BPD, Boyfriends family and intense pain

I'm finding it very hard at the moment, it's hurting me to breathe, I'm trying so hard to keep it together at work and not cry.

I'm nearly 25 years old and I'm still sad about things that happened when I were 14/15. I am estranged from my family (my father a rapist, my mother an alcoholic who chose my father over me, my sister who stayed with them to play happy families, my brother who had a baby and chose my rapist/alcoholic parents to be in their lives) it is my choice that I am estranged. I don't want anything to do with my rapist father, however the rest of my family seem to like living with their head under the sand and pretending nothing happened. I can't do that. So I made the choice to leave. Though technically I felt rejected in the first place.

Flash forward to present day - I'm living with my lovely boyfriend, and though I'm still messed up over my family stuff (and I also had a diagnosis of BPD and Cyclothymia) I'm getting better. Except I'm struggling at the moment with my boyfriends family. His sister has recently had a baby - which has awoken a lot of thoughts I didn't know I had. I'm beginning to turn bitter. He went down to visit his sister this weekend to see the baby, but I didn't go, I feel a bit weird about it - it's not my family. I cried so much yesterday about it, because I think I feel left out of another family all over again - though why should I be part of their family?! I'm only Matts girlfriend! Plus it made me realise I'm never going to be the auntie or sister or have brothers/sisters/mother/father. The only family I will ever have is the one I would have to make myself.

Now he is texting me telling me his sister has asked to be godfather and frankly I don't really want to know. I'm turning bitter about it, and inside it just hurts. But I shouldn't feel like this, I should be happy for my boyfriend.

How do I switch my feelings off? How do I stop being bitter? How can I be normal around families without being so jealous/upset that I don't have one myself?

ANy thoughts greatly appreciated.

xxx

Are you in some kind of therapy right now? I think that would be of tremendous benefit to you at the moment.

I wish you the best it does sound like a hard situation to deal with..

I experienced this once on a smaller scale before. I had a friend who seemed to be really close to her father and I was envious as I don't have that. I had to talk to myself and say "look you never know what goes on behind closed doors". This friend's dad seemed to be a nice guy but everyone is on their best behaviour around guests anyways, every family is dysfunctional in some way (or well, at least most families) so you just never know what's really going on. That made me feel so much better and I tried to make the most of what I myself had. Whilst it would have been great to have a father figure as a child, I'm a fairly well-adjusted person now. I have overcome a lot of obstacles myself-I'm pretty determined when I want something and I just have a funny feeling you're the same too and that will always stand to you. I don't feel the loss now-it really is just a feeling of "what could have been". When I focus on my present, I'm really no worse off than anyone else. I think it also helped that I talked to other people about their dysfunctional families and realised that I wasn't the only one, that many people were doing well in their lives despite having less than ideal parents.

If I were you, I would focus on the things you do have like your boyfriend and I would advise you to visit the baby. Women are really emotionally vulnerable after giving birth so I would just pop in and visit his sister, even if it's just for a few minutes-she might be offended if you don't. If that's too much, then send a card to her wishing her well-just something to let her know that you're thinking of her. All that is easier said than done though so I agree with bpd77's suggestion of therapy too. Talking to someone about these things is really cathartic.

I'm sorry you're in pain. That's hard and this is an emotionally turbulent event for you.

One thought. You seem really clear about the source of pain, that it's related to experiences you had as a young person that have left you in this state of being sensitive and emotional and vulnerable.

Can you see that although your feelings about this event are overpowering, the reason for them seems to be things that happened in the past? Does that allow you to separate those things? Allow yourself to mourn and be upset about the history that effects you, while understanding that the things happening in your boyfriends family aren't harmful to you? I'm sure it's not easy, but maybe that's a path to validating your strong feelings while giving the current situation less emotional currency.

If it's possible to tell your boyfriend that you're in crisis or in pain about your own history, but the events in his family have brought them out in you? It might make it easier for him to be really supportive. To him the situation probably won't make much sense without that insight and he'd be at risk of downplaying or invalidating without meaning to.

All the best, you sound very aware and self honest.

It's like when my brother had his daughter, I was afraid my step dad was going to abuse her. He'd never do it, at least not that I have any reason to suspect he would. But I had fears he would. It's because I was raped, and something about the situations of my past was called into memory being associated with the present. I'm still working on trying to seperate this so that the associations aren't being made, but I wish I could help. *hugs* sorry.

It's hard. I really hope things improve for you.

spartacandream wrote:
It's hard. I really hope things improve for you.

thank you, that's kind. likewise of course. i think the separation is key, and i think a year went by between having it suggested and feeling like i could use the strategy. we're on long paths.