triggered by a compliment

*curses* So some engineer comes around to sort some house bits out, I offer him drinks etc and hospitable to him (I can be overly nice) we have long chats and we have a lot in common.
See him today outside my house and we get chatting, apparently on a job 3 doors down. Later he comes by drops his number through my letter box, asking me to text him.........
*Triggered to death* I have a BF he has a GF how dare he behave in this manner, urgh! Does he think of me that lowly from talking to me?
Really peeved off, I'm scared whether to mention it to the BF cause he'll cause a rift over it and say I'm doing him or some crap. I'm just peeved off now, I'm in two minds, chuck it and forget about it, even though I'm now clearly in a bad mood OR tell the BF what he did....
What would you do? ARGH!

I empathise with you on that one M - I chat with guys and then they assume I want them in the sack. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of pooh, cause like you said, it makes you think God do I come across like I'm just UP FOR IT. Had this my whole life. I realise there are lots of BPD patterns mixed in there (that I'm working on) but it can be soul destroying.

My advice, hmmm, it depends really on whether this will continue to fester in your mind or whether you can drop it. If it was me and it had me in a head lock then the only way to shift that is to speak up. I would try to reflect for a bit and ask is this to make me feel better and would it adversely the other person.
Honesty is important however sometimes it shafts you !!
I also think about how I would feel in the other persons shoes, and this can determine how I approach the situation. If your BF approached you about a similar situation, how would you handle it? How can you approach the subject without him thinking it was anything other than innocent...?

Damage Limitation

May the force be with you...
MB

Oh man, that's a tough spot. :/ You could talk to your boyfriend and explain that you're stressed out about it. He may be able to give you some helpful advice.

If you feel that you have to talk to/confront the guy, just make it clear that you're just being friendly. There's nothing wrong with being friendly, but it's not going anywhere between you guys. Just make sure you're firm on that.




A guy at my college was like this. He made a comment about my chest (I know that it's out there and everything, and people looking doesn't get to me, but seriously don't say anything!) and later on I said that I wasn't attracted to any of the males in the group other than my boyfriend. He said something like "That's a shame." Really, guy?


Men. The sad thing is, I have about five times more man friends than woman friends.

Told the BF who laughed and explained how guys minds work. He trusts me and doesn't blame me except for being too nice to the guy.
Honesty is clearly the best policy...

I have like 2 girlfriends and 100 guy friends. I don't seem to get on with girls at all, I find them fake and ignorant, sorry to my gender but meh, my therapist is trying to help me deal with this and told me to make friends regardless. Finding it very difficult as I'm friendly and nice but girls just don't like me lol

Yay

Yip, totally with you on the girl:guy friends ratio thing.

Women don't tend to like me (without even knowing me) and I don't have many female friends. I don't feel safe around women. Definitely something in that! Must be a BPD-vibe thing I give off...and possibly related to bad experiences with my Mother I reckon. I have issues with some women in authority too....Hmmm.

Glad you're all sorted.

MB

missehffs wrote:Told the BF who laughed and explained how guys minds work. He trusts me and doesn't blame me except for being too nice to the guy.
Honesty is clearly the best policy...

I have like 2 girlfriends and 100 guy friends. I don't seem to get on with girls at all, I find them fake and ignorant, sorry to my gender but meh, my therapist is trying to help me deal with this and told me to make friends regardless. Finding it very difficult as I'm friendly and nice but girls just don't like me lol

I'm glad that you got to talk to your boyfriend about it. He seems supportive.

I think that's probably my problem with girls. I find them sort of shallow as well. At the same time, I have a problem with the teasing guys do; I'm too literal. My boyfriend tries to explain it later but it never sticks for some reason.

I've an issue with this too..I'm always being called flirty by guys..maybe it is a borderline thing? who knows? I take it as a compliment though really.

interestedinlearning wrote:I've an issue with this too..I'm always being called flirty by guys..maybe it is a borderline thing? who knows? I take it as a compliment though really.

my whole life I've been told by people that I'm a flirty person. I don't even understand the concept of flirting or how it's different from just talking to people. I just talk and hang out, it's not like I ever try to force anything to happen, I'm not one to make the first move in any situation. and I have people tell me I'm flirting even when I'm talking to people I have zero interest in, physically or otherwise. it's weird and kind of annoying.

This thread made me think, mostly about how much I've clarified of past situations recently. (skip if uninterested in random waffle. just me putting my thoughts down again.)

missehffs wrote:Told the BF who laughed and explained how guys minds work.

Actually I don't find many guys minds' work that way at all towards me - I've tended to make plenty of male aquaintences without that assumption (except in particular circles) and did make some recently only to discover as soon as someone from one of those circles flitted into the picture their behaviour towards me subtly changed.

missehffs wrote:I have like 2 girlfriends and 100 guy friends. I don't seem to get on with girls at all, I find them fake and ignorant, sorry to my gender but meh, my therapist is trying to help me deal with this and told me to make friends regardless. Finding it very difficult as I'm friendly and nice but girls just don't like me lol

So which is it, you don't like them, they don't like you or both ? Most girls didn't like me in my teens because I refused to play ball with their way of socializing. Don't see why I should if it doesn't suit me either.

maxblack wrote:Women don't tend to like me (without even knowing me) and I don't have many female friends. I don't feel safe around women. Definitely something in that! Must be a BPD-vibe thing I give off...and possibly related to bad experiences with my Mother I reckon. I have issues with some women in authority too....Hmmm.

I'm not too keen on anyone who thinks they're in authority, lol. The way I see it they just have a stronger hand socially and structurally, so they are in a stronger position, but that does not make them in authority it just means they are in a far stronger position in some senses.

A long time ago I took the BBC's brain test and I didn't come out female. I think I ranked higher on things like spatial awareness and other cognitive skills associated with male thinking, than things like remembering where objects are, which women are supposed to be best at. Fits with me losing my car keys lol. I climbed trees a lot and have never cooed over babies.

As far as im concerned I just am how I am. I think that probably has more to do with my feelings about other women than anything else - I think I resent society for trying to force a role on me. (No, that doesn't make me transgender either it just makes me not average.)

if women ever seem shallow, I blame socialization and do put that on the women in question not gender differences. ..its actually not women (as a sex) who I have a problem with, but women as a social group - or particular sorts. There are some women I don't have a problem with at all.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:my whole life I've been told by people that I'm a flirty person. I don't even understand the concept of flirting or how it's different from just talking to people. I just talk and hang out, it's not like I ever try to force anything to happen, I'm not one to make the first move in any situation. and I have people tell me I'm flirting even when I'm talking to people I have zero interest in, physically or otherwise. it's weird and kind of annoying.

It sounds it. I've never been told I'm a flirty person despite the fact I'd often flirt when I wanted to. I have been told I "give off a sexual sort of vibe" without actually being sexual about it. If I'm interested, I'll always be the one to make the first move.

I'm sure I did come across as flirty at times - when I was flirting, lol. But when people started trying to involuntarily cast me into character roles I disliked I'd end up being very standoffish.

At the same time, in social circles where I figured out I was interested in almost no one there, but people tried to treat women in a certain way, I have actually been described as shy.

Both of which people would misinterpret as "cute", because it suited the image they needed to have of me.

Mostly because it didn't come naturally to me to respond to their behaviour any other way than silence or aggression, and in the context I was involved in for a long while, that left silence as my only option, because I saw things in terms of purpose, and I wouldn't sacrifice the end goal even when for my own irritation if I had that self-control.

However, it got gradually worse, and I realized at some point people acting the way they did to me really was all them, plus some people with a better sense of long term consequences and continuity extending a little social engineering into areas they thought I wouldn't spot it by playing to what they knew made me irate by pushing people in the right direction.

Opinions were supported only by what I was wearing (and possibly how i looked) - which the best joke is, bearing in mind the nature of the events was nothing but appropriate... the cleverest part of it was that it could be swung one way or another, and some people did their best at making it "another" - either cleverly and deliberately or because that was secretly what they thought of me too, while potentially lying to me in person.

I wouldn't be bothered nowadays even if I had to be thrown back into that same type of environment because I'm not about to start being the mascot for anything myself, I don't care for popularity contests on any personal level and have no problem with getting aggressive in response to people speaking to me/acting in any way I dislike, and know a little more about how to deal with people like that - mostly well beyond bargepole distance because basically i just don't like them and if i'm not allowed to run them over, I prefer not to have to engage with them too much.

What can I say, I was inexperienced and naive when it came to certain aspects of people. I couldn't understand why people would be so concerned with some of the things they were concerned with, i guess their motives were just off the end of incomprehensible to me.

(This is not a moral judgement of them, its more a personality clash, a bit like expecting xena and aphrodite to be best friends, for those who've seen that series. lol)

missehffs wrote:
I have like 2 girlfriends and 100 guy friends. I don't seem to get on with girls at all, I find them fake and ignorant, sorry to my gender but meh, my therapist is trying to help me deal with this and told me to make friends regardless. Finding it very difficult as I'm friendly and nice but girls just don't like me lol

So which is it, you don't like them, they don't like you or both ? Most girls didn't like me in my teens because I refused to play ball with their way of socializing. Don't see why I should if it doesn't suit me either

For me I'd say it's both, I'm a I don't give a bleep what you think of me person, I find the girls I've tried to mingle with have a social agenda and because of this I've never fitted in. With guys it's just Hi I'm Blah, I like da dee daa and I'm accepted.
My partner suggested that the majority of my guy mates want one thing and if he was out of the way, they'd make their move. When we split up last year for a month, it was all too true, guys coming out of the wood work to take me out.
I don't have the emotional intelligence yet to understand a) barriers of trust and responsibility to my partner and b) how to get into social affluence with women. I'm too strong willed to play petty games of who can be the nicest, at gatherings and events I find this awfully difficult. But get me with the guys and I'm a barrel of laughs.

The way I see it is you make a joke with a girl and bamn it's an insult... I can't be dealing with people getting offended at me because they don't like MY sense of humour. But they'll bitch and whine behind your back about what you've said or done or about the way you act. Never would they confront you, for instance recently someone was talking to the brother-in-law and said "she's not fun at all, all she does is gets drunk, sits there quietly with the guys" DUH!!!!!!!!! That just means I don't like you and there's better company elsewhere, I don't want to talk to you for a reason.... (baring in mind I don't know who this person is) You bitch behind my back that's just one of the many reasons why I DONT want to speak to you. So I'm thinking my BPD is extra sensitive and can pick up on peoples agendas socially, whoever that was apparently was upset by my ignorant behavior, so my mind must of known she was a douche bag.

Anyway sorry for my semi-rant, one of the reasons I don't like girls.

-- Wed Jan 09, 2013 5:08 am --

missehffs wrote:
I have like 2 girlfriends and 100 guy friends. I don't seem to get on with girls at all, I find them fake and ignorant, sorry to my gender but meh, my therapist is trying to help me deal with this and told me to make friends regardless. Finding it very difficult as I'm friendly and nice but girls just don't like me lol

So which is it, you don't like them, they don't like you or both ? Most girls didn't like me in my teens because I refused to play ball with their way of socializing. Don't see why I should if it doesn't suit me either

For me I'd say it's both, I'm a I don't give a bleep what you think of me person, I find the girls I've tried to mingle with have a social agenda and because of this I've never fitted in. With guys it's just Hi I'm Blah, I like da dee daa and I'm accepted.
My partner suggested that the majority of my guy mates want one thing and if he was out of the way, they'd make their move. When we split up last year for a month, it was all too true, guys coming out of the wood work to take me out.
I don't have the emotional intelligence yet to understand a) barriers of trust and responsibility to my partner and b) how to get into social affluence with women. I'm too strong willed to play petty games of who can be the nicest, at gatherings and events I find this awfully difficult. But get me with the guys and I'm a barrel of laughs.

The way I see it is you make a joke with a girl and bamn it's an insult... I can't be dealing with people getting offended at me because they don't like MY sense of humour. But they'll bitch and whine behind your back about what you've said or done or about the way you act. Never would they confront you, for instance recently someone was talking to the brother-in-law and said "she's not fun at all, all she does is gets drunk, sits there quietly with the guys" DUH!!!!!!!!! That just means I don't like you and there's better company elsewhere, I don't want to talk to you for a reason.... (baring in mind I don't know who this person is) You bitch behind my back that's just one of the many reasons why I DONT want to speak to you. So I'm thinking my BPD is extra sensitive and can pick up on peoples agendas socially, whoever that was apparently was upset by my ignorant behavior, so my mind must of known she was a douche bag.

Anyway sorry for my semi-rant, one of the reasons I don't like girls.