Introduction & a quick question!

Hello, forum!

Figured I'd start with a quick (hopefully, I digress and over explain frequently, I'm afraid - please also excuse my language) introduction so as to not be the new guy who immediately spills all her problems on strangers in hopes they can clean up my mess!

I'm Priscilla, and I was diagnosed with BPD about two and a half years ago.. I've never been formally treated however, and am finally ready to start the process of possibly understanding/calming the storm that is my day to day life. I start therapy again in just a few short weeks..

When I was first diagnosed.. I ran. I didn't want to admit that this was me. I was in denial, and kept trying to find excuses as to why I couldn't possibly be borderline. So, one day at about one in the morning I said "###$ this". My cat, a few changes of clothes, and I were on a plane to wherever wasn't "here" (ended up being Phoenix) at five AM the same day. Not even so much as a goodbye to anyone I knew, because (go figure) they probably didn't like me and wanted me gone anyways!
Upon turning my entire life upside down on a whim, turns out.. Things didn't really get any better.
I'm what you could call a 'textbook' case of BPD, in many ways, I fit BPD to the T. That being said, however I consider myself to be a 'quiet' borderline as far as rage issues are concerned. It's not that I don't have rage issues, I just internalize my anger. As well as my anger being typically a little harder to set off than my other emotional "outbursts". Here in Phoenix, I consulted with another doctor, and this time I lied my ass off about what was happening in my head, chalking it up to depression, I was put on Paxil. Guess we all know that didn't help. I took it so sporadically it didn't even have a chance.

In the meantime, my love life was it's typical trainwreck of emotionally over fueled and short lived romances, and more one night stands than I honestly want to admit to. The rest of my life? Jack Daniels, and pain killers.. Then, I met my current boyfriend who this whole thing is going to end up being about (hello, codependency).

Things have been a rollercoaster since we started dating two years ago, however he didn't see it coming until we moved in together six months ago. Like I said, I internalize everything. I never ever let him see a single bit of my "crazy" (his words, not mine) until after we moved in together.. Being around each other constantly, it's a little hard to hide BPD.

Here's I guess where my question comes into play;

After dating for nearly two years, and after that two years being emotional hell, clearly he knows something is amiss with me.. But I've never actually admitted to him that I was previously diagnosed with BPD. I've just let him think that I'm oblivious.. Now that I'll be starting therapy, I feel obligated to tell him. But I feel like I've lied to him about it, by letting him deal with my instability for so long without ever mentioning it. I guess.. I'm terrified that when I tell him this, he'll leave.

How do you "come out" with this kind of news when you've kept it hidden for so long?

I don't think I have any sort of useful or good answer or advice, so I'm sorry about that, because I really wish I did.

But maybe a little "learn from my mistake" - be careful what you send him to for resources on BPD. I don't mean to be manipulative or controlling or try to hide any potential negatives from him (not to suggest that you would do this or that a person with BPD would be prone to do this), just that there is a lot of negative information about BPD out there and some of it has the message "dump the person (with BPD) and run". (Personally, I think I'm really understating how bad the stigma is, and some of the books, but my opinions are very colored by my own experience and I think that when that anger is not internalized, it is sometimes turned against a loved one, verbal and emotional abuse can ensue and nobody deserves that, and the appropriate action has to be for the abused person to leave, even if they leave a sick partner.) I don't want to say it's good that you're internalizing it, but...I don't know how to finish this, therapy can be very helpful and I hope it helps you. Ideally work with him and keep communicating, so if he comes across scary-sounding or confusing things, you can talk about them together.

I don't know if that makes sense and I feel like an egotistical monster (me, me, me, me, me!), sorry.

I think the disorder and facing it is scary and you are being very brave. I think it's the right decision to not keep it from him, but again, sorry I don't have better suggestions. Hopefully he will be able to learn about what life is like for you, why you do some of the things you do and (at least eventually if not right away) respond with compassion and empathy. Your post seemed very honest and that is usually a good way to go - tell him how frightened you were/are, how it literally caused you to run and how frightened you are to tell him about it and hopefully he will see how much you care for and respect him that you're facing that fear.

There may be people in the world in denial about it or not self-aware of it, but I don't really think there's anyone out there who hasn't experienced fear or even probably shame or regret about things they could have done differently. Nobody is perfect.

(I've seen others say a book called "The Buddha and the Borderline" (I think?) is good, but I haven't read it myself. I'd read it yourself first (or anything). I personally do not recommend "Stop Walking on Eggshells".)

Oh - codependency - yeah...if you find a solution to that one, could you please share it with me? Ha ha...(in a crying more than laughing sort of way).

i would grab a couple of books and throw a bow on it and say...tadah! let's talk. seriously about who i am and where i've been. letting him know you want him involved in your recovery is a great way to validate your need for him in your life as well it's in our nature to think that things will be worse than the actual outcome. he loves you...ALL OF YOU. keep that in mind

Welcome Bakes!!

bakesaurus wrote:So, one day at about one in the morning I said "###$ this". My cat, a few changes of clothes, and I were on a plane to wherever wasn't "here" (ended up being Phoenix) at five AM the same day. Not even so much as a goodbye to anyone I knew, because (go figure) they probably didn't like me and wanted me gone anyways!

I admire you for this. Even if it didn't end up being what you wanted it to be. At least you did it. I have so so many times thought of doing something like that and never did. At least you took the chance.

bakesaurus wrote:Then, I met my current boyfriend who this whole thing is going to end up being about (hello, codependency).

The upside to this is eventually you come to a point where you question who is more dependent of who.

bakesaurus wrote: I never ever let him see a single bit of my "crazy" (his words, not mine) until after we moved in together

He may already be questioning some of your behaviors. I think sitting him down and explaining to him about BPD is beneficial for both of you if you trust him. It gives you a foundation to build on and will maybe save you both some pain and confusion.

I know how you feel when it comes with trying to explain to someone about BPD. I get terrified to what will come of of it.

But I think the best thing you can do is just be as honest and as vulnerable as possible. He will see the honesty and sincerity if you can do this. This should help him with the news...be less of a BAM so to speak.

Get yourself really knowledgeable (if you aren't already) about BPD and try to get an understand of what it is like for others who love someone with BPD. Have resources like books like wineaux mentioned. Knowledge is power right? Encourage him to ask questions and ask him questions like "how are you feeling about this so far?, ask him in a neutral tone "do you understand what I am trying to communicate (bc it is so complex) to you right now?", and "is there anything I can do for you right now or is there anything you need right now?". Let him really understand that you know how difficult this must be for him. But on the flip side, I feel that it is important for you to communicate how HARD this is for you to have the conversation. Tell him how you feel and what emotions you are experiencing while the conversation is going on.

Just be open and go with the flow of the conversation. Try not to be defended and just be yourself.

Thank you much, everyone. I haven't quite gotten up the nerve to bring up this conversation, nor have I had the time. Last night was a little crazy on it's own. I'm struggling with trying to "keep it together" when I feel so fragile and scattered all the time. And I know he sees that..
He's a very smart guy, so no doubt he's definitely questioning my behaviors already, I just don't know that BPD has crossed his mind yet as it's not your run of the mill diagnosis. Just last night he even made a comment about how it's possibly a good thing I'm very 'self-aware' that there's a problem.. So I suppose I'm on the hunt for good reference material to present him, and the nerve to do it.

I really appreciate the feedback. The hardest part is that I know we've been through so much already that he wouldn't leave me over this.. It's just convincing myself of that five minutes from now when I think it's time to bring this up.. lol

bakesaurus wrote:Thank you much, everyone. I haven't quite gotten up the nerve to bring up this conversation, nor have I had the time. Last night was a little crazy on it's own. I'm struggling with trying to "keep it together" when I feel so fragile and scattered all the time. And I know he sees that..
He's a very smart guy, so no doubt he's definitely questioning my behaviors already, I just don't know that BPD has crossed his mind yet as it's not your run of the mill diagnosis. Just last night he even made a comment about how it's possibly a good thing I'm very 'self-aware' that there's a problem.. So I suppose I'm on the hunt for good reference material to present him, and the nerve to do it.

I really appreciate the feedback. The hardest part is that I know we've been through so much already that he wouldn't leave me over this.. It's just convincing myself of that five minutes from now when I think it's time to bring this up.. lol

I'm going to go ahead and toss it out to you that in six months living together, he probably already ran into many of the negative aspects of BPD - I doubt him finding the 'negative' information is going to be a shock to him.

You waste time and energy stressing over when to tell him; just get it over with.

I'm going to go ahead and toss it out to you that in six months living together, he probably already ran into many of the negative aspects of BPD - I doubt him finding the 'negative' information is going to be a shock to him.

You waste time and energy stressing over when to tell him; just get it over with.

Well, it's a little tough love.. But I can agree, and even appreciate the valid point..He's definitely seen my worst..