: how can we help my nephews & sister but still maintain our own lives and sanity?

And also - when witnessing my sister's fits of crying/screaming, i wonder if BPD is something that can land someone in a mental institution?

Thank you very much,
Mila

Good luck trying to get anyone in a mental hospital if you live in the US... the psychiatric system is so screwed up that people who need help can't get it, and even if you can, it's only as long as the money holds out... once you're broke, no one cares if you're crazy or a danger to yourself.

Anyway... I don't have any real advice for you... I don't have kids myself and I'm the BPD sister so my sisters wouldn't really trust me with their kids anyway...
But I do know that when my friend was in a similar situation with her mother (you see, my friend is 30 and her brother is 10, because her mom is apparently very fertile and mildly crazy) she had her brother move in with her for a little bit. It was a lot easier for her to just make him one of her kids than to try and go pick him up all the time, when he'd call her, or something. When her mom got her life together her brother moved back home, and things have been alright since then, mostly.

I'm not saying that's a solution... between getting the parent to let the kid go for a little bit, and knowing you'll eventually have to give them back... I mean that's not ideal for anyone...

But... that's all I got. You could also try putting the kids in child therapy, to help them cope with their mother. I think that might be a good idea, in general. Still, that costs money and time... and your sister probably wouldn't like that, either... still, it's an idea.

Thank you for that reply.
I'm also wondering whether at any point child services might get involved and take her kids away from her? (She lives in an apartment with many neighbors close by and a few have complained about my younger nephew's frequent screaming tantrums.)

That is a possibility...

If possible, you want to avoid that, though... Being thrown into foster care is horribly traumatic.
Sometimes the courts will opt to place with family members, they did that with my sister's baby.
Still, getting the courts involved is really going to exacerbate the situation.

Depending on the severity of any given outburst, of course BPD can land her in a hospital. That's not to say that a simple diagnosis of BPD automatically will, though. Most of us do live our lives on the outside.

One thing that popped into my head - is it possible that she's trying to deny that she has BPD because she remembers what it was like growing up when your mother? She might be afraid that, if she admits she has BPD, then she'll have to admit that she's putting her kids through the same things that you, your sister and your brother went through, and that can be rough.

As to how to convince her to get help without simply calling Children's Aid, my suggestion would be to contact a counselor yourself. Have you and your brother sit down with a counselor and find out what the best way to approach this would be. Any way I can think of, when I think of how I'd respond, would just make me retract further into my shell. Since therapists and counselors are trained to crack shells of people like me, they may have suggestions on what to try.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It sure won't be easy...

Thank you johnny for that thoughtful and really helpful reply!! Your explanation for her being in denial seems dead-on.

As a person who grew up in a family with a BPD father and NPD mother in a co-dependant relationship I have an easy answer.

Be a true friend to the children. Learn how to validate them as individuals and shower them with it. Reinforce to them their validity as individuals.

It's my view the "Axis B, cluster II" parents lay their own issues upon their children frequently through projection, the children can grow up feeling that their only valid role in life is to carry the emotional burdens and be caregiver to the parent. Speaking for myself the slightest expression of validation and respect for my individuality had huge impact growing up in my family. It wasn't frequent, mostly because I acted out so badly that I didn't attract such gestures, but the few that occurred were life changing.

Stay in their lives. Love them. Validate them. And even if they go down dark paths their life will include the nuggets you planted there and they'll take root when the time is right.

And avoid engaging in trashing the ill mother, just be different and hear the kids out without chiming in. They'll be simultaneously protective of her and angry with her. You can't win that game. Just be sounding board for them and reassure them of their worth as individuals.

I love you "Centerpath"!! Your reply made me tear up, I sent it to my brother too. Such an eloquently written answer, really thank you for it.

Hi, I'm 18 years old. My moms bdp hasn't been really diagnosed because she is in denial as well, she will never admit she has a mental disorder even if a professional told her. Do what ever you can to get those kids out of their because I am so screwed up now.. It's unbelievable I believe I have bdp or I'm bipolar or something. Been to the hospital 3 times like the past year and not a damn doctor can get it right. So now I'm on a forum cause I'm ganna figure it out myself. Good luck to you. But you most likely cant help your sister especially in the states, hell I live in Canada while my moms dying of cancer and tormenting people no one helps. Even if you beg she slipped by everyone she used to be a lab tech in the hospital for god sakes. People with PDB can be very sneeky about it

Macie,

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. I know first hand what this is like.

Although the model of BPD or Bipolar has merit, and has benefits on knowing yourself and finding routes to healing, I'd suggest you look at PTSD as a model as well.

Validating the impact of traumatic experiences, especially experiences that are repetitive, can be a great start. Finding a reference point for reality, examples of healthy interactions and a safe place to contrast your experience with healthier environments is a great start.

Mentors, healthy adults you can spend time with and absorb healthier attitudes by example or osmosis is also great.

Never discount our capacity to grow and heal. I'm glad you're on the forums.