So fed up with my psychiatrist - zoloft, really?!

I have problems with verbosity and just want to rant this out of my system (so sorry, my thinking is not clear, or I will check this over and over for hours until I delete out of frustration), so *trying* to be quick - a little about me:

(Ok, I failed at quick, please feel free to skip most of this and get to my...well, I guess if it's just a rant, it doesn't matter, but if anyone has an opinion or experience to share, I would like to hear it.)

BPD (this forum - FINALLY, people like me, people who understand!...maybe?...I hope? ), a lot of other PD-traits (avoidant, OCPD (the lists, the lists - GAH!), probably some histrionic and narcissistic traits, PTSD except no "T" except for all that childhood I can't remember, but I can't go there), anxiety of all types (social, generalized, panic, agoraphobia), lifelong major depressive episodes and dysthymia...umm...that should give you an idea. Some diagnosed, some not, when nothing was diagnosed it made me mad and then when my chart filled up with dx's, it made me mad. Oh yeah - anger/rage issues, PMDD, sleep issues, something wrong with my hormones and recently my PCP is all concerned about "rapid" (it wasn't, although I'll admit it's a little odd, unexplained and possibly causing/exacerbating problems) weight loss, but it's not any eating disorder I ever learned about getting a psych degree (lots of factors - meeting with nutritionist soon). Also recently accidentally stumbled across a bunch of "minor" (odd? maybe much less severe?) Asperger's and sensory processing traits that also describe me perfectly - whatever, probably not even going to mention to doctors, I don't need more stress from them not believing me about one more thing ABOUT ME and labels can be good or bad and part of me is angry over "how did nobody notice and tell me??", but that usually just means I'm angry at myself and I guess I understand, because I have over-emotionality and way too much empathy - I feel everything, all the time, to such an extreme. Happy to have some of the strange little quirks I never understood explained in some way (I don't know why it comforts me but it does). (Plus - brain v body, physical v mental, imo (and seemingly backed by more and more research) there is no difference, just a lag in neuroscience knowledge, which is catching up. Just different models to describe the same problems in different ways.)

So much for quick.

The past 4-5 months have been major depression, agoraphobia (idk, I have the dx, but I guess my movie-influenced notions that it means people never leave the house were very wrong, I do...sort of...but it also explains a lot), almost complete social isolation - not good, not fun.

I've been dealing with most of this my entire life that I can remember. I've had a psychiatrist and tried SO MANY DRUGS over the past 7-10 years (but the good one, the one I liked, moved to another state). Therapy for...past couple of years? (Memory loss- thanks ECT and depression!) Therapist that I trusted, kind of, I think, until my crappy, crappy health insurance provider (I know I'm so lucky to have insurance at all, especially as I'm on a COBRA extension) - well, HIPAA prevents me from knowing exactly what happened, but I don't think someone specializing in patients with abandonment issues would have just up and left that quickly without some sort of conflict. (Might get to start with him again Monday - terrified.)

So, months of depression. A few med tweaks. And then - I don't know. I don't even know. The world turned upside down. Paradoxical responses to everything. But not with timing that made sense. And not in ways I've ever really experienced before. Opposite symptoms. Strange. Visited the schizophrenic forum to assure myself that wasn't it and then - aren't psych drugs fun? - I don't remember the last week or two or three or whatever. Anger, anxiety, dreams again, opposite GI reactions, memory worse than usual, brain confusion. Might be hormone related - PCP last said something about IUD not doing what it was doing because something something uterus wall, cells not touching, I don't know. Might be lots of things. Finally realized last week that the 3-4 RAGING ANGER incidents I had in a week were "hypoglycemia" (or - I don't know - I haven't been tested and I don't know what to call that, the thing that has all the same symptoms). Felt pretty stupid for not realizing it sooner. Luckily was not arrested or locked up. Overdosed on internet-hypoglycemia info, saw something suggesting propranolol could cause it, sent psychiatrist's nurse message asking if safe to decrease. Started to decrease. A medication I was taking (and that was actually helping in a noticeable way, so sad) for anxiety. Needless to say (or I think so anyway) - it wasn't an easy week. ANXIETY! etc. But I knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at the end of the week and at least my memory seems a little better again (I can remember what happened yesterday, yay!).

But my psychiatrist kind of sucks. But he kind of doesn't (didn't), and the therapist I liked swore that nobody else ever had a problem with him and if I consider him simply as a prescription-writer and nothing else, I guess he was ok. (Cannot get any sort of read on him to save my life and it drives me crazy.) 20 minute appointments every 4-6 weeks and I honestly clocked him at a whole 3 minutes once. That's what I got. 3 minutes. But he at least seemed kind or not mean and wasn't forcing drugs on me and was open to suggestions, and I had a lot of problems getting a new psychiatrist when the good one moved (I need a written letter "releasing" me from care before I can schedule with a new one, how is that legal???? sorry, separate rant), so I stuck with him.

But yesterday. GRRRRRR. I go in all excessively-anxious and all that, obvious from everything about me and I told him (as fast as I could, because the 20 min appointments always start about 10 minutes late) everything going on and he just poo-poos EVERYTHING! (I guess he's probably sort of done this in the past, maybe this was my last straw.)

I KNOW I'M NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AND HE IS, BUT I'M THE ONE LIVING THIS CRAP!!!! (And I do have psych and neuro degrees, although admittedly old and mostly useless, but I know something.)

Could it be the propranolol? I mean, doesn't it decrease adrenaline, so wouldn't decreasing the med mean I'm getting more now? Him: no, no, blah blah, no (but at least he let me stay on a reduced dose)

And then (I think this was fairly unprecedented), I don't know, uncharitable me thinks he was just in a hurry to get my appointment over and start his weekend (because the day before, they switched my appointment scheduled 6 weeks ago from 12:40 to 10:20 because he had to leave at noon) he starts in on how I've tried all these meds (yeah, DUH, it was LOADS of fun trying all this crap with minor and major side and life effects and nothing ever worked) and you know, I think I finally got some sort of read on him (or maybe it was my anxiety/paranoia), but it really, really felt like (I know - FELT, feeling, not thought) he was basically accusing me of being the problem or non-compliant or the reason the meds have never worked. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO SMASH BUILDINGS! (On a positive note in this whole mess of the last however many weeks - I've felt definite increased impulse control.)

Him: We've tried blah and blah and all the anti-depressants, geodon didn't work (PET PEEVE - oh yeah, geodon didn't work? You don't say? Yeah, I remember that (how, I don't know) - yeah, random doctor in the hospital decided to put me on that, but obviously it's my fault that they gave me ONE DOSE, did an EEG (EEK? what's the heart test?) and then TOOK ME OFF IT IMMEDIATELY, all very hush hush of course, I'm not a person with a right to know what was so alarming that ONE DOSE caused so much concern (I know, I have a right to my records - depression, avoidance, bad at everything - just ranting here, angry, I know it's not productive, but neither is glaring at my innocent pets).

So he gets back on his dictaphone, because he's a middle-aged white man too lazy to learn how to type (dictaphones are awesome, but really, c'mon) and is just like - well, you've tried every other SSRI on earth (I am exaggerating only a tiny bit), but let's put you on Zoloft.

(IMPORTANT NOTE to anybody reading this far: the following is my personal experience with SSRI's. They seem to work very differently for different people, probably because nobody *really* seems to know how they actually work - I know, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, but there's more theorizing than science right now. So don't listen to me like I know what I'm talking about. I think I know what I'm talking about for ME, but that's it.)

Me: SSRI's don't work for me.
Me: I hate SSRI's.
Me: I told you 2 minutes ago that I was having SSRI-like dreams again and want/NEED them to stop.
Me: All I get are nasty and sometimes REALLY NASTY side effects. Going up and down.
Me: I thought I just read that it's officially been decided that they don't work at all, it's all placebo effects. Stopping them is hell and makes you think they must have worked and that's it. (AGAIN, please note, I'm sure this is controversial, talk to your doctor or at least research it yourself.)
Me: And I keep reading others' experiences that even if they take them and they help, when they stop, they rebound into another depressive episode.
Me: And that they're possibly messing up the serotonergic systems in my brain permanently.

I probably didn't say all this, just mumbled some of it. But he dismissed it all. And I went along with it. It's pathetic, but it's what I do. I'm always terrified of rejection and abandonment and I was getting the vibe that he was sick of me and going to drop me or blame me or label me non-compliant and I am struggling with life enough right now. (Don't know how skewed this thinking was by all the anxiety weirdness yesterday. I'd be kind of relieved if I suddenly understand him in some way, because he's really, really strange to me, it freaks me out, like he must be a robot or just a totally "doesn't care at all" sociopath (no offense to anybody?), but I know my thinking has been and was very off, about everybody.)

So I got the Zoloft. And switched my benzo from Lorazepam to Clonazepam because the 2nd will make me too sleepy in the long run, but with how I was feeling...well, sleepy makes me harmless at least. And you know, yesterday, in some sleepy Clonazepam stupor, I felt relief. Just a respite, a break. And I really needed that. So that was good.

Today - take the first zoloft. AND AGAIN - WAT????

Maybe it's the clonazepam (old doctor - benzos can cause depression, this guy - oh, no), maybe reducing/masking the anxiety revealed the depression (I didn't really think it just *POOF* went away, I felt like it was hiding in the corner maybe, afraid of me or the other weirdness temporarily ate it) because I know SSRIs don't (I guess I should say normally, because nothing has been normal, I'm down the rabbit hole) work this fast, they take 4-6 weeks, not 12 HOURS! But I'm back to depression and (can you believe I'm not even to my rant yet) a sudden disappearance of all libido.

About that. Mini-rant: I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE DISMISSING LOSS OF LIBIDO/SEXUAL FUNCTION AS A SIDE EFFECT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. The sneers and rolled eyes. It's not that my depression has not been bad enough that I wouldn't sacrifice a great deal to control it, it's that I lost a decade and possibly a marriage and FOR WHAT???? Because no SSRI worked for me! If they ever made me feel better or different, I suspect I might have a different opinion on this. Oh, depression, anhedonia, lets take away sex too! I have enough sex issues, I was finally started to get to, I don't know, like a 12 year old's level of knowledge, at an embarrassingly old age (this is worded poorly, I don't know how to word it but I am not endorsing pedophilia in any way) after ditching the SSRI's a year ago and now I'm just back to one more area of my life in which I was trying to make progress, maybe was, thought I might be able to, but no, it's failure, I can ditch that, I can have another failure, another regret, another BAD instead of GOOD. Another shame instead of something to enjoy or look forward to. And I'm angry that this is just expected too - well, I should just listen to the smart doctor and I don't deserve things "normal" people do. (I'm having problems dealing with things lately. Not sure why. Just accepting "life is suffering" and all that. Stalled.)

BUT THIS ISN'T EVEN MY RANT YET!!!!! (I know, I'll run into a character limit or (correct) moderation or nobody will read this giant wall of text, but...everything I do is basically a waste of time, so I keep typing.)

I don't trust doctors. Experience. And I used to work with them and, well, they're not infallible. Good or bad, I do my own research. So I start the most cursory of research of Zoloft (one site, then wikipedia) and OH HERE IS MY RANT, HERE IS MY MOST MAJOR ANGER OF THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!

All that weird stuff I told my doctor about? That I *really* need to stop? IT'S GOT A NAME, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT! Dysphoric mania. A risk when taking Zoloft.

From wikipedia:

"In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state, also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode, is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously, such as agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage. Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated or be prone to fits of rage in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most problematic period of mood disorders, during which susceptibility to substance abuse, panic disorder, commission of violence, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly."

THIS IS EVERYTHING I VERY, VERY HONESTLY TOLD HIM THAT I HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING AND THAT NEEDS TO STOP BECAUSE I CANNOT TAKE IT AND I'M GOING TO GET ARRESTED OR COMMITTED...AND HE PUTS ME ON A DRUG THAT CAN CAUSE IT?????????????? (Him dictating for chart: "...prescribed for panic disorder...")

I hope I'm overreacting and catastrophizing, because this seems related to bipolar and as far as I know, I don't have bipolar, I don't think I have bipolar and I don't think any doctors think or have thought I have bipolar. And I don't think I've ever had a manic episode.

Also, I am not concerned about self-harm or suicide attempts because I had my years of that and...I'm not trying to minimize anybody's pain or experiences, but I seem to be afraid to die or something and I've stopped and, I don't know, it's hard to explain, but in an existential sort of way, I seem to be at a point where it seems as pointless as everything else. (Oooh, bad brain, now I'm thinking "but what about relapse", "what makes you think you've seen as bad as it gets, you know you believe it can always get worse". Whatever brain, shut up.)

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm afraid to speak up and say "shove your zoloft, you're a crap doctor" because I think I have alienated so many of the psychiatrists my insurance will cover already and been labeled bad things and such (some of it my fault because of my anger and some of it just unfair, untrue crap because of how I (can I say "we") get treated for being "crazy"). I've been pretty paranoid and I'm afraid to not just toe the line with everybody, even good therapist and PCP who I kind of trust. They're sick of me. My family is sick of me. My (distant, not in the same city) friends are sick of me and few. I'm sick of me. Everybody thinks I'm being difficult (at least in my head and probably in real life), but they haven't experienced so many drug and doctor failures and ... betrayals (for lack of a better word). Why would I put my faith in any of this? It has failed me in spectacular ways, almost every step of the way. And every single person in my own life that I've heard the story of how they were diagnosed with a mental illness has gone along the lines of "well, they thought it was X and then Y and then Z, but now they say I'm Pi" and one of those has always been bipolar. Well, except for me, I guess, but even that - I kind of accidentally got a few of my medical records and...read them and now I'm going "I'm ADD? I have PTSD?" I try not to get caught up in labels, but I don't exactly put a lot of faith in diagnoses, even from almighty doctors. (Yes, I am so angry at doctors lately, and I need to let it go, it's just hatred consuming me. I know, I fail at doing.)

From the movie "The Royal Tenenbaums":

Raleigh: [Into tape recorder, softly] Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.
Dudley Heinsbergen: [from adjoining room] I'm not color blind, am I?
Raleigh: I'm afraid you are.

just kidding. i wanted to get a giggle out of you!! teehhehee.

i TOTALLY know what you're talking about/going through. i've gone through many a P just to find the 'right' dispensatory doc that i could at least tolerate and would listen when i came in with negative reactions to my meds. and yes, the BS 20min meetings that turn to 3min meetings...or the ones you wait an hour for because someone else sucked up your time because the dr let them.

question...because i hate SSRIs too - i'm on an SNRI and they rock for me. and they don't have sexual side effects or weight gain. have you tried any?

btw...check out crazymeds.org if you want to read into some real people experiences with meds. that site is hilarious and educational.

GOOD LUCK.

Hee hee, no worries, typing it all out (and probably clonazepam - I really wish benzos didn't have such tolerance/addiction risks/issues) calmed me down and I have become aware over the years that what I consider "I'm just angry" apparently really, um, is scary for Nons (I was going to say "normal people", but I don't really like that term and the implications, I've been lurking here for months and for some reason using "Nons" (NONS?) just tickles me pink).

I had a lot more good, "rational" thoughts afterwards (thank you therapy! I think it's finally working, or more aptly, I'm finally managing to implement it), like:

+ I'll talk about it with Good Therapist tomorrow.
+ He will have good advice.
+ He probably doesn't hate me. No, I know he doesn't. Well, probably.
+ I can switch psychiatrists and maybe it's time and I think Pretty Good PCP will support/help me in this (ohhh...ohh...codependency...well, hmm).
+ Maybe I could even gather up enough (medicated) courage to ask him "wtf?". (eh - maybe not worth the time/stress)
+ I think I have the impulse control (and laziness and agoraphobia) not to drive over, throw the bottle of Zoloft at him, scream and storm out! (That was a joke. )
+ I'm lucky, I'm not in a hospital, nobody is or can force the Zoloft down my throat right now.
+ Holding off on starting it for a week wouldn't be a disaster.
+ Taking the "low dose" (I react strongly to low doses of everything) for a week or month probably wouldn't be a disaster.
+ Why am I concerned about sex??? My social interaction is people paid to see me (doctors) and 5 immediate family members, 2 under the age of 5!
+ I finally made a user name and posted something here! And you all didn't drive me out with pitchforks! Or you didn't! (Yet...well, even if it's "yet", I'll take it.)

Maybe most importantly - I think this must mean I'm making progress on taking care of me and figuring out self-compassion and stopping the perpetual self-hatred. I know the truth of my experiences. It doesn't matter what other people think. (I believe that, vehemently. Half of me anyway. Other half - exact opposite. As always, with everything.) I can't fix the world's ignorance, even if I want to...at least not right now. (I am failing at adequately feeding myself right now - yeesh.) I need to fix myself first.

Poodles, all this positivity and optimism is really making me uncomfortable. Moderation. Baby steps. Time to move on.

Before I forget, thank you for your response. It really means a lot, helps a lot, making me cry a little level. I feel like you probably get what I'm saying without me needing to go on. (Hey, maybe I'll become less verbose, at least here - don't have to try and try and try to explain what most people will probably never get. I think BPDs need words that don't exist yet.)

And, as mentioned, I've been lurking for a few months and you're an angel of some sort. You and MissAli and JohnnyBlazes and the other moderators (and other posters here too) - spending so much time helping people - you really are. (I have crushes on all of you because you're nice. The smilies I am purely in love with.)

SNRIs! Unfortunately, Effexor is my mortal enemy. It's on my "never, ever, ever again" list. It is what helps me remember to not give "really enthusiastic because I want to help everybody and some med helped me" advice to random people on the internet, because I've met many for whom it was great - but I feel like it almost killed me. But can't really remember/say why. Just BAD. (I think I remember emotionally better than other ways.) Well, the not being able to tell dreams from reality (also happens to some degree for me with SSRI's, but this was uber-that) and constant fog and kind of feeling like when I was walking I was really floating 2 feet above the ground, I remember that. And getting off it was bad (it was my 2nd ever psych drug, after Prozac (just nada), prescribed by a psych-clueless PCP and after describing how bad it was, he upped the dose and I just took it, so yeah, I'm kind of having flashback anger with the zoloft now). No brain zaps though!

I'm probably over-thinking (Good Therapist: get out of your head and into behavior!), but after I posted my rant last night, more oddness - I...think I laid down my head and immediately fell asleep. Weird dreams. Luckily woke up to put the pets to bed, etc. While doing so, was dizzy in a different way (I have lots of dizzy, and they're different, and I can never describe or communicate those adequately either) and nauseous and then "OMG, THIS IS LIKE THE EFFEXOR WAS!". But that was so many years ago and my memory is crap and I have to seriously consider I'm projecting/making everything fit. Because I had also realized I forgot to include in my rant some stuff about dopamine and wellbutrin. And 1 dose after 12 hours producing dramatic effects? I think I have some sensory processing issues, but that seems unlikely for an SSRI.

Is Wellbutrin an SNRI? (Looked it up - guess it doesn't so neatly fit into a category like others.) I don't hate Wellbutrin, it just pushes me over to the mania side of the scale. I don't think real mania, but I don't want to find out. My thoughts become...not so good, but I'm luckily aware that what my brain is telling me to do is a bad idea. And I take Adderall, and it's kind of my Old Faithful, most effective for-me drug ever, and the 2 stimulating effects together are probably not a good idea (words from my Psychiatrist actually, but I agree).

Which segues me nicely to...crazymeds.org! OMG, I LOVE THAT SITE, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT! Well, I did, back in the day - it was a life-saver, the goldest of the gold, but that domain-name incident happened and when I checked it a few months ago, I cried because I thought it was gone and corporate-ized and just full of the same useless fact sheet info from the drug companies. (I don't know, it looked different and I couldn't find some med I was trying to look up.) But that is where I went last night and it DOES still have some (maybe all) of the GOOD, AWESOME, WONDERFUL info I remember! LOVE RETURNED! It did for Zoloft! It's what led to my rant! I trust that info and what it says about Zoloft has me very frightened. And I know no medical doctor will believe it, but it says something about Zoloft and dopamine (my psychiatrist KNOWS (or should, I've mentioned it repeatedly) that every drug affecting dopamine I've tried I've had to discontinue very quickly due to adverse side effects). And mentions the oddity of giving anxious people a drug that is known to cause anxiety. And is why I looked up dysphoric mania. And something about Wellbutrin - again, psychiatrist, YOU agreed that wasn't the best idea so why....blarg/rant/won't waste my time on another one.

(And yes, it's hilarious. I always liked the "really rare side effects/I promise this is not going to happen to you" sections. I didn't really ever think I was going to get the lamictal fatal skin-eating rash thingy, but I enjoyed telling people I might succumb to a fatal rash...because I'm kind of a bad person, sometimes. All time favorite was for Risperdal: "Rabbit Syndrome. Duck syndrome! Rabbit syndrome! Duck syndrome! Sorry." (On a different note, I am really, really, sincerely sympathetic to anyone who has had the extreme misfortune to experience any of these side effects, or just syndromes, not caused by psych meds.))

Ok, sorry for the novel. It's not just fast typing/trouble restraining myself, it's going on 2 years of social isolation and extreme loneliness. No need to respond. (Well - I guess that's kind of insulting, to imply you are not your own person who would make your own decisions, sorry.) It helps just to type it and get it out (and I don't know why word docs/emails to myself haven't helped as much) and know people understand.

Now I must DO and switch activities to avoid perseveration and prep for tomorrow to try to combat the anxiety and let's face it, I'm sure my mood is going to completely bounce any second now, so distraction and getting out of my head is probably a good idea right now. (Right now. Did you hear me, me? Right now! Stop rechecking this! Right now!)

Thanks again, for your humor and compassion and understanding and advice and cute kitty.

(RIGHT NOW! )

Duloxetine (Cymbalta) <---gained LBS!!
Venlafaxine (Effexor, Effexor XR) <---been there, zapped that
Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq) <---this stuff ROX!!!

keep me updated on how it went!

"good" therapist spent 50 minutes acting like he believed me, etc. and then the last 10 minutes abandoning me by fulfilling just about every thing on the "reasons I am terrified" list I made this morning when I couldn't stop crying out of fear for several hours. The list I showed him.

I trusted him. For 2 years.

I needed help.

shattered

Bad always follows good or hope or optimism (as if I know what "good" is), the universe always punishes me for trying or hoping, stupid, stupid me.

I know there is no bottom, I know it can and will always get worse, but I fall for it every time, maybe because it doesn't even make sense, this shouldn't have happened, nobody will believe, just like he wouldn't believe (all of a sudden), because it's some special hell for me. I'm a monster and I'm being punished and They say that's irrational, but it's the only thing that fits. (I am so broken right now and I can't even really believe he's bad. He's not. It's me. It's always me. It's got to be me.)

I know I'll just never hear from him again because it's always my fault and it's always the crazy person's fault and if I really wanted to get better I would just somehow follow the inconsistent rules and avoid the inevitable. (But stupid, stupid me will hope, and hope and hope that somehow I'll be worth it, like some random patient would be worth it, when I can't even get any non-paid person to care the tiniest bit, to even talk to me, in real life.)

I don't even know how to temporary-cope.

No, I can't talk to another doctor, this was my last hope and random'll lock me up.
Family- they'll lock me up.
Friends - they'll tell my family to lock me up and then less friends, because how can they understand, they can't.

Can't tell anyone real about the pain or they'll lock me up. Hide behind a fake smile when I can't stop crying.

Can't contact him in any way, to vent or question or beg or anything. Couldn't ever trust again.

I can't even be "properly" self-destructive - ugly, gross, isolated, agoraphobic, can't drink, don't have drugs, can't psych-drug-sleep for 3 days, can't stop crying (every day, every day), SH better be invisible or fam will lock me up or drop all support (and at this point, what's the point?), can't end it, have to "keep on pushin' through" (already wasting time I don't have grieving-oh-wait, I mean "having this pity party") and hurry up and get back to useless tasks for stupid Thanksgiving so I can grin and fake it for the family! Get back to trying to fix all my other real life problems I will never ever manage.

Please, please just ignore this. (This isn't "please ignore this by which I mean please talk to me" - yes I know I do that, but this isn't - I really can't handle any more of anything. A day to perfect some fake smiles and stories is going to be tough as it is. I need to suppress and repress and hope feeling never comes back this time. I will be wrong.) Yeah, I don't know why I'm posting then. I'm stupid. I don't want to leave someone nice hanging. I'm stupid. Just delete account and all posts maybe, I always fail online, I always fail.

I trusted him.
I trusted him.
I trusted him.

whywhywhywhywhy, stop, just stop, just please, please STOP.

HI there!!! I've read your posts, and I wanted to put my ten cents in (and as JB says - sorry, no refunds!!)


First off - welcome to the forums!!! You have no idea how many of us started out as lurkers, only to find our voices and reach out to others for comraderie, help, and support. We're really glad to have you here :0). It means a lot when someone feels comfortable enough to come out of the woodwork to participate...

And about your doctors/meds, etc. - I really feel that you should write down what is important to you, and how you feel about your meds, PRIOR to going into your next appointment. That way, you don't get flustered, you don't get rushed out, and your feelings and concerns are heard. I know that no one can guarantee that someone will take it all into account, but at least it would ease your fears of not getting your chance to say what matters to you - and validation is important.


And I got a REAL chuckle out of your comment about the use of the word "Non's" :0). I think we all start to think in those terms at some point.


Welcome to the family! Ask for any support or help you need, and give to others when you are feeling well enough to do so! It's the only fee of being on the BPD forum :0). No limits on credit here, either! LOL!


<3


AMP