What the hell is this? *embarassed

Now, I ve been embarassed for so long with my behaviour and trying to cover it up - but yesterday I reached a whole new level of loweliness. Am so embarassed an angry with myself!
To cut a long story short, I have this ex - we were seeing each other for 4 years from the age of 14-18 - due to my messed up family background I really owe him a lot, and if it was not for him and his dad, I am not sure where I would have ended up. Anyway, our relationship kinda ran its course when I turned 19, I guess I wanted to see other people and live my life as a single person etc etc - but we stayed friends, he got married and had kids. I never found anyone to match up to him - so am still single.

Fast forward 14 years now to yesterday (14 years!) - after a few messages with him on facebook - I m convincing myself that he is the One, he has always been and I need him back. So, I sort of write a lengthy email to him not necessarily embarassing myself to that extent to say that I want to be with him, but pretty much hinting at it that no-one has ever matched up to him...which of course is true, but he really did not have to know this after 14 years apart?!

What is really concerning to me is the mania I went through the whole day...I mean I was literally planning my wedding with him, his divorce first of course (LOL), naming of our babies, where we gonna live...and I just could not stop myself. It was really like some crazy episode. I was unable to focus on anything else the whole day. I was stuck in my bed and sort of replayed every possible situation with him in the future, like I created our new life in my head. Like going to the shops together, going travelling, settling down, going to work, waking up together on Sunday mornings....so fantasizing about every day mundane life with him. Could not do anything else the whole day. Thank God, I had a meeting with a friend in the evening, and I had to force myself to get out, for I knew it would get worse....so as soon as I went to meet her after 30-40 min it kinda started to ease off and I realized how insane I ve been acting.

What is this, please? Why do I do this? I often do things like that with other guys, like completely totally idealize them and lie in bed for hours and dream about them....problem is that it can be 3 different guys in a week...so there is no depth of feeling there. Like I obsess about a guy at work for 2 days, then I sort of put it out there in my head and think if he does not stop by my desk at 2pm, he is not the One. Then I go into complete overkill and start thinking all the negative things about this person - and why I should not be in love with him and why I should chose someone else to be in love with.

It was kind of funny to me before when I was younger, but at my age now - this is not I guess how a woman should behave. And yesterday's message to my ex, I guess I just hit a whole new low - because he is one person I really don't want to toy with. I hurt him enough when we were young, so I dont want to break up his family etc etc, just to fall out of love with him a couple of days later.

Please someone tell me - what is this? Why do I do this? How can I stop it - ideally before/not after the fantasizing and the dreaming and the total incapacitation. I had soooo many things to do yesterday and I wasted the whole day on dreaming about sth which is not real. I do that a lot.

All it tells me is you're obsessed with love in an unhealthy way.

Doesn't necessarily indicate any personality disorder.

It sounds a lot like idealisation/devaluation to me, in a very rapid cycle.

Alexander the Great wrote:It sounds a lot like idealisation/devaluation to me, in a very rapid cycle.

Thanks for this, I figured it was something like that. What do you do when you start idealization? How do you stop yourself?

I do that too, my idolising cycles are crazy sometimes. Going through one right now actually haha I must "fall in love" a couple hundred times a year.... for an hour or day at a time.

Im doing the same thing also. but mine never has to do with love. i call it fanatsizing because what im thinking really isnt going to happen in the long run. Or its delusional.

the other me wrote: Or its delusional.

Well, that s what I am worried about?! I guess I started doing this when things were s&*& when I was young. I used to lock myself away and dream away for example that an old granny would give me like £100 for helping her across the street...and I used to dream and dream what things I would buy from it, which friends I invite to Mc D's and all that. It used to keep me entertained for many years,until I grew into my teens and realized that £100 dont actually get you that far! But now - I dont't want to fantasize anymore, because it seems to take on a whole new life in my head which stops me from living reality. Maybe that's what helps, stopping oneself in one's track early?

Like this other guy I used to obsess about, I told myself to stop now - cause he does not deserve the mental space in my head as long as I dont know whether he actually gives me the same space in his. Let s see if this helps...but on Saturday it was really worrying, spent the WHOLE day, about 6-7 hours phantasizing!

-- Mon Nov 12, 2012 8:19 pm --

Hayabusa wrote:haha I must "fall in love" a couple hundred times a year.... for an hour or day at a time.

It is more of a conscious falling in love, though, right? I don't think I ever "fell" in love, like someone never swept me off my feet. Even when I was young, I used to decide which boy I am gonna be in love with...then I used to fantasize, then perhaps, 30 min into the fantasy, I d decide, no he is not a candidate to be in love with, then I obsess about someone else. Then i tell all my girlfriends about who I am in love with

Sad thing is, that I have not quite progressed there, though - and I am 32!!! LOL

I do this too, it drives me nuts. You just have to remind yourself to live in the now, just like you were when you were hanging out with your friend.

I'm doing the same thing, except I'm focusing more on careers and such. I can watch a tv-show about doctors and decide I want to become a doctor, and then I'm being slowly obsessed by that thought and I behave as if that's my life, I change the way I act, I plan, no, create, my whole life and personality around it, it's just so darn obvious, in fact it's hilarious I haven't thought of it before! ...and then I reach a point where I get too extreme, too obnoxiously obsessed, and I realize that's not me at all.
Let's just say I don't watch doctor's shows any more.
I don't know what you can do about it, I guess you'll just have to try to keep your focus... But for what it's worth, you're not crazy! As Luna Lovegood put it, "You're just as sane as I am."