Venting and advice.

Hey. I don't post hear often. I guess I find it difficult to look for advice. I mostly lurk and hope to find out that I'm not so alone.

Im formally diagnosed with bpd, and am in treatment for it, as well as 4 other treatment team (stupid nhs).

I've had a huge let down in my life recently, and I've completely flipped out. At the same time, I'm also suffering withdrawal symptoms from Valium so having a pretty rubbish time. In my head, it's all the fault of the professionals involved in my care. I hate the. All because they told me it was fine to take time out of uni after a suicide attempt, but now I can't afford to go back. I'm angry because they don't understand me. I feel like I'm screaming at them all the time and they don't even notice. I call my crisis team if I'm suicidal, but they just say "distract yourself" and I think "well thanks. Really useful." They come to my house twice a day and don't even believe that I'm unwell and don't believe what I say or feel and I'm not even sure I believe what I'm feeling because I could just be lying for the attention. I can't even tell anymore. But they're not helping me. Having people who are paid to pretend they care look at you like your nothing and not worth their time twice a day just hurts more. None of them really care. It's all just a pretence for them.

I'm angry with my therapist because I followed his advice and complied with him and ended up losing everything I had in my life. Literally, all I have now is mental health treatment. People paid to pretend to care who all think I'm lying. Plus he contacted my family to tell them I'm at risk, which now means he breached confidentiality and I can't trust him. So I've told him I'm discharging myself from his services.

I've tried to discharge myself from the crisis team, but they keep telling me they'll section me if I don't comply with them. I hate them so much. They turn up each day and make me feel like a lying, worthless child. I keep trying to leave and they aren't helping at all and I hate them being there because they make me feel so guilty for wasting their time.

I've basically decided to discharge myself from all mental health services. After I lost uni, I realised I actually have no reason to get better anymore and I'd probably still have uni if it wasn't for professionals that all hate me anyway. I've already decided to just quit group tomorrow because they won't even notice, I've called my consultant psych. but he's on leave so I have to wait a week, I'm not going to go to my drug and alcohol team appointment. I want them all to leave me alone.

I'm literally so angry and so upset. None of their help makes me feels better. I still SI, I'm still suicidal most days, I'm still struggling to eat or get dressed. I don't know what support I need, but my symptoms are all just getting worse.

The problem is, I decided this all today because I was angry and betrayed by the crisis team, but now I'm not even sure I want them to go. I don't think they help, but I'm worried I'm just throwing a tantrum. I don't know what to do or if I should try to comply again or just give up. I honestly don't see what I have to get better for anymore, and I do blame various professionals for this and I am so done with my life only being treatment.

My brain is literally spinning with not knowing what to do. Each time I talk to someone I end up shouting at them no making things worse and digging holes and I don't know what's worth it anymore. I really don't want to be sectioned, but I hate them all because they just mess up your life and never believe you and never hear how you feel. They can't help and don't get it and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Does anyone else know what I should do? I'm freaking out about it and obsessing and I can't keep this up. I don't know what to do.

Sorry this is long and I know I probably don't deserve any help or advice because I'm not on here enough to reply to other people's worries, but I'd appreciate it if anyone had the time.

Sorry x.

First of all, don't apologize. You have every right to share your problems here, and there surely are people willing to help you.

A few days ago, I felt quite like you did. I've also made very bad experiences with professionals so far, so I could really relate to what you said about them.

I've come very close to giving up the hope that any of them could ever help me. As you had to give up uni, I had to give up school, so I totally get it.
But the thing is that you can't give up hope. Right now you feel that way, but I do think that this will pass. I don't think you should give up on your treatment (at least you have treatment, I'm still struggling to find help), or at least you shouldn't right now while you're not thinking rationally. Give it some time, until you feel a little more calm, and then you can try to figure out what's best for you and even talk to someone.

Also, just because you had to give up uni because of treatment doesn't mean that your life is empty and there is nothing left to fight for. I know it's hard to believe that, but I am pretty sure you will find other things that make life worth living. There is ALWAYS a way, even when life seems hopeless. I'm sure you still have options, and you will still find something to do that makes life seem better again.

I know, distracting yourself doesn't seem very effective in your situation, but have you given it a try?
I also like to self-soothe in these kind of situations, just to make me feel a tiny bit better. It's not a magical trick to make everything great again, but it helps to make you strong enough to get through a difficult situation. I'm sure that things WILL be better, because at some point you will be able to look at it in a much more optimistic way. You have to believe that life will get better again.

scrunch10 wrote:They come to my house twice a day and don't even believe that I'm unwell and don't believe what I say or feel and I'm not even sure I believe what I'm feeling because I could just be lying for the attention. I can't even tell anymore.

I feel the exact same way sometimes. But I think what's most important is not whether you're lying about what you're feeling, because even if you are lying for the attention, as you say, that IS still valid. What I mean is that even if that's true, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. It most probably means that you need attention because otherwise you can't get enough. Let people give you the attention you need. And don't feel bad about "wasting their time". It's their job! I know we like thinking that we don't deserve attention or help or that people hate us and don't want to waste their time on us, but in reality, we can't know that! Fact is they are trying to help you. That's what they are doing. Maybe it's not very effective and you feel like they don't take you seriously. But I'm pretty sure that they are doing their best to help you.

I think it would be good for you to talk to a friend about this, someone who's not a professional, someone about whom you can be sure that they don't help you just because it's their job, but because they really want to help you.

PM me if you want to talk

I hope this helps you feel a little less alone.