Getting over a Relationship

Greetings and Happy Holidays!

I've posted recently about a short-term relationship I was in. It was pretty intense, although with mini-rollercoasters, and ended recently (duration - 2 mos.).

As i lick my wounds and prepare to move on I find myself infatuated with her again and miss her dearly. I just ordered her flowers to her job for Thursday against my better judgment. But, there are so many great qualities about her that I miss and was beginning to love.

My triggers (new term you all taught me) were being apart from her and anytime I didn't get the line of communication my "stomach" expected I would react insecurely and short, thus making her feel untrusted and annoyed after awhile (obviously, she left).

My question is, assuming she thanks me for the flowers but redirects her emotion to moving on...How do I move on?

It took me to meeting her to really get over my ex of 1.5 years before her. I have a hard time being alone but an even harder time getting over someone, probably because I feel I will not meet someone as good, etc.

Any good techniques or at least stories to be shared?

Best D81

Perhaps with your situation it is not your ex you miss so much as just having SOMEONE to be with. Is that possible? Please allow me to explain:

I am still licking my wounds over a relationship that ended 1.5 years ago with a man that I know was not good for me. He was many, many bad things, and he was some good things, too. It took me a LONG time to realize that it is not "him" I miss, per se. I miss having someone with me and loving me and helping me and being there for me and having company at night and on and on and on. In the end of our relationship he was very mean to me and very non-understanding about my codition...yet I'm having such a hard time moving on, simply because HE was the last person I was with. Those terrible things he said to me have left mental scars that I can't get over and can't move on from. And I suffer. And I miss him even though I hate him at the same time. My situation is very screwed up and it is breaking me down farther than I ever thought it could.

Does this sound kind of familiar?

Yes, and thank you for sharing!

I also think a few things regarding this for PD people:

1. we get infatuated quick and the dissipation causes mass confusion emotionally
2. our out of wack emotions cause us to behave in "self-sabotaging" manners, although we are confused
3. when we "ruin" a relationship it will take time to sort out the particulars on whether it was them/us/both etc.

I have to say though that this girl has a lot of great qualities and I really wish I had more DBT strategies to help control my emotional impulses when insecure.

I'm fairly confident that If given the opportunity I could simultaneously date her, work on my DBT interventions, and build a solid foundation to support love. Problem is, I think she has read too much on the matter to give it another shot. And quite honestly the literature is written so poorly, vaguely and is scary.

If she is going to call the final shots then no matter when I think could be between us is a moot point. I need a way to get over her so I can be happy...I miss her and wanted to do so much with her.

Despondent81 wrote:we get infatuated quick and the dissipation causes mass confusion emotionally

I have to say though that this girl has a lot of great qualities and I really wish I had more DBT strategies to help control my emotional impulses when insecure.

I'm fairly confident that If given the opportunity I could simultaneously date her, work on my DBT interventions, and build a solid foundation to support love.
If she is going to call the final shots then no matter when I think could be between us is a moot point. I need a way to get over her so I can be happy...I miss her and wanted to do so much with her.

Some of what you said applies to me though I'm not sure what "PD people" are. Could you please explain?
I do get infatuated quickly. I am a poor judge of what love is versus being emotionally needy, and I'm thinking *maybe* you hit the nail on the head with your situation, as well - this woman is unable to deal with your insecurities, and she is at a point in her life where she desires something different and you working on your issues while simultaneously dating her won't work for her. (It didn't work for my ex, either. He never could understand that I was a work in progress, and he imagined that I would be "healed" in a much shorter time frame than it actually takes, and he wasn't willing to wait around for the changes)
I do agree that you need a way to get over her so that you can be happy; that is what I need in my life right now too, and unfortunately I am stuck, but I do know this: The answer lies within you and I, not our exes.

PD = personality disorder...i don't say BPD since the DSM V will rate is as a cluster/personality diagnosis with overlapping symptoms...

I sent flowers to the girl and sent several message to her indicating my desire to get dinner, explain myself, what i've learned and a hope to make things work. I asked her not to make a decision till after work tomorrow (when the flowers arrive) chances are she'll not want anything as her biological clock is reigning supreme and my insecurities are too threatening of a potential happy marriage and kids for her at this point

As i age (31) i get a bit weary as my health is great, I am in great physical shape and have the physique and strength of a 21 yr old, but am thinning slowly on the top and want to get my insecurities/emotions under control before I get too old to have kids etc.

Dating is such a bitch, and so is meeting people.

I try dating websites because meeting people out is tough as i assume no one would want me, I also generally drink when i go out which is terrible and if I don't drink or imagine going out and not drinking i get major anxiety like i won't have fun if i'm sober and don't meet anyone...it makes socializing a double edged sword...

Despondent81 wrote: As i age (31) i get a bit weary as my health is great, I am in great physical shape and have the physique and strength of a 21 yr old, but am thinning slowly on the top and want to get my insecurities/emotions under control before I get too old to have kids etc.

I try dating websites because meeting people out is tough as i assume no one would want me, I also generally drink when i go out which is terrible and if I don't drink or imagine going out and not drinking i get major anxiety like i won't have fun if i'm sober and don't meet anyone...it makes socializing a double edged sword...

Concentrate on getting a solid relationship first before you even think of children. Children are a huge commitment- I think you should really chat to people who have children to find out about the sleep deprivation feeding the baby at night, the constant worry over your child's welfare even when they're an adult etc.

The other thing I picked up on was "I assume no one would want me"-that's your issue right there. You already mentioned that you have a good body-women tend to like that lol. Also you're smart just judging from your posts so you're not giving yourself any credit there. Everyone has insecurities but to say that no one would want you is a bit harsh on yourself surely??

How much do you drink? Just curious about quantities.. You need to practice socialising without the drink and you'll actually feel more comfortable in your own skin when you do.

I don't like dating websites either tbh-I feel like everyone is better just getting out there and chatting to people in a normal environment-at work, doing hobbies, through friends etc..just in a more natural environment whereas with a dating website, it's a bit of a meat market which is not really conducive to a long-term relationship..it's fine for a fling.

Agreed on all points and thanks.

When I drink (2-4 times a month...although it's been over a month since my last incident) I drink till i blackout. It becomes a game/sport...I get a beer and it's gone in 5 minutes...next. I'm a lightweight to begin with so lately I've been sipping drinks slowly and after 3 I get a great buzz and realize I just need to let it kick in before consuming an abundance...

I'm happy that I am finally controlling that...

Being alone and not having love/affection/sex is draining...

bought a DBT book the the other day and tried 4 or 5 mindful techniques tonight...in conjunction with just being physically tired it is calming me down...I will certainly do this daily until it becomes a memory (BPD issues)

Despondent81 wrote:Agreed on all points and thanks.

When I drink (2-4 times a month...although it's been over a month since my last incident) I drink till i blackout. It becomes a game/sport...I get a beer and it's gone in 5 minutes...next. I'm a lightweight to begin with so lately I've been sipping drinks slowly and after 3 I get a great buzz and realize I just need to let it kick in before consuming an abundance...

I'm happy that I am finally controlling that...

Being alone and not having love/affection/sex is draining...

bought a DBT book the the other day and tried 4 or 5 mindful techniques tonight...in conjunction with just being physically tired it is calming me down...I will certainly do this daily until it becomes a memory (BPD issues)

The blackouts are a bad sign. I used to binge drink to numb my emotions and it really only works in the short term..that night really. The next day, I would feel incredibly depressed. How about cutting out alcohol for a while altogether and see how you get on? It's good that you're drinking beer though as opposed to spirits like whiskey etc-definitely just stick with the beer.

Re being alone-it sounds like you're describing the emptiness that borderlines experience. It's great that you bought a DBT book-the mindfulness will help with that feeling of emptiness so just keep up the DBT exercises

Do you have family and friends that you can hang out with in the meantime? I never expect a boyfriend to meet all my emotional needs-it's good to have a life outside of a relationship.