I'm freaking out

This is more of a vent I suppose, so feel free to read or not but I just needed to get this out

For those of you who have been here for the last 6 months or so, you may have heard some of my relationship problems. Recently, I set a boundary, and now I'm scared shitless. I told my boyfriend a few weeks ago that I was refusing to resign the lease we have on our current apartment unless we enter into some type of relationship counseling. He told me today that apparently we need to make this decision by the end of this month, and asked me again what I wanted to do. I stayed firm, and said again that I was not going to sign the lease unless we get counseling. He's now blaming me for basically giving ultimatums and not respecting his opinions. (He doesn't believe in counseling-thinks it's a load of crap) He's saying that now I'm forcing him to get rid of all of his animals (He has something like 16 reptiles in the house) and live in his car. (He doesn't make enough money to live on his own)

Re signing the lease means basically that I'm "stuck" in this relationship with him for another year. We've been supposedly working on this relationship probably for about the last 6 months and I really don't see any improvement. He blames that on me, saying that I've been the one not working on this relationship, and that I haven't done anything to work on it.

This is triggering a lot of my fears of abandonment. My anxiety is ridiculous right now. I keep trying to tell myself that this is his choice and not feel bad about it. He's making the choice to live in his car. I've suggested to him before that he try and get a roommate, but for some reason he doesn't see that as an option. I have no idea where I'll live either. He's taken over my money so I don't have any savings or any way of saving for my own apartment. (It's a long story, I know I have a right to my own money...I'm working on this with my therapist) I don't know what this means for our relationship. I'm not saying to end the relationship. I'm just saying that I don't think we should be living together if we have so many issues.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A. sorry to hear about your situation

B. why do you think he needs to get therapy or at least couples therapy? is it necessary, if you and your therapist determine it is and he is not willing doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

C. ultimatums are tricky and become manipulation if they are not sincere, i've been there I told my ex i feel like i'd rather be dead than be without her, and as soon as she came back I didn't want her...sick game our emotions play on us...

D. It is harder to be alone i'm currently experiencing that...but it may be worse to be with the wrong person, (long-term)

Thank you for replying.

Despondent81 wrote:B. why do you think he needs to get therapy or at least couples therapy? is it necessary, if you and your therapist determine it is and he is not willing doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

My boyfriend went to my ex-therapist with me for months as a way to support me in my personal therapy. My ex-therapist after working with both of us in her office recommended we get couples counseling to work on our relationship issues as she was more there for my personal issues. Anyways, she got a new position and I've been with this new therapist for a few months. He is also recommending that we go to couples counseling due to our relationship issues. (Which are mostly difficulties with communication, some possible control issues on his part, as well as issues with our intimate/sexual relationship)

I can see your point about how it should be obvious that if he's not willing to go to counseling, then what does that say about what he's willing to put into our relationship. A part of me feels really guilty because I feel like I'm asking him to do something he is completely against. A part of me feels like it's akin to me saying, "if you don't join this church then I'm not going to be with you." But I guess some people do that too...

He's avoided me all night. After I stood my ground, he just turned off the TV and went to bed. I don't even know if I should go into the bedroom tonight. Like I said, does this mean as of tonight we're not in a relationship? I have no idea at this point.

Get back control off your money asap. Go to your bank, ask them to take the money out of the account if applicable-set up your own bank account but do not tell him about it.

Don't assume anything...and joining a church/religion is much heavier (to me at least) than seeing a qualified psychologist to make my relationship better.

Why do you want to be with him anyway? Is it comfortable, or is it real? Is it better than being lonely, or is it better than anyone else for you?

cheze2-

the devil says kick him to da curb! but the angel says how about a compromise? i got this from my T as in idea to try at home instead of bringing in my SO to a session.

1. each of you grab some paper & a pen.
2. each of you write down 5 things about the other person that you'd like to work on using FEELING words. i.e. it hurts me when you (fillintheblank).
3. fold up each of the statements and throw them in a hat.
4. each week, one of you draws from the hat and you sit down and rationally discuss the issue and what you're going to do in order to work on it. you don't draw again until you've mastered the problem.

what do you think?

interestedinlearning wrote:Get back control off your money asap. Go to your bank, ask them to take the money out of the account if applicable-set up your own bank account but do not tell him about it.

My friend had this same suggestion last night. I'm thinking about it...

Despondent81 wrote:Why do you want to be with him anyway? Is it comfortable, or is it real? Is it better than being lonely, or is it better than anyone else for you?

This is a tough question to answer. Did I love him at one point? yes. Over the past 9 months or so that has changed, and it's currently more like I love a good friend. As it stands right now, I'm not sure if that could change again if our relationship issues were fixed. At the moment it's probably that I'm still here because it's comfortable and because I don't have anywhere else to go tbh.

wineaux wrote: i got this from my T as in idea to try at home instead of bringing in my SO to a session.

1. each of you grab some paper & a pen.
2. each of you write down 5 things about the other person that you'd like to work on using FEELING words. i.e. it hurts me when you (fillintheblank).
3. fold up each of the statements and throw them in a hat.
4. each week, one of you draws from the hat and you sit down and rationally discuss the issue and what you're going to do in order to work on it. you don't draw again until you've mastered the problem.

what do you think?

This is a really good idea wineaux. It's definitely something I can bring up, but I just don't see us being able to rationally discuss anything at this point. I've tried bringing up things that bother me using the feeling words and I get, "That's not what happens, that you making things up in your mind." or "Don't give me that DBT crap"

Cheze2 wrote: At the moment it's probably that I'm still here because it's comfortable and because I don't have anywhere else to go tbh.

You deserve to be happy Cheze. To have a life and relationship that you truly want and makes you feel good about yourself. To be loved.

Don't lose sight of that.

We decided to pick out a relationship workbook and spend time together every week to go through it. This was our "meeting in the middle" compromise as most relationship workbooks are written by therapists, but it would still be just us working through our issues instead of a third party which is what he is strongly against.

I feel guilt for not sticking up for myself and giving in. I feel like I'm just setting myself up for failure. I honestly have little hope that things will get better, but I feel like I need to at least give it one more honest try. I feel defeated.