Ran across DBT exercise that made situation worse

The situation was this - it was a friends birthday, and I told her I wanted to take her out to eat somewhere. I told her she should pick, because if it were up to me we might end up at Five Guys. I mentioned I didn't have a problem with a fancy place however. She didn't really end up picking, and that night she said how she really wanted to go to IHOP for breakfast tomorrow. I figured this was her birthday "eating out".

After eating at IHOP I said I was paying, and she goes (something to the effect of) "Was this my birthday dinner? I wanted to go out somewhere fancy." I took this as "I'm keeping track of how much gets spent on me, and I'm disappointed instead of a fancy/expensive place, we made the mistake of going to IHOP." To sum it up, it was a misunderstanding which I got fairly upset over.

Ok, so, I did a mindfulness exercise in my DBT book where the goal seems to be to name the emotion you're feeling, notice the quality of it, use words to describe it, and try to notice change in the feeling. You keep "watching", describing, and letting go of distractions. The intent seems to be to realize that emotions come in waves, and that by focusing on an emotion you "box it", and it will change and diminish.

I did this later in the day, recalling the above situation. I don't think it worked the way as intended. I recalled the situation, definitely felt the previous feeling, then began focusing on it; describing it, and noticing the changes. I just got angrier, and more negative words and emotions popped up regarding this friend. Words and emotions that I was pulling in from other experiences with her. I found this a little upsetting, as the exercise wasn't working like I thought it should. I reread the instructions, and kept at it, and my emotions did change, but they went to more of a "she's a pathetic, petty person". Not at all what I would hope to be feeling.


So.. Anyone here familiar with DBT offer suggestions on this? What I did at the time was wait till we made it to the car, and told her flat out that it was a misunderstanding, except then when I explained how I had felt I realized that I was essentially brow-beating her for what I said myself was a misunderstanding. I dropped it, but the mood definitely chilled.


Very much appreciate any input,
Thanks

I struggle with this too actually. Sometimes I feel like naming the emotion and letting it wash over me like a wave doesn't help at all. So when those skills don't work I move onto other skills. Have you tried opposite-of-emotion? You don't bury/ignore the anger, but instead think if your anger feels disproportionate to the situation. If so, then acknowledge that you are feeling anger but that it is "over the top". This way, you know you feel angry and now you can try to make yourself feel another emotion by maybe smiling or doing other physical things that you would do if experiencing a more positive emotion. So when someone gets angry they tend to clench their jaw or grind their teeth or clench their firsts or get very tense. Opposite-to-emotion is where you consciously change your body language and relax a little and maybe put a smile on. But remember!!! You are NOT burying the emotion. I find that is the hardest part!!! haha

There are other skills too for emotional regulation. But that's just one suggestion.

Anyone else on the forum have input?

I personally struggle with mindfulness exercises, so I typically avoid them to be honest. I think that they are great for some people, but just not for me.

If I were in your situation I would use some form of distress tolerance (probably ACCEPTS, or IMPROVE) to get through the angry feelings that I was having before going back and talking to your friend and using a combination of GIVE and DEARMAN. There's many ways to go about using DBT and different people like to focus on different skills that work for them. Don't feel like what you did was wrong, because it definitely wasn't. It just wasn't effective for you at the time, which can happen using DBT. That's when you need to follow up with a another skill, and another skill, until the emotion passes.

Wow, thank you very much NihilismOppurtunity and Cheze2. It's nice that a place exists where I can actually get DBT-specific responses.

Hi kaGraphs!


I read intently what you wrote, and I thought that you displayed EXTREMELY high levels of understanding the DBT exercises.


But to be honest, even while using my active listening skills (through reading), I found that I thought she was kind of a cheapa$$ crap of a friend too. I do not think your DBT failed you. I think your friend upset you by asking more of you (by asking for 2 paid-for birthday dinners! Sheesh!)


Always remember with DBT - your wise mind will lead you where you want to go, but it does not always mean that the OTHER person in the situation is worth your time. DBT helps us figure that out without running everyone off, which of course, would then be OUR problem. Letting someone like her walk away may not be a bad idea.


<3


AMP

Hi every one,
this is an interesting situation.
It is possible when standard things occur between people, misunderstandings and such, we take a
really hard look and launch a skill , and intervention in our own behalf.
We are so geared to do it, because our wish and commitment to improve our lives is very sincere.

It is possible we are not BPD with our emotions 100% of the time. Particularly after we have done
the work aimed at feeling better.
Maybe the lesson announces itself in just this way. An employed skill appears not to work. Maybe it was not needed on this occasion. This then becomes part of the landscape we navigate. And what a happy
discovery.
Then, as very accurately described, it was simply a misunderstanding. No more, no less.
If the companion in the story reacted, that is on her. You then decide if this is a forgivable faux paux.
You learn something of your friend, and you learn a little more about your self as well.

I say you did a good job.