Do you tend to feel like you have an alter ego?

I definitely feel like there's more than one of me...knowing more about myself, I am starting to think that I am just splitting myself, and thinking of myself in terms of black and white. Like how I can't integrate the black and the white in others, or the black and the white in many situations, I can't integrate these parts of myself that seem contradictory.

"White" me: There's the me that is kind, compassionate, and would do almost anything for anyone. This part of me knows I have BPD and knows it can hurt other people, so always wants to keep getting better. This part of me always gives people the benefit of the doubt, who strives to be understanding and fair. This part of me comes out more often at work and in social situations.

"Black" me: This part of me has a lot of anger and resentment and it comes out in ways that are often repulsive to "white" me. This part of me is very punishing. This is the part of me who wants to destroy someone over even the smallest perceived slight. This is the part of me that thinks of the most hurtful things I could say to someone, who imagines getting into a fight and knocking someone out to teach them a lesson (not to mess with someone unless they are willing to take the consequences). This is the me who pushed a man I didn't even know down a staircase at my university and walked away without looking to see if he was OK (until security got me lol). This part of me has no desire to overcome my BPD...this part of me holds on to destructiveness, pain, and dysfunction like a lifeline. Probably because it is all he really has to keep himself alive.

Realistic "grey" me: Realistically, I can probably integrate these two things. I am a basically kind person, but sometimes I am far too kind and I let people push me around. So it's understandable that I am resentful because I don't know how to speak my mind - it's either raging violence or total submission. This happened as a result of some traumatic attacks I experienced 4 or 5 years ago now. I'm afraid to anger someone and be attacked again. Which also explains the reason why I want to hurt someone to teach them to be prepared to suffer if they piss me off - because that's the lesson I was taught, that if you conflict with someone, you should expect to be assaulted.

I think integrating these two "me"s scare me because they both offer me a source of identity. Integrating them means that each one loses something. If I start to express the anger and resentment, I feel like it will destroy the "nice" me. The one who is able to rise to the challenge and give compassion when it is needed. But it also risks destroying the "black" me...who is very attached to the dysfunction because it's something I have known for so many years. I haven't been able to solidify any sort of identity or role in my life...but the dysfunction has been constant and it's something I can rely on in some messed up way.

I have so many faces I'm not sure who I really am.

At work I'm the loose cannon.
At Little League I'm the calm coach who puts the kids first.
At my parents I'm the son who's the F### up
Sometimes I'm the life of the party and sometimes I'm hiding in the corner.
A fist fight is not out of the realm of possibility but neither is hiding in the bathroom crying.

The real problem is, I hate every single one of those guys and am ashamed and embarrassed that I can't control any of them.

Lol, I have no recollection of this post... but my reply... golly, couldn't have said it better myself!

Huh well if it counts I feel more like I am the alter ego. I am the fake, the chill and whatever placating one, but how I really feel about everything is always stuffed down and stifled. But when it comes roaring to the surface it is sort of like what I would imagine demonic possession to be like. But even though it is horrible it is real. Whereas I am just the people pleasing fraud who manipulates and placates to get what I need. If I said and acted how I really felt all the time I would probably be a total abandoned outcast and possibly in prison.

TinyToad wrote:Huh well if it counts I feel more like I am the alter ego. I am the fake, the chill and whatever placating one, but how I really feel about everything is always stuffed down and stifled. But when it comes roaring to the surface it is sort of like what I would imagine demonic possession to be like. But even though it is horrible it is real. Whereas I am just the people pleasing fraud who manipulates and placates to get what I need. If I said and acted how I really felt all the time I would probably be a total abandoned outcast and possibly in prison.

What a great way to say it, It's really awesome when somebody on the boards can say what you mean so much better.

I agree with what all has been said. I think Nicky94 said it pretty good with the complex persona. I am the dad, the husband, the trainer, i am who ever i am needed to be. It is exhausting.